Jim Iyke Gets All The Bad Things Of Life

All hail the new Chris Brown and Rihanna: They are entertaining, flashy, possessing a huge fan base, and without doubt, having the decision-making powers of grown-up infants. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Nigerian version of the famous couple…

I give you…..(drums rolling) Jim Iyke aaaaannnnnnnd….Nadia Buari!

God knows I’m almost pushing the boundaries of retirement, whenever Jim Iyke’s case is mentioned. Many times I have burned the midnight fuel, written, analysed, cursed, pondered, and entertained many Nigerians armed with only the thrilling life of Jim Iyke. With Jim, it’s always a Christmas season for journalists. He’s like a gift that keeps on giving. Sometimes I reckon that Jim has the soul of an evil Santa Claus. Always giving us lovely, dark and unbelievable stories.

Each new story is more shocking than the previous tale, remarkably pushing the borders of human understanding.

Ever since his acrimonious breakup with the Jamaican hottie, Keturah Hamilton, Jim’s life attained carnival status. Not content with being a regular Asaba Nollywood legend (with semi-mediocre skills), Dear Jim began a reality TV show, ‘Unscripted’, which he found a way to remove the reality from it. He replaced that with careful scripting, and involved even the women who found a way on earth to fall in love with him.

Keturah first blew the whistle when she left him. Not bound by the blinding fetters of love and loyalty, she revealed that all the scenes she had starred in were achieved with the guidance of a professional script. Long after the hips and anger of Keturah had vanished, then came the episode that showed Jim and his diamond ring, stylishly getting Nadia engaged.

In typical Jim Iyke style, a little investigation rubbished the story. Another scripted episode that Nadia debunked with granting covert interviews, posting cryptic tweets, and blatantly calling him out. Jim’s show is fake. It’s a reality TV show without the ‘reality’ in it.

It’s like a Sunday without the Sun.

Then he went to TB Joshua, got delivered of some demons, wrote a press release and distributed it around to gain some publicity, appeared in church for a while, and a couple of weeks later, got arrested in Ghana for fighting and destructively assaulting a man who he claims owes him some tidy sum of cash.

My spiritually-bent guess says the demon returned, and with it, seven others with deadlier missions. Amen somebody!

Fast forward some months, go past all the accusations and in-fighting between Jim Iyke and Nadia. And here we are with another saga. Jim and Nadia have broken up. Hurrah!

The breakup was met with so much joy all over the world, and it is for good reason. Nadia is leaving Jim Iyke because she fears for her life due to Jim’s infamous temper. She has given up on him (after an eternity of tears and fighting), and has decided he isn’t worth all the stress.

And in this breakup, Jim Iyke has been exposed for so much more. Anger is just the least vice that the Nigerian actor is capable of.

Jim broke up with Nadia, and in classic betrayal fashion, lied to everyone, scampered down to the USA to make up with his ex, Keturah Hamilton, who just got granted US Citizenship. On the surface, this seemed like the cold embers of his past love had sparked and spluttered into life. But that was before we met Emma Agu.

A failed musician, and part-time journalist who owns a website that does a bit of celebrity gist and scoop, Emma Agu is known as a busybody of some sort. Friend to many, enemy to all, Emma Agu feigned friendship and gained the confidence of Keturah Hamilton, and used it to advantage to get a good story from her about Jim hiding in her home.

As with most journalists, Emma put his job before his friendship and published his story. Jim wasn’t too glad, and attacked Emma, blaming him for the failure of his relationship with Nadia. At that moment his memory failed him. He forgot all about his numerous ill-treatment of his erstwhile girlfriend. He also forgot the countless embarrassment that he put her through. Jim is what you’ll call a ‘magnet for chaos’, and he always finds a way to draw in and burn all who stick with him.

Emma replied Jim in like manner, and the two of them proceeded to create a new handbook of curses, swears, dirty words and insults worthy of studying by Master’s degree hopefuls. They were absolutely classless, both of them not covering each other in glory. It was the diss Olympics.

Here’s a good example:

Emma Agu: This overrated son of a bitch with his amateurish acting skills thinks his name can bring any good to a writer or a blogger. The man with a tainted name, a rogue who has burnt every bridge he stepped on, is trying to hold me responsible for what ever misfortune that has fallen him in the last 72 hours…This guy is a monumental disappointment, fraudster, liar and a cheat. Why is he so mad? The reason is simple. He is looking for a scapegoat…You must be a bastard. If you are man enough, call me with a known number and see if I won't track you down right away… I don't need anyone to convince me now that you, Jim Iyke, is a thief, a rouge and a criminal..You live off the sweat and hard work of women. You have wrecked so many lives. Cursed from every angle of this world, you have been on the run since you duped a married woman you slept with, who took your late mum to India and London.

Jim Iyke: Lol, I must have wounded your self professed ego deeply. You sound like a rejected child-man…Lol. Any body with his head firmly screwed on their shoulders can deduce this for what it is; the desperate act of a deeply troubled insecure man still suffering the throes of middle age crisis…Who's the animal now? Who's the immature person? A man that purports himself a leader yet acts like a retarded child…Lol. I know you're the US president. I see you require several broadcasts and platform to expose me. You re in denial Emma. You can finally stop begging and scavenging for interviews to keep your pathetic outfit afloat…I'll relegate you to the trash can I reserve for haters…

Support From Keturah

Keturah too also attacked Emma Agu. She was obviously hurt by being drawn into the mess, and feels betrayed that the entire news from her home went public.

Dirty Revelation

The stories keep coming, bringing out more dirty tales. Next up was ex-wife of Nollywood actress, Ini Edo’s husband, Ruth Okoro, who has come out to state that it was Jim who master minded the break-up of her marriage to Philip Ehiagwina, who is now married to Ini Edo.

In a long messages she distributed to many bloggers and entertainment sites, Ruth accuses Jim Iyke of trying every possible trick in the book to sleep with her. She also stated that Jim Iyke is so desperate that he only dates American women because of their green card.

She revealed stories of Jim Iyke desperately trying to get US Citizens pregnant, marry them and get a green card, all to no avail. He repeatedly gets dumped and dumped. Making him a pariah among the Nigerian community in the USA.

Conclusion

The future looks bleak for Jim. He is being attacked on all sides, and with each new day, a different horrible story emanates. He seems a man cursed and haunted by the souls, spirits and prayers from all who he had ever wronged. Karma is inevitable, and Jim Iyke is getting his fair share.

What's next for the embattled actor? Another trip to the Synagogue? Suicide anybody?