‘Women Teach Sex’ is Pulse’s weekly series designed to capture the thoughts of everyday Nigerian women on sexual health, pleasure and what women expect good sex to be and feel like.
Women Teach Sex: Struggling for orgasms with a deadened clitoris
"My partner has to be patient and intentional to get it to work."
Today's Women Teach Sex conversation is with a a 27-year-old woman who is yet to experience remarkable sex in the manner she wishes. She says it's the result of a traditional practice - done when she was only a baby - which led to the numbing of her sexual organs.
Rate men over 10, based on your sexual experiences
Hehe! Between 4-6
You don’t seem too certain
I mean from the very bad days to the averagely good days.
Ok. Gist me about your worst sexual experience
I dated this guy one time, who used to nut under 20 seconds. He’d literally cum from putting in the tip and it was always so frustrating. Nothing worked. Foreplay made him cum too, and woe betide you if you let him attempt head. He’d leave the place with bite marks. One day, I told him that it wasn’t working specifically because I was losing my mind.
It’s been said that second rounds usually last longer than the first. So… how about second rounds?
Story. One is one! And I don’t think it was a lack of ability to get it up again, it was just pure wickedness. And then there was another terrible experience I had with another boyfriend. I got it into my head that I could try out some porn sex. My boyfriend and I chose one of the girls with a mighty crush on him. He reached out to her and she was excited about it. Fast forward. Sis wouldn’t even let me touch my own boyfriend. It started to feel like we were fighting for my own boyfriend’s attention and the mumu didn’t even care to set the boundaries so I packed my shit and bounced.
Right in the middle of it?
I had just one goal. Spoil the vibe and move. I left fuming.
Shit. Away from bad news. Gist me about the best sex of your life.
I can’t term any of my experiences ‘best’. As long as I have an orgasm, then I consider it good. But I still have not experienced that mind-blowing experience though.
How old are you?
And you can’t say you've had mindblowing sex?
I can’t. Unfortunately.
What do you think is the reason for that?
So many factors but maybe because of how my body works. I’m easily distracted.
Yeah. And then there’s something else. Asides circumcision, there’s another harmful practice that’s probably to blame for my inability to reach orgasm as easily as I’d like. It usually involves the use of warm to hot water on the clitoris of a baby girl. They say they are trying to give it a nice shape (whatever that means) but I think all that massage sort of, I don’t know if this is the right word, deadens the place.
My partner has to be intentional with that spot to get it to work. I’ve spoken to girls to see if they’ve experienced this and some from my tribe seem to agree that they struggle with this. My parents are from Imo and Abia states.
I'm so sorry to hear this
Please don’t be. But all I can say is: it’s been a mad struggle mhen. I can’t count how many times I’ve faked an orgasm just so I can be left alone. Extremely frustrating and I haven’t found a way out as men are generally not that patient to learn how to please someone. Especially with this kind of peculiarity.
Ok. For you, what does a man need most to be considered a good sex partner?
Patience, experience and selflessness. I mean, clitoral stimulation still works for me but it has to be targeted and done with extreme patience.
And have your partners ever come through with that?
Yes. Some. They are the ones I would rate as 6/10.
I see. On a scale of 0-100, how well do you know your body?
Knowing your body this much and somehow not being able to translate it into earth-shattering orgasms with partners. That’s a little ironic.
That’s the thing. I feel like I have to teach my partner what works and that on its own can ruin the moment.
I feel you. So you love intuitive men?
Intuition is good but foreplay that I’d find sexy starts with open conversations about my partner’s body and mine. That’s the thing about experience. A man with a truck-load of experience will ask you what works. I feel like just flat-out telling a guy how to please me ruins the vibe for me. So what I do is, I ask them what works for them, with the hope that the question will be reciprocated. Askor! Most Naija men just want to slide in and out.
Interesting angle. Please go on.
By asking me, he gets to know what works for me and what doesn’t. Imagine some idiot squeezing breasts like orange. What does he hope to achieve? Or fingering everywhere but the clitoris. That’s where the attention should be but they never stay there. What they are looking for down there that makes the dingbats miss the clit still amazes me.
I feel your annoyance. Can you rate the highest knowledge a man has had of your body?
Maybe a 6, too.
Drop a message for the guy who gave you the worst sexual experience of your life?
Idiot, get help.
Drop a word for the guy who relatively gave you the best sex of your life till date
You are a star baby boy. I love you.
Because we know this is for men but women will also read for sure. What is that sexual thing you think every woman must do so they won’t get old and die of regrets?
Study your body. Know what works for you and never be silent about sex. I think there’s a silent rule to never admit to one’s partner that a session sucked, or that they suck generally. The notion is that expressing this makes women appear wanton or over-experienced. It’s a notion I think everyone should kill. On studying one’s body, masturbation is recommended.
Fair enough. If you need to rant on the sexual things men need to learn or stop doing immediately, now is the time.
Nah. I think I will hold my peace this time. I’ll let them fix the ones I already complained about earlier.
Thanks for your time.
I’m glad you reached out to me with this.
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