6 Hilarious things Muslims do which are completely wrong (only Muslims can relate)

If you grew up Muslim in Nigeria, then you’ve definitely come across some of these! As Muslims, we take ourselves too seriously and over react on the simplest things. We obsess about zabiha, but won’t hesitate to trash talk someone we don’t like. We don’t listen to our parents, but insist that we live according to the sunnah. Our actions are as impure as our thoughts, but we’re always there for Friday prayer to help wash off the sins of that week! We have a lot to say, but some of it doesn’t make sense.

To my Muslim brothers and sisters, here’s a list of 10 things you might have heard Muslims say. A few of them will make you shake your head in disbelief but there must be something on this list that you’ve been guilty of too!

1. My name is Mohammad but everyone calls me Tomi

It is very common to see Mohammad becomes Moe, Imran becomes Ron, Mikhael… umm, well… Come on! Muslims, own your identity! Stop coming up with alternate names to help appease your inability to embrace your true self! So what if they can’t say it right? As long as you’re saying it right, eventually others will get it too!

2. Is he Muslim? Or is he Muslim Muslim?

When you say Muslim twice, are you trying to imply a stage of faith that’s higher than others? The question itself is very flawed. We are all at our own individual stages of Imaan (faith), and it’s really not cool to try and box people’s persona with a large blanket stereotype or comment on their commitment to faith.

3. Insha’Allah your date goes well

This is another one of those things which I really don’t get. By saying insha’Allah, you’re hoping that Allah will take over the outcome of this event. But dating isn’t allowed in Islam, so exactly what are you seeking divine intervention for? Are you asking Allah to help you with something He’s told you not to do? Let me break it to you gently, it doesn’t work that way!

4. Straighten your rows… that applies to the rows of cars in the parking lot too!

Muslims don’t know how to park!! You can go to any masjid on a friday and you’ll know what I mean. Parking brings out the beast in all of us. We’ll get angry, aggressive and even bring out the fists! We know how to pray in a line, but I don’t think we can park in one.

5. I’m not backbiting, it’s all over Facebook!

Well here’s a little secret about backbiting: it doesn’t matter how many people are doing it, if you’re talking smack about someone then you’re backbiting. Facebook has just made it a lot easier, and desensitized us to other people’s feelings. Stop making excuses and start being a little more Muslim. We’re not allowed to backbite, you know what they say about those who do…

And my favourite

6. Second look is haraam bro… that’s why I’m still on my first

So many brothers have used this line, I feel like I need to call the fatwa police! Lower your gaze brothers! I know it’s not easy in a place like Lagos, where virtually every girl is overexposed but you know what they say, the harder the test, the greater the reward. So if you’re looking to score some extra deen points, skip the smart talk and look away.