A handbook on how to be a Lagos big girl

Tiwa Savage sang, “I no come this life to suffer, if I follow politician you go hear am for paper, dem go call am prostitution who no like enjoyment, shebi na national budget, we go blow am like trumpet.”

In the world we live in, you must have something to offer. Commodities are important and Lagos big girls know this.

How does one get a high valued man? You must be a high valued woman yourself.

In the Nigerian context and the Lagos subtext, what does it mean to be a high valued woman?

The latest iPhone without a case

The latest iPhone is an emblem of a Lagos big girl. Immediately, a new iPhone comes out, she scrambles to get it.

A perfect caricature of a Lagos big girl is a crossdresser, Bobrisky, often holding master classes on what it means to be a big girl.

Expensive wigs and scanty clothes

A Lagos big girl has wigs that cost thousands of naira edging to a million. These wigs are typically overprized but she could sell her kidneys to get the right wigs.

They all seem to have a uniform dressing; criss-cross tops, biker shorts, revealing tops and short bodycon dresses.

Brazilian Butt Lifts

A big booty can take you places nothing else can. If you are looking for attractive, wealthy politicians or executives then your body must be appealing.

Women go through unsafe procedures, drink funny teas and rub weird-looking lotions all in a bid to have that dream body.

We’ve heard of pretty privilege before, but there is a privilege that comes with having a nice body.

A pretty face can get people to notice you, but a banging body makes you the cynosure of all eyes.

Lives on Lagos Island

Living on the island is pivotal to the Lagos big girl lifestyle even if you have no reason to.

Most people live on the Island because it is close to their work or business, but when you have no reason to and you do, it is an awful waste of funds.

If you stay in areas like Sango-tedo or Ajah you are completely out of it. Yet, some upcoming big girls stay in these areas hoping one day to move up to Lekki, Ikoyi and Victoria Island.

Be in an unhealthy competition with other big babes

What is life without beef for Lagos big babes? The unhealthy rivalry stems from the inclination to outdo each other.

Drive a Range Rover or a Mercedes Benz

A Range Rover or a Mercedes is the dream car of most big girls in Lagos, it is a ‘momma I made it’ moment for all of them and we can see why.

Have elaborate birthday parties

They must have the biggest parties, bigger than the biggest party of the year. Name dropping is an essential part of the party. They need to name drops with big celebrities who attended their parties.

Travels out frequently and shows it off on Instagram

Globe trotting is an essential part of a big girl's lifestyle, she is never in one place, often travelling on many exotic trips and showing off to her Instagram followers.

Why does she act like this?

Although, some L agos big girls are actually rich and wealthy from legitimate sources, a few might be faking it or depending on men.

You might ask yourself why is she half-naked on Snapchat? Why are her nails so long it can burrow into your eyes? Why does she throw an elaborate party? Why does she have an innate desire to impress?

It may stem from deep insecurities that makes her want to outshine everyone and be the cynosure of all eyes.

Sometimes, it is all transactional. Chasing the life of a Lagos big girl can have rich men (often married) lining up to date you and offer you gifts and if that’s how you want fund a more elaborate lifestyle, then why not?