Absentee fathers, daddy issues and our children

attended an event earlier this month whereby this topic was discussed and it got me thinking about the silent pain that many people carry around with them. There are many reasons why a father may not play an active role within his child’s life, nonetheless the reasons do not make it any less painful for that child. Absentee fathers can lead one to have unresolved issues in adulthood.

For some it pushes you to be a better human being and for others it can cause you to have “daddy issues”. The term “daddy issues” usually refers to women. There is a common understanding that a woman who had an absentee father during her childhood, usually has difficulties within her adult relationships. This label has negative connotations which leads many people to not accept that their childhood has influenced their adulthood. Like many negative childhood experiences the journey to overcoming them requires you to be honest and reflective.

Hearing the hurt and pain in the voices of people (both men and women) who did not experience having their fathers in their childhood was honestly heartbreaking. Men spoke of not having a positive template for becoming a man and women spoke about their feelings of rejection and lack of protection when growing up.

What was also highlighted was that having this level of open conversation was vital in their healing process and raising awareness within the African community. This is not a conversation that usually takes place within our families. Usually because the matriarch of the family fought so hard to raise her children as a single parent and does not want to be reminded of her struggles. Imagine the pain a mother feels realising that despite her best efforts the lack of a father figure within the life of her children has created emotional turmoil for them.

Why does it appear to be so easy for men to leave their children behind and the responsibilities that come with being a parent? This is a question that I honestly do not have an answer for but what I do know is that it is down to us to start changing this narrative. We can start with teaching our children (including the boys) to take responsibility for their actions. People make mistakes but are you willing to admit them and say you were wrong?

I remember speaking to someone who was old enough to be my uncle and he told about the difficulties that he was having within his marriage. He had now separated from his wife and because she had sought legal action regarding his financial responsibilities as a parent, he decided that the little money that she was receiving on a monthly basis was enough. I remember being shocked and quite annoyed that he considered that money was a good enough substitute for the lack of his presence in his children’s lives.

Obviously, I couldn’t speak on this matter because it would seem disrespectful so I just sat there in silence. I’m sure many of us would pick the affection and attention of our parents as an important aspect of our lives. Knowing that your parents love you unconditionally helps positively mould your identity and money is no substitute.

Ladies and gentleman, if you had an absentee father it is not your fault. Do not carry the blame and shame for something that is out of your control. Praise the men and women in your life that have been there for you throughout and have tried to be a positive role model for you.

Thank you to the women who endured heartache and loneliness but persevered to be there for their children. We celebrate you. To the absentee fathers, it is never too late to right your wrongs, however be prepared to meet resistance and anger along the journey to forgiveness.

A lifestyle blogger who enjoys writing as a form of self-expression. She has a passion for helping others and aims to inspire people to see beyond their current situations. Ms Tomilola encourages people to be their authentic self and not to succumb to societal pressures. She once regarded herself as a pessimist however she has now found the beauty in optimism

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