Tonto Sanko Dikeh, Davido Sanko, And The Champagne Of Life

Few of us like a Monday Morning, but Amebo Pulse does for it gives him the chance to scratch the underbelly of Naija’s entertainment industry and laugh at the good, the bad, and the down-right pig-ugly, from a week brimming with potential victims.

Dear Citizens of Amebo Pulse, I really do not want to give you all an introduction this week because una no try. Last week I didn’t appear with this gossip goodness and none of una fit call my mother ask after me. What if I bin dey hospital? Or I was down with one serious case of Gossiptitis. If that disease sounds strange to you, well, you really need to get a degree in medicine. Fake medicine. Because it’s a special disease that blinds the senses and makes all gossipers lose their yeye mind. I lost my mind, after 7 years of writing gossips and peeping celebrities during their moments of madness. After 7 years, sickness caught up with Amebo. A whole Amebo Pulse. Maybe na old age, or I dey suspect say na Evangelist Eucharia Anunobi night prayers wey cause am. But anyhow sha, gossip must survive. Read, enjoy, pray for me, or visit that native doctor collect pig shit and Agbo for me. Thank you, and let’s go there.

Tonto Sanko Dikeh

Tonto Dikeh! Scream after me everybody. 1, 2, go! Tooooonnnnnttttto Diiiiiiiiiiikkkkkeeeeeeeeh! If you really did that, then you are high. High on cheap drugs. God help you.

But first, let me give you an education. Have you all ever heard the word Sanko? Once again, if you are in this award winning country and you’ve never heard of that word, Sanko, then pack your bags and your bomb and cross back into chad. Please. Thank you. Sanko is a Nigerian pet name for prison, police cells and military gulags and Charlie Boy’s house. I’ve never loved sanko. The last time time I was there, it felt like I had gone to hell, alive. Dirty, smelly, trashy, damp…to cut the long thing, sanko is where all bad people go. So any day if you’re unluckily privileged or if Satan bless you with one night’s visit to Sanko, your life and your yansh will never remain the same. Say Amen.

Well one fine human being wey done sign up for a trip to sanko is Tonto Dikeh. Our sweet, brilliant actress, who is also a piss poor awful singer wants to add to her lsit of madness with a holiday in sanko. Probably Kirikiri Maximum prison. I love Tonto Dikeh. Something about her small waist and bust size makes me wish to hammer quick quick, buy hummer sharp sharp, drive to her house fast fast, and give her my medicine. Well, that is not to be because the girl go soon go sanko. And if you think I’m joking, let me say it in king’s English. Tonto Dikeh is going to jail. How? Relax, tori just start.

The reason is because she too like to smoke weed. Cheap, unprocessed, fresh weed from Ojuelegba. That girl competes with my chimney every blessed day. And she wins. Comfortably. Remember the last time she travelled to London for her birthday? She showed us a picture of all her documents, and weed was one of them. Next another picture appeared where she looked like Marijuana’s first concubine. She next climbed onto the stage in Iyanya’s concert and acted like a priestess who was possessed. By the anointing of ‘claro’.

So NDLEA, that organization whose duty is to catch and jail followers of weed like darling Tonto has decided to do her the honour of giving her an all expense paid and forced trip to Kirikiri. They said:

“our attention has been drawn to the post, quite frankly and I can tell you that action will be taken on it. The law is clear on the issue. No one is permitted to sell, use, cultivate or encourage the use of Indian hemp in Nigeria. The weed is one of the banned narcotics in the country.”

So darling Tonto, bye bye. Say me well to all those murderers, and rapists, and child molesters, and thief thief politicians. Even though we’ll miss you while you’re serving your sentence in Kirikiri, with heavy hearts filled with happiness, we can’t wait to wish you, “Happy Holidays!

Davido: Omo Baba Sanko

First, forgive me if this story no sweet. Tonto Dikeh my crush is going to jail, and all I can do is write touching stories about it. Stories that touch the bum bum. Anyhow sha, life goes on. Girls plenty. Let us now take a refreshing journey to Europe where Omo Baba Olowo Davido also visited Sanko in Hungary, Obodo Europe. Davido was jailed in Europe last week for some serious crime. Why was he jailed? Ask me well well.

For a man who answers a name that translates as ‘Man wey God don bless’, the last thing he’ll lack is money. He’ll have the best house money can buy, the best girls wey sabi chase money, the dopest car that Owo can afford, and the most expensive cigars from Havana. Not those 3 for N50 wraps wey Tonto baby dey smoke. But that was not the case. According to reports from newsmen and haters, Davido is on his European tour, where he moves from city to city, singing and asking for money. Talented Bambi Allah. Well, when he got to Budapest, the cold capital of Hungary, the organizer of the show, who also is his chief benefactor, Osariemen Ekiudoko Frank had a quarrel with Davido. Maaybe Davido stole his girlfriend, or drank his last champagne, you never can tell. But what happened was that Frank refused to pay David. So some good samari-Bulgarian decided to give Davido small money make hunger no kill am. Instead of Davido to respect himself buy small chow, chop sleep, thank God, he decided to go clubbing with his brother Adewale Adeleke, and manager Kamal Ajiboye. So they all went to groove and jolly, but when time to pay reach, Davido paid and was about to leave the club when the Hungarian police, who are 15 times faster and more wicked than their Naija counterparts grabbed them all. Reason was because their money was fake. Very fake. So after some time in sanko, plenty prison photo sessions, and maybe a hot gay session with a white giant boyfriend whose name is ‘Bubba the gay man’ , they were all released. And the first thing they did was get on their knees, thank God, and denied the story.

Moral Of The Story: Never trust a good samari-Bulgarian. Only Samaritans are to be trusted.

Goût de Diamants: Taste Of Diamonds Ko, Taste Of Thief Ni

Once upon a time, some monks, with a maybe an alcoholic addiction who had gotten tired of drinking beer, Schnapp and Alomo, decided to create some classy drink. They went to a bushy part of France, called Champagne, plucked some grapes, mixed it with jackshit, and kept it for some time to sour. Later they opened it, drank it, and named it Champagne.

That small story happened in 1531. Today we are in 2013, Nigeria, and that bushy drink is the most expensive in the world. The name is Goût de Diamants, aka Taste of Diamonds, and it was produced by Alex Amosu who is a Nigerian luxury designer. Amebo Pulse saw the drink, saw the fine bottle, and wanted to take a drink, but I was chased away by the price. A bottle of that drink cost £1.2 million which in Nigerian paper currency equals almost N300 million. I dey craze? Even if I buy one bottle, EFCC and PDP go dey knock for my door, and since I no wan join GEJ or visit Ibori for Sanko, I’ll avoid it. I am not trying to sound cheap or hateful, but heck, even if I do money mericine, the only thing that’ll make me buy a drink for that amount is if they mix it with The blood of Jesus.

Alex Amosu knows this, so to encourage people to invest in his Taste of Diamonds, he gave a bottle to Don Jazzy, and another diamond bottle to Peter Okoye. See their pictures below.

But then, common sense is not hard to find. Look no further because Paul Okoye, was not deceived. He went to his BBM and gave us the declaration below:

Well, if for any reason you carry your money buy that drink, this is what will happen.

You work hard to make small pay or thief money from your local government , then you buy this Taste of Diamonds, expecting to drink and grow angelic wings. You drink small first. The thing sweet you, but you no grow wings, so you angrily drink all the bottle. Drink of Diamons. The champagne settles in your stomach. Stomach of Diamonds. But it won’t last there because after 5 minutes, nature will call, and off you go to the toilet to take a long normal angry piss into the toilet. Piss of Diamonds. You do the sensible thing and flush the toilet, and it goes into your soak away. Soak away of Diamonds. By now you should have qualified for Guinness Book of Records as the owner of the most Expensive Soak Away pit. N300 million Soak Away pit. Later you become broke and your account has a big broke hole. Hole of Diamonds. And then your mother, girlfriend and family starts looking at you with a concern and a big Yimu. Yimu of Diamonds. At this point, you begin to regret your Long-throat of diamonds, and then you break your Soak away of diamonds and yourself.

Taste Of Diamonds ko, Yimu of Diamonds ni…

No mind them. Drink your Alomo jor. Infact, from today henceforth, Amebo Pulse endorses Alomo Bitters as the official drink of Gossipers.

Don't forget to drop your feedback...they make me fall in love with you!

See you next week!