Everyone’s Talking About Boundaries, but Do We Really Understand Them?

These days, if you scroll through Instagram, TikTok, or X for just five minutes, you’ll see at least one post screaming: “Protect your peace,” “Set boundaries,” “Cut them off,” and “Energy vampires must go.”

It’s almost like everyone suddenly became a part-time therapist with iPhones. But here’s what I’ve noticed, and maybe you’ve seen it too: As popular as the word boundaries has become, most of us are still misusing it. Sometimes, it’s a shield. Sometimes, it’s avoidance dressed as self-care. And sometimes, it’s just a fancy word to cover emotional laziness.

Because if we’re being honest, many of us don’t actually have boundaries. We have walls, we have coping mechanisms, we have trauma responses that we’ve branded as “standards.”

And yes, some of us are using the word boundaries to justify bad behaviour.

But it’s not entirely our fault. We’re young people trying to survive in a country that is constantly draining. We grew up being told not to talk back, not to question adults, not to express needs, not to say no, not to “embarrass the family.”

Then suddenly adulthood requires communication, clarity, assertiveness, and emotional intelligence, and we’re confused.

So, let’s talk. Do we really understand boundaries? Or are we just repeating buzzwords to feel in control in a world that overwhelms us?

A lot of us think boundaries look like this:

• “I don’t owe anyone access to me.”

• “I don’t explain myself to anybody.”

• “I’m protecting my peace.”

• Blocking people at the slightest discomfort.

• Disappearing instead of communicating.

• Shutting people out once they get a little too close.

But those are not boundaries, they’re defence mechanisms. A boundary is not pride, punishment, the silent treatment or cutting people off because a conversation got uncomfortable.

Sometimes, what we call boundaries is just fear of intimacy, sometimes it’s burnout, sometimes it’s “I don’t know how to express my needs.” It may even be “I was never taught how to stand up for myself in a healthy way.”

No judgements here. It happens to the best of us.

A boundary, in relationships, is a clear, communicated limit that defines what you’re okay with and what you’re not.

Think of it as an emotional or behavioural “fence” that protects your wellbeing without isolating you from others. Let me put it simply. A boundary is: “Here’s what I’m comfortable with, here’s what I’m not, and here’s how I’ll act moving forward.”

Boundaries protect connection; they don’t destroy it. They help relationships breathe instead of suffocating; they reduce resentment, they allow people to love each other without guessing, assuming, or overstepping.

A boundary is not about controlling what someone else does; it’s you controlling what you will tolerate and how you’ll respond.

For example:

• “I can’t talk right now. Can we discuss this later?”

• “I don’t lend money I can’t afford to lose.”

• “I don’t joke about certain things. It’s sensitive for me.”

• “I need advance notice before plans.”

• “I need alone time to recharge.”

See? Calm. Clear. Mature.

No insults, no ghosting. Just honest communication.

The Nigerian upbringing didn’t exactly prepare us for this. Many of us grew up in households where saying “no” was disrespectful, expressing emotion was labelled as dramatic, disagreeing was seen as rebellion, and privacy didn’t even exist. And personal space? Forget it.

So now we’re adults trying to learn boundaries from scratch. We’re trying to unlearn fear, guilt, and people-pleasing tendencies while dealing with stress, rent, fuel prices, work, and adulthood responsibilities that just keep multiplying.

Sometimes we avoid uncomfortable conversations because we’re tired. And communicating needs feels like extra work on top of the 500 things we already have to worry about.

Actually, it makes you responsible. A burnt-out person cannot properly love anyone.

Love is not mind-reading. Speak up.

If they leave, the boundary revealed the truth; it didn’t cause it.

Avoiding conflict destroys relationships. Communicating saves them. Boundaries require courage. But without them, everything becomes emotionally expensive.

1. Start small

You don’t need to begin with big confrontations.

Try simple sentences like:

• “I can’t do that right now.”

• “That makes me uncomfortable.”

• “Can we talk about it later?”

It avoids blame and defuses tension.

Example:

“I feel overwhelmed when you show up without telling me.”

You’re not rude for re-stating your needs.

Stop saying “sorry” for every boundary you set.

And that’s okay. You’re not building a fan club.

When you learn boundaries, your friendships last longer, and your relationships feel safer. You stop overthinking everything, you’re less anxious, you feel respected, and you attract people who value emotional maturity.