When few people come to your child’s naming ceremony [Writer's contest 2]

I want a small wedding. If possible, I want a small wedding where hubby and I go to mosque with a few witnesses, tie the knot, then do a photo shoot (with a regular mai hoto and not high class mai hoto like Maigaskiya.) After that, we can have a small barbecue right next to the mosque and go home and live happily ever after.

But Fakhriyyah my best friend wants to throw me a bridal shower, Aunty Ummu insists there be a walima because who gets married without learning that patience is the key to every marriage? We need to bring a woman wearing loose clothing and big glasses to teach me and my friends who are mostly married anyways to learn peace and patience and all things letter P(yes and that other P too) as if we did not know about all these things since we were kids.

Mommy wants me to do a dinner because how else can she show off our success to old neighboors like Mama Ebuka and Maman Hauwa without a dinner in the most lavish events centre late at night even though culture and religion have taught us late at night is when witches and wizards come out to play? Baba says the dinner will hold as long as there’s another dinner in our village because his brothers and sister in laws won’t find it funny if everything happens in Abuja.

Adda Zara my sister can’t believe I want to get married without George Okoro doing my wedding pictures- as if I’m marrying George Okoro wo!- and of course how can we have a George Okoro wedding sans the rest of the Wedding Gurus? So that means I have to hire Mimis Makeover to get my eyebrows on fleek, get Hudayya to do my bridal dresses, Le Rouge by Amma to do my bridesmaids’ dresses, Style Temple to do my dinner dress, Blue Velvet Marquee to get the on point-est venue, hire Cupcake Cutie to make enough cupcakes for a whole city, and still find the energy and time actually GET MARRIED and STAY MARRIED.

So it’s really just me saying yes to all my family and friend’s wishes/desires and my husband saying yes to my yeses for my family and friends’ wishes and desires. And we have to smile for the camera because George Okoro costs a fortune and we can’t afford to not smile.

Anyways. After we’ve finished spending all that money and we somehow manage to still pay the house rent, we still need to also somehow somehow be able to afford to take me to a proper hospital so that I can born my pikin in peace. And once the baby is born, the naming ceremony is usually a week after, no? But then, we notice something. Less than a quarter of the people that came for the wedding come for the naming ceremony!

Don’t get me wrong I’m not pro plenty people coming to my house and ruining my toilet. I swear it is like people really just come for naming ceremonies with one agenda- to destroy your toilet. Of course they also come to eat, break or steal a thing or two, and then go. It’s like naming ceremonies also mean turn-into-a-bandit-and-just-lose-it-Eminem-style—and I’m not about that life. But still… why are there fewer people?

During your wedding, even your uncle’s mother-in-laws’ uncle came over. The cleaner from the office you used to send to canteen to get you lunch also came over. Your ex’s girlfriend totally came over too just to confirm you’re really getting married and you won’t be communicating with her boo thang- your leftovers btw- again. Your cousin actually flew in from England just to confirm Bella Naija would be there like she heard and some of your in laws who disapproved of you in the first place probably just showed up because your wedding is the only lit party they’ll ever be attending anyways.

So why is it that one thousand people attended your wedding, but less than a hundred came for your child’s naming ceremony?

Is it because there obviously won’t be any dancing? You know those relatives that are just there to shakitibobo or shoki at your wedding. They can’t be bothered about praying for you. The only thing they see is the dance floor and when it is time to spray money they are the ones picking and not the ones spraying.

Or is it because Bella Naija doesn’t cover naming ceremony events? Don’t they know George Okoro could be there? If it really is about the feature?

Or is it the fact that culture has imbibed in us that need to nag and nag and nag at people to get married, and then after that the married people become nothing, a thing of the past?

Or….

Is it because at the wedding you did the souvenir sharing, but the naming ceremony means that they would be the ones to bring the gift?

I think the last one makes a lot more sense, but I think people need to set their priorities straight. Don’t come to my wedding and be proving Jenifa and fight to the finish for one bag of souvenir, and then fall off the face of the Earth until I’m marrying off my daughter twenty five years later (hopefully 20 years abeg I am not young), and you decide to show up with your daughter too and fight- AGAIN- for souvenir.

Come to my kids’ naming ceremonies. They could be president one day. And you can use the ever famous Nigerian phrase when you see them when they’re all grown up: “Don’t you remember me? I carried you at your naming ceremony now.”

NAME: Maryam Isa