‘Women Talk Sex’ is Pulse’s weekly series designed to capture the thoughts of everyday Nigerian women on sexual health, pleasure, and what women expect good sex to be and feel like.
Women Talk Sex: My sex life has gone from one embarrassment to another
It's like the universe has something against me.
How embarrassing can your sexual experiences get? We bet it can never be as crazy as the stories told by the woman we spoke with on this #WomenTalkSex episode. She has had some pretty shocking experiences.
Tell me how you knew what sex was
School. Movies, as well, but mostly at school. And then one of our neighbours kissed me while playing hide and seek. We were what? 7? 8? Somewhere around that age. Yeah. That was how I got initiated into that world. My mum did a bit of sex education with me and my sister somewhere down the line, but by then, I had already started doing stuff.
So when was your first time?
13. I had been hypersexual before that time though. Ok, maybe not hypersexual but I had done a lot of kissing and getting fondled a lot. Mostly by boys my age and I really liked it, too. Used to even look forward to it. But penetrative sex happened at 13 and like all first-time stories, it was nothing to write home about. I’d even go as far as saying it was embarrassing sef.
We got caught by the boy’s big brother. There was no one at home when we decided to quickly mess around for a bit but we got carried away and of all days, that happened to be my first time. We didn’t even know someone had come through the front door. We just opened the door to the room and saw us.
He was shocked for a second and then started laughing. I was so ashamed. I just wore my panties and meekly left their apartment. But I was more scared that my parents would hear about it.
Nope. Thank God. He was kind enough to not tell but he began to call me his brother’s wife and would do a knowing wink every time. No one knew the context, so that helped. Plus, he was not creepy with it so eventually, I began to find his teasing funny. Besides, it was not like I and his brother stopped doing it.
LMAO. What’s your sex life like these days?
Embarrassing, really. But I guess there’s still a lot of time to make up for lost time.
OK. How old are you?
Why do you say your sex life is embarrassing?
LOL. Initially, when I made that statement, I meant it in the context of not being so active for a while and being dependent on my vibrator; but now when you asked, I just remembered that my sex life is actually filled with some of the most embarrassing stories. LOL.
Before I ask about the embarrassing stories, can I ask why you’re currently not having sex?
Oh, I currently have no partner, and these days, I find myself being cautious about getting down with people. There are one or two of them who are trying to sleep with me - you know men now, there is always one or ten of them waiting for the green light to off your pant - but I guess I’m not ready yet sha.
Ok. Now gist me some of your most embarrassing sex stories
LOL. I will share two funny stories. See ehn, these things are funny now but they were not funny at the time oh.
I can imagine
So there was this guy I had been occasionally meeting and chatting with for a while. Obviously there was this tension between us and then he came over to spend the night when my sister was not going to be around because we share an apartment. So, he comes around sometime around 7pm and we were trying to get it on. That was how my pum started acting out. I was so dry. We tried everything but it was too uncomfortable for me. So we decided to just stop. After a while, he said he could quickly go get lube. That was how this guy left and didn’t come back.
Ahahn. Wait. What?
I swear down. Like, it was the most shocking thing ever. For months, I felt so bad about it oh, I can’t lie. Like, he made me feel like something was wrong with me. It was so embarrassing because when I didn’t see him, I was even texting and calling to ask him what’s up? You know, this was around 9 going to 10 and I was bothered. He didn’t reply till he got home.
And what did he say?
Some stupid excuse about forgetting that he had a work deadline and stuff. It was a terrible experience sha. Men move mad a lot.
So sorry about that. How about the second one?
I am quite hairy. So that means that I have hair in some places that I really would rather not have it. Like my mustache and my chin. Then I also have hair growing around my nipples. That is the one that annoys me most because I can’t even do much about it out of fear of nicking myself with a shaving stick because that has actually happened before.
Anyway, one time just before lockdown last year, I and a guy were making out in the dark and when he felt it as he was sucking on my boobs, he froze for a bit. And then he laughed out loud. All the tension in my body just died down. That was the end. He was later trying to apologise but I was too embarrassed to hear anything. Just needed to leave ASAP.
So sorry about that
That was embarrassing oh, being mocked for something out of my control. But I was also angry at myself for getting carried away. I might have been able to avert it. Because normally, when I know I would be getting down, I try to cut it as much as I can with scissors and also give the guy a heads-up. But this time, it was so spontaneous and I got carried away.
That’s a lot oh. So all this is contributing to your decision to stay off sex, yeah?
Actually, yes. These things have made me a lot more conscious of my body and frankly, the whole idea of having to prep people for what they’d find takes a mental toll on you. Add that embarrassing episode to it and things get even more complicated.
I feel you. How would rate your sex life over 10
Oh, 7. When it happens, I can be very wild while at it especially when I get comfortable with someone and the awkward phase is over. I give myself a 7. I’m not that bad. LOL.
Rate Nigerian men over 10
5. Too many immature men. And it really does not cost anything to treat people nicely or with some respect. You don’t even have to love them or anything. Just decency. That’s one thing Nigerian men lack in my experience. It’s what makes them awful most of the time.
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