What is vulnerability, because I have really suffered

When you hear these folks talk, they’re like, “Oh my God that’s so sweet and vulnerable,” “We can’t be friends if you’re not vulnerable,” or “I can’t be in a relationship with someone who’s not vulnerable.”

You begin to wonder what the fuss is about. When you dig deep a lot of people don’t understand the meaning of the word, and those who understand despise being vulnerable — especially in this part of the world. 

People would rather die in silence than share details of their worries, anxiety, frustration and depression because it strips them bare and tampers with their image.

Growing up in Nigerian society, a lot of expectations are placed on an individual, from marriage to having children, a flourishing career, financial security and upholding a right standing. It can be exhausting.  

Nigerians are more open about discussing their vulnerabilities in recent times, but this also comes with its own set of headaches, with fears that being vulnerable to other people will open them up to manipulation, betrayal, distrust, jealousy, and hate.

Here are some Nigerians sharing their shege experiences in the dear arms of vulnerability. 

“Imagine bringing down your walls of Jericho and giving someone a grand entrance to your secret place only to be subjected to manipulation, gaslighting, dirty gossip and ultimately emotional hurt, just because you trusted him. 

“Family is not something I talk about with people, but because I felt I could trust him with such serious details of my life, he disappointed me — he became really manipulative, and don’t get me started with the lies and cheating. 

“I hated myself for a month, sulking away in misery, but I eventually put myself together and now I know better not to share too much with anyone.

“I mean we all go through emotional brouhaha, but people are manipulated the most through relationships, be it a family member, an acquaintance, a colleague, a friend, a partner. Someone can’t know your weakness unless they are close to you.”

“What is vulnerability, because I have really suffered. I don’t even want to hear the word. You won’t believe I rented out my office space of ₦‎1.5 million just to buy a phone for my girlfriend after she constantly compared me to other men. 

“I loved her, but she knew how to get me. It is my fault, I opened up about how neglected I was growing up and how attention-deprived I am. Anytime she wants something, she stops picking up my calls or responding to my messages, it triggers me emotionally, and mentally. 

“I feel hopeless and begin to run helter scatter to provide her wants so I can have her again. I believe I was tricked into loving her so much and desiring her presence in my life. 

“During the first few months of our friendship, she was an angel. She gave me the love and attention I have never had in 29 years of my life. I became so dependent on her, she convinced me I could be open with her, and described herself as a safe space.

But my safe space turned evil, and that was the beginning of my emotional devastation.”

“I’m a very quiet and reserved person by nature, most people have used my simplicity against me several times, but that’s just who I am. I open up to friends and they want to ride on me. 

“I don’t want to think about the negatives when the positives are shining before me. I’ve learnt and grown so much as an individual by being vulnerable. I must say, if you don’t want to be vulnerable because you're scared of hurt, then it means you’re not ready to grow into a better version of yourself.

“Someone’s vulnerability is an asset, what matters the most are those around you; your team, family, friends, lover. How they are able to use your vulnerability positively to achieve mutual goals is very important.

“It’s only by allowing yourself to become someone who could be hurt that you can experience the sense of closeness and fulfilment that vulnerability can also bring.

It’s only by surrendering a certain level of control that you can experience a higher level of mutuality in your relationship — a sense of knowing someone more honestly and being able to trust each other more deeply.”  

Despite the negativities, vulnerability is actually beautiful. Being vulnerable means expressing the sides of yourself which you have the least confidence, uncertainty, and insecurity about, and being bold enough to share it, and allowing others to respond to them.

It means surrendering some of the control you have over how others see you, and potentially compromising the image they have of you — an image you may have worked pretty hard to cultivate and maintain.

In short, while vulnerability can be scary, it’s usually worth it.