Amebo Pulse: President GEJ’s New Wife, And Lagos State Incredible Insult To MI

There is a drop of gossip in every man. Let’s get down to talk talk.

President G. Jonathan’s New Wife

I’m sexy, and I know it! I’m not a candidate for Mr. Nigeria gay pageant, but God and my mirror know say I haven’t lost my appeal. Why? Because I will soon have a shiny bald head, and I’m proud of my bald head.

Growing up, whenever I had the privilege of using a mirror, my soul wept for shame. God blessed me with an interesting mixture of ‘Bow and K legs’, He didn’t give me height, but at least him give me enough to take better pass tiny MI. I’m kinda fat, looking like one plump roast pork meat, my shoulders are hunched, reminding me of one Wicked Fulani dagger. But the most interesting part na my big head. It’s big beyond measure, and definitely bigger than Banky W’s monstrosity. But I’m grateful because unlike Banky, nobody don accuse my head of blocking the future of Nigeria.

Then last year, I discovered that my hair, the only thing that differentiates my head from Banky W’s desert don dey disappear. I’m slowly getting bald. God why? Wetin I do Satan? I no dey drag land for hellfire na? Why me? At this young age, I’m about to start looking like my father. (Disclaimer: My father is fine. In short, he’s beautiful, in an old way). I no wan resemble my father. I’m too young for that. I want to be as handsome as Darey, sing with sweet voice like Praiz, dance like P-Square, drink expensive ogogoro like 2face, ball like Wizkid, smoke sweet weed like Jesse Jagz, MayD, and Brymo, and above all love like Timi Dakolo.

Too bad, but it appears growing bald is not too bad after all, because women love bald men. There’s something about shiny oily heads that tend to make girls fall in love. Bald men are sexy. In short, we’re the best thing to happen to Nigeria since Alomo and Isi Ewu. So that one mean say I’m sexy, and I know it. Although I’m not as sexy as President Goodluck Jonathan who has one fine Kenyan model stalking him.

Yesso! The president of our darling Nigeria, Oga GEJ, the giver of fresh air, is one of the sexiest men alive in Nigeria. And he knows it. Almost all of Nigeria have a crush on the man, students, doctors, bankers, politicians, Gossipers, Ashawo, Armed robbbers, and models. We all love the man, and the latest person to love GEJ, is Kenyan model and ig Brother Africa The Chase contestant, Alhuda Njoroge aka ‘Huddah Monroe, who couldn’t hide her joy when she hear say GEJ go visit Kenya. She said, “So when is Jonathan landing? I’ve always had a crush on him. Nigeria, prepare for a step mom.”

Chineke! This Kenyan mami-water wan start civil war? With Dame Patience leading the charge with her weapon of mass destruction; Bad English.

I, Amebo Pulse, refuse to allow you fall for my president. Carry your love keep there for Kenya. If you have a scarcity of bald men, then propose to Amebo Pulse. Leave oga GEJ alone, you hear? He won’t love back. Not when he has his sexy ‘fellow widow’ Patience beside him. Leave him alone.

But if for any reason, you can’t find another bald sexy man, then Amebo Pulse won’t complain if you propose to him. In fact, Amebo loves you, talk your own.

And the Lagos State Ambassador For Energy is…Short Black Boy!

Everywhere I turn, na so so ambassadors full everywhere. GLO pack all the Nigerian celebrities, do christmas for them, then call them ambassadors. See as Burna Boy, Bez, Waje, Flavour and Naeto C dey chop life. MTN too pack their own set of ambassadors, then give them recharge cards to use disturb our peace on Twitter. See as Don Jazzy dey share recharge card like say na him papa dey print am. Ambassadors of recharge card.

Na dis Ambassador business dey trend. Ambassador for peace, Ambassador for Justice, Ambassasor of HIV, Ambassador of Gold Circle, even Alomo get Ambassadors. Well for Amebo Pulse, I hereby crown myself the only Nigerian Ambassador of Gossip. Gbam!

Please don’t get me wrong, I love all Amassadors, except for the most recent crowned Ambassador of Energy for Lagos State- MI Abaga!

Seriously? Fashola, seriously? Lagos state has fallen my hands. Ambassador for Energy! That name has power. Energy, strength, muscle, power, 6 packs…definitely not MI Abaga. With all due respect to all short black boys, wey sabi rap music, but I think Lasgidi government got this one wrong. Energy means power, and if ever Lagos should get one Ambassador of Power, I expect the guy to be one strong, muscular tout, fighter, wrestler, weight-lifter, bouncer or Agbero wey get plenty energy. Not one short singer wey no fit beat the weakest man for KiriKiri prison.

Power, Energy, Strenght, Fight, Beat, Prison, Evil, Muscle…definitely not MI Abaga.

How about Samuel Peter, the Nigerian weak Nightmare? Wetin happen to Bash Ali, that old fighter wey no gree die? Or if things get too bad, I have one wicked, strong, Agbero called ‘Ganjababa’ who I’ll gladly offer to represent Energy in lagos state. Not one rapper without even small ½ pack.

Recommendation: MI Abaga, I strongly advise you refuse the offer. Allow ‘Ganjababa’ to come forward. It’s his birthright to represent power, seeing that he’s the presido of all Ojuelegba Agberos Association. Thank you.

See you all next week!