Dear Nigerians, be compassionate towards mothers

I have not remained the same since the first time I watched childbirth through labour, induced labour and cesarean section on National Geographic about 10 years ago.

In truth, asides the fact that I appreciate and love seeing pregnant women, I try to aid them in whatever they do.

Seeing a pregnant woman go through the mood swings, weight gain and inability to change positions while sleeping across the night is enough to appreciate them.

My mother had my sisters and I through cesarean section. After she had my younger sister, she had to go back in for another emergency surgery, 6 weeks postpartum due to infection around her pelvis.

Till date, she has a mummy pouch that makes her look ever so good in native attires — Iro and buba.

Postpartum Issues

While I didn’t really decipher it until I was 19, listening to Gwyneth Paltrow talk about postpartum depression on E! Entertainment, I once saw my aunt struggle with the effects of having her first child in 2007

Her confidence was gone and it took her 3 years to regain that confidence. She vowed to never have another kid after that.

In 2007, Beyonce appeared on Ellen DeGeneres show shortly after her wedding to Shawn ‘Jay-Z’ Carter.

During the discussion, Ellen asked her if a child was in her future, she answered, “I was in the room when my nephew was born and it traumatized me.”

She continues, “I told my sister ‘Please, don’t let me in the room’ and she said, ‘you’re my sister, don’t be silly’. I was right, I’m traumatized”.

10 years later, Beyonce has 3 children. Asides being a celebrity mom, she has her struggles. In her much celebrated, Vogue issue, she chronicles how she struggled after the birth of her twins in 2017 as she prepared for Coachella.

She claimed she pushed herself so hard to regain her body in 3 months, but she somehow settled for enjoying the effects of motherhood on her body.

During her catharsis, she claims her arms, boobs, thighs and calves are slightly bigger, and she even has a ‘mum pouch’ that she’s not in a hurry to get rid of. While she has seen the took the strengths in her journey, most people are not as strong or lucky.

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While she admits she might go back to work for a lean body and six pack, her point was made.

Motherhood, pregnancy and childbirth are processes some women never fully recover from physically and emotionally.

A Beyonce might be inspired enough to engage in exercise to pull through, but most mothers don’t get past that phase.

My mother was like a size 2 before childbirth. Since she had my older sister, she’s become curvy. My Dad loved it about her — before he died, but a lot of women do not have that luxury as they wallow in their depression while living with insensitive, emotionally and verbally abusive partners.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

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The rigours, stress and sometimes, trauma of childbirth induces post-traumatic stress disorder [PTSD] in some women. Some of them get depressed and distant while a fair bit don’t want children after the experience.

It is why you should never judge a woman who is content with her one child. We are built differently, but no matter how strong you are, childbirth is an arduous process that usually leaves great emotional and physical scars.

In a survey conducted on post-traumatic stress disorder after Childbirth in Nigerian women by Adewuya A.O, Ologun Y.A and Ibigbami O.S for the US National Library of Medicine and the National Institute of Health, the following were found out;

The prevalence of PTSD was 5.9%. The factors independently associated with PTSD after childbirth include hospital admission due to complications, instrumental delivery cesarean section, manual removal of placenta and poor maternal experience during childbirth.

They concluded that, “the prevalence of PTSD is slightly higher in Nigerian women than those in the western culture.”

Historical Perception

Women were born disadvantaged. In a society heavily influenced by masculinity, mostly toxic, but usually subtly entitled, women are placed on a lesser rung of existence.

Their usefulness is limited to child rearing and house chores. It is why any woman who refuses to do same or isn’t good at same is derogated and viewed as ‘useless’. This perception is not only wrong, but very insensitive.

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It is simply time to cut it out. Child rearing should be a thing of choice and readiness. Whatever she’s content with, a sensitive and good partner should listen and understand.

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Maybe it is time to start letting Nigerian men into the operating and labour rooms to see what women go through to understand why some get PTSD and love their children more than anything. It is also why they get really emotional when those kids get a big head and get disrespectful over the slightest issues. Some of us children are insensitive.

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It is not about treating women as fragile or weaker people, no. It is about sensitivity to the plight of a probable traumatic process. What they need is support. Childbirth might be perceived as a happy process, but it is not funny for women.

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It is just time for women to start talking about the rigours of childbirth that some of our mothers were forced to stomach because of societal expectations. Some of them would have been happy not having more than one child.

Don’t get me wrong, some women enjoy child rearing and live for it. They love being pregnant and the entire process of childbirth, but we are built differently. The ones who talk about tie trauma and rigours are not weaker. They are regular women who are different. We should listen to them.

Even more seriously, the women who enjoy childbirth will tell you it is not all fun and games.

Modern Women and Social Media Chatter

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On Tuesday, August 7, 2016, feminist, Ozzy Etomi hit the bullseye again with her discussion of the rigours and trauma of childbirth.

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While opinions were divided, even amongst women and some insensitive men pelted stones their way, we can downplay these points no more.

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The scariest part was when she discussed memory issues since childbirth. That might be some pseudo-fugue state caused by PTSD. Although rare, trauma can induce fugue state, causing the mind to block out that traumatic memory. Sometimes, other memories, happy or sad go with the blocked out memories. Maybe her mind is trying to deal with the trauma of childbirth and it’s proving too heavy.

For perspective, from the social media activity, although infinite, we can group women, postpartum into the following;

1. Women who get illnesses and conditions from childbirth;

2. Women who go through physical changes. Changes some have to live with forever;

3. Women who have disabilities from childbirth;

4. Women who die by losing some parts of themselves during childbirth;

5. Women who actually die when the trauma becomes excessive for their bodies. [No available link text]

On another note, it shows the point is hitting home when young, unmarried women have also had their fears about childbirth intensified since the discussion. It is sad, but the reality, nonetheless.

But then, the issue is not about men. Make your choice, find yourself a partner that understands you and live a lit life. Childbirth is not an avenue to diss men again. It’s an unnecessary backdrop.

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Whatever it is, people like the human in the above tweet; male or female should be cancelled.

"Medical Condition" might be extreme

Nonetheless, calling childbirth a “medical condition” might be a tad extreme.

Olaiya, a 40 year old Lawyer of 13 years and mother of two via cesarean section says, “Well, there are two sides to a coin. Some people have complications while some have it easier. I had my 2 kids through caesarian section. While the pain was great initially and it was slightly arduous post-partum, I got over it. I did not want to have children again initially, but later I got over it and we had another one.”

On another note, Tolu, 28 who had a child via cesarean section and lost the child at 22, but has since not had another says “It was really traumatic. Considering all I went through, but immediately after the birth and I saw her [her child], I immediately forgot the trauma. You know, it was fascinating to see this little thing that came from inside me. One misses being pregnant. Even though I lost her, I will have another one without hesitation.”

In the end, while childbirth might be a arduous for some unwilling to repeat the process, others cherish it. We should however let women choose their own paths.