WomenTeachSex: Dealing with celibacy after being sexually active for so long

‘Women Teach Sex’ is a weekly series designed to capture the thoughts of everyday Nigerian women on sexual health, pleasure and what women expect good sex to be and feel like.

One day you're planning hookups; the next, a pandemic is massively cockblocking you and grinding your sex life to a halt for a long, long time. This eighth story in Pulse's #WomenTeachSex series is all about that topsy-turvy experience.

When and how did you first become aware of sex?

I had this crazy distant cousin who used to live close to us. She used to fool around with one boy and got me in on the act as well. We were like 6 then or something. 

6? Mad

Or maybe 7 or thereabouts not too sure. I don’t even know where she and that boy learnt it from. We used to dry hump ni sha. Nothing crazy.

Tell me about the first time you tried having actual sex

What’s wild is that I first dabbled into masturbation before I started having sex for real for real. This was in secondary school o. 

Wait. Which one? The sex or the self pleasure?

Masturbation. I had heard one girl talking about it in school. She said her elder sister who was in uni told her about it and how to do it. She talked about it, I went home and messed around a bit till I got it right. Didn’t look back ever.

Mad. So back to the first time you had sex...

University. I was almost in my final year sef. I know you are going to ask how it went. I was not as good as I envisaged. I had learnt quite a lot about my body and how to get off by that time already. It is only normal that if you have been masturbating for that long, you would have figured out a ton of stuff. But I used to imagine that whatever pleasure I was getting from my fingers would be doubled or tripled when I do it with another person. How wrong I was.

Ouch. Sorry. What’s your sex life like these days?

Inexistent. I am trying to be celibate for a while. I don’t know how long I will last but it’s been like 6months now since I last had sex.

Oh really?

Yeah.

What inspired that?

So I have a very high sex drive -

Wait. I am not understanding. High sex drive and celibacy. What’s up with that?

Ok. My celibacy did not start until the beginning of the lockdown. I live alone so knowing that I would be by myself throughout the lockdown, I just kuku decided to turn it to celibacy. I have always wanted to see how that’d be anyway.

Ah I see. So it is like an experimental celibacy?

I guess you can say that sha. And I can say that the lockdown helped stay on course. At least for the first few months. Let’s see how far I can go with it.

And how is it going for you so far?

Like I said, lockdown helped. Because I’m not even sure I could have survived this long if there wasn't a lockdown that actually prevented unnecessary human interraction of all sorts. So yeah. I think the toughest wave has passed and I am getting slightly used to the idea slowly. It's still tough sha o. Very tough.

And... masturbation during this period?

Sometimes. I try not to. But it's difficult not to, really. At times I was just so bored, other times horny. Watched a lot of series during that lockdown. Some of the good sex scenes made me backslide small. But like I said, I tried and I still try not to masturbate. All or nothing.

Makes sense. I’d like to know a little bit about your high sex drive phase.

It’s not a phase really. I believe it’s still somewhere down there, repressed. I’d be shocked if I didn’t become wild when I decide to start having sex again.

Cool. Do you remember the first time you realised this part of you?

After that my boyfriend, I met this guy in NYSC. See, fear skinny Yoruba boys.

LMAO

Yes. He was freaky. Like, there was nothing he wasn’t willing to do, nothing he didn’t want to try. And he was quite good with everything. Tongue, finger, his D, even his words… everything was just, like, super steamy with him. I never used to say no. I kept up with him and one day he just mentioned it that do I know that I have a high sex drive? I asked him why he said so and he said he’s sure he has a high sex drive and that most of his former babes couldn’t keep up except me. He also mentioned that that is the thing he loves most about getting down with me. I guess that was like the very first time I heard it. Started paying attention to it and yeah, it’s actually true. LMAO. I wild small.

I see. Has that ever impacted your sex life in any way? Considering the fact that being really open about your sexual needs as a woman still gets some men acting weird.

Well, not really. I may have been lucky sha, most of my men have been weyreys themselves. So it’s usually gbas gbos without judgement, thankfully. Although I remember one funny scenario I got myself into because I was looking for what did not lost due to konji. There was one time I was in the mood and I had been chatting with one guy like that who I used to hook up with. He got a girlfriend and started avoiding me. So we were chatting that night and things got sexual. To make matters worse, it rained. He was not looking to have sex, I knew, but him being flirty with me brought back old time memories so I lied that I had an interview somewhere around his area. Actually I had an interview but it was scheduled for a day. I just needed a lie to go to his house and get some. Long story short, I went there, all dressed like someone who went for an interview, got there at noon, pretending to just be done with my interview. Guess what?

This nigga avoided me. I could see he was struggling with the thought of us getting down. But I just sat there, made small talk and kept screaming inside for him to make a move. In the end, I just just pitied him and left. Tail between legs. Konji na bastard.

Don't kill me.

Yeah yeah. I am not proud of myself for that. But hey, the L was good for character building. 

Hahaha. I know right. Tell me what’s the most challenging thing about celibacy for you

The temptation!!! See I imagine it is easier when you didn’t use to do it. But doing it and now trying to stay away, especially when the people you used to enjoy it with are calling and trying to set up rendezvous. It’s mad frustrating sha. It’s like when you are trying to avoid cigarettes and your guys keep offering it to you.

I can imagine. Is there some personal/unpopular opinion you would like to share on celibacy?

I’ve only just begun a few months ago and it’s been tough. But my consolation is in that I am doing it for me, not because someone asked me to. I think at the end of the day, that is where the satisfaction lies, knowing that you are doing something you set out to do, and excelling at it. You know, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and seeing that you can actually handle it -ish.

Random question: based on your personal experiences, rate Nigerian men’s sexual prowess over 10

8. I’ve not been with a lot but the ones I’ve been with? Whew!

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