"I'm in love with someone else...and he's not my boyfriend of 3 years"

Hi Bukky,

I am a female in my early twenties, I had my first relationship at 19, almost my final year in the university. I have been with him since then, we loved each other so much that others use our relationship as an example.

He was through with his national diploma then (ND 2) and about to start his one year IT. I went for my NYSC and after some months, he went for his higher national diploma (HND). He started getting too busy for me, complained most times and he told to understand... I was serving at a place very far from mine, He never came to visit me and said it was because he wasn't financially buoyant.

I tried to understand and tried to stay away from several suitors that were coming my way because of him. A month before my service ended, I met a guy during an INEC exercise I participated in, he was an INEC staff, he took interest in me and didn't even ask if I was in a relationship or not, He took me to his relatives as his friend, rode me in his car and wanted to show me off to everyone. He is ready for marriage and wants to marry me.

I don't know how I started getting attached to him because he is not even the kind of guy I'll look out for. By then I speaking with my boyfriend just once in awhile, no frequent calls or text from him, when I call, He's always busy, I started falling for the new guy. My service ended and I went back home. When I told my boyfriend that I had met someone else, he felt very bad and told me that so all the promises I made to wait for him and we'll get married were all vain promises. He said he thought I was a good girl, I started feeling bad and we got back together again.

He pleaded with me and said he was sorry and started giving me so much time... but then the other guy is still there, I now love him so much but I don't want to hurt my boyfriend of three years whom we have been through a lot together and who knows how to care for me more than the new guy but I don't love him as I used to anymore. If I leave him, He'll never trust any girl again... my academic qualification is higher than his.. I'm even going for my masters soon and He is in ND 1.

Please advice me, I really feel bad right now. I don't want to hurt any of them,  I don't know how to do that. I don't like the state i'm in now, I feel like I'm dating two guys. I feel like a great sinner..please reply soonest.. 

Thanks.

Cynthia.

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Hello Cynthia,

Thanks for sharing this delicate issue with me.

One of the key components to a lasting relationship is proper communication which means love is not enough to keep a relationship moving forward.

Bearing that in mind, three years is really a long time to maintain a close bond considering  your relationship is long-distance.

Women are emotional beings and reciprocate such feelings when they meet someone who to fills that want.

Your relationship with your boyfriend was strained which was why you gave the other guy much attention and your feelings changed because you found him capable of doing what your boyfriend could do and more.

To clear your confusion, you have to ask yourself this question "Am I happy?", " Am I staying with my boyfriend out of pity?", you have one life to live which means you have to choose carefully what you want. You obviously never considered your educational background before starting a relationship with your boyfriend, so it shouldn't be a criteria for staying put in your relationship.

The other guy's offer of marriage shouldn't hasten your decision to call it quits with your current boyfriend. Weigh the pros and cons, take your time to be friends first with this new guy before taking your next step.

Do a stocktaking of your relationship, the answer to your confusion lies within you and all you need to do is relax. Eventually, you'll have to make a decision of either staying with your boyfriend, starting a relationship with the other guy or letting them both go and starting your life afresh.

I wish you all the best.

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