'Odd Couple' by Ahmad Abdullah

Marriage scares the hell out of me. At 39, I’m single, happy, and not searching. I am a virgin as well. This sounds weird because I am a guy and I’ve caught some of my colleagues taking pitiful glances at me.

My life took an interesting note while I was trying to cross the Ikorodu Express at Ojota junction. I’ve had a rough day at work and my car was in a bad shape. I got down from the bus coming from ojuelegba and was so tired that I didn’t contemplate taking the overhead bridge. I lurch ahead of a Coca-Cola lorry and got to the road midsection with seconds, I was tired and panting heavily.

Waiting to catching my breathe, I saw five green uniformed men, the KAI’s, moving strategically to accost me. Two were already behind as well and I felt trapped.

Buoyed by not being in the mood for any shenanigans, I crossed the other half like a gentleman, plotting my escaped route. I even had time to flash one of them whose distance to me was reducing quite alarmingly. He flashed his dirty, incomplete set of teeth back at me and the brief smile contorted into a frown almost immediately. They didn’t know I was a sprinter in my hay days.

I dashed almost as I noticed their pace reduced and before they could react, I buried myself into the throng of passengers plying the road as they seek out their destination. It was in my effort to look back that my life did change.

Without taking notice of a gentle looking lady walking quite calmly against my articulated pace, I collided with her and almost knocked her into the gutter. Her glasses fell and broke during this process. In my effort to appeal to her, the KAI’s cut up with me and harassed me roughly on the lady’s behalf.

‘Criminal!’ One shouted. She was a fat busty lady whose trousers had a lot of patches. They also cringed notoriously between her thighs angling up in a way that was quite funny.

‘You see wetin you cause?’ the one with a missing teeth harangued. His breath stank as some of his saliva found abode around the tip of my nose.

The lady eventually got up but it became immediately apparent that she couldn’t see without her glasses. She became flustered and it must have taken a whole arsenal of self-control for her to keep calm. I felt someone or something was fondling my right buttocks but I focused on how to solve her problem.

‘Oga, you done break her gillaasis, give am your own naa’. One of the touts that became a spectator suggested.

Oga, you go pay fine, give us something make we leave you. The fat KAI lady motioned her palms into a begging position. She wasn’t ready to leave as her other colleagues already did in the hope to chase other preys. I tried locating my wallet and it was then I realized why my ass was being probed.

‘They’ve removed my wallet! I reacted with great displeasure. By the time I fidgeted while searching, the touts have disappeared. The fat KAI lady wasn’t quite pleased as she hissed and walked away. ‘I don mark your face, you try cross road next time…you go see.

I was left with the lady, exceptionally embarrassed by the whole ordeal. I found myself asking her to try my glasses,

‘Are you long sighted, you can try mine if you are. I have a spare in my bag.’

‘You want me to use your glasses?’ a little angry blush materialized on her cheeks.

She took them halfheartedly and tried them on and her reaction showed they were adequate.

We exchanged numbers as I promised to get her a new spectacle and before I could dash off, she offered me some cash for transport and even said, ‘I’m sorry about your wallet!’

This was when I fell in love with her.

The event bonded us continuously in a mysterious way. We became friends on relating the story to some of my colleagues; I discovered two of them that knew her intimately. Not before long, we went on our first date.

We cozened up in a lush restaurant on Isaac John, staring blankly at each other.

‘I heard you are a virgin,’ she opened up the conversation abruptly.

Shocked by her directness, I recoiled but decided to play it cool. ‘Is there a problem with that? Are you not?’ I laced my face with sarcastic warmth but she didn’t reply.

Another moment of silence and she asked abruptly. ‘What type of animal are you?’

I tried gauging her intentions, ‘a barnacle’, I replied.

She laughed this time. ‘A barnacle’s penis is 30 times its body length’ she shot a questioning look at me and I shrugged.

‘You?’ I shot back

‘A praying mantis’ she answered unrevised.

‘Hmm, they devour their lover’s head during sex. I can see why we are still single’ I remarked

The night ended in more ways than can be described literally, but to cut the story short, we are married with a kid now.

Ahmad Abdullah, AKA Ahmad Holderness is a medic and a writer who is about to be published. He is the director of Home Of Book foundations that seek to help Nigerian youths to read and write better. His writings can be viewed at and you can follow him on instagram at @home_of _books_foundation

READ: 'The Price of Distraction' by Ahmad Abdullah