When's the last time you asked for what you want in bed?

According to the questions have been asking ladies, the answer is anything that does not involve asking for it. Instead, of going around collecting or learning tricks and techniques from experts or friends – why not talk it out.

Why make the process so complicated? Simply telling him what you like and where you like it a huge turn on for most men like myself(smile)… what we are after is great sex and what is more, we are desperate to know how to give it to you…

Sounds simple enough, the problem is it seems that ‘asking for it’ is one of to- do- list for ladies. Awkward and uncomfortable it could be, ladies need to find their voice because when it comes to communication with men it is the most effective tool ladies have.  Most sex talk issues most ladies give fall into different categories;

1. Fear of looking stupid:

A lady told me she feels uncomfortable to put sex into words because it is not something she does every day.

Ladies worry that they will sound  like cheap porn but that is actually a great place to start… imagine you doing a porn, voice over – say the words out loud to yourself but really go for it.

You will feel mad but eventually, the words will sound ordinary, then have a go at what you really want to say, it would not sound bad. We get extremely turned on when a lady ‘talks dirty’ it reassures us that you want to have sex so you are already at the top of winning.

2. Fear of upsetting him or making him angry:

I get it that ladies do have sexual egos and I know how fragile it could be. Do not understand what you are protecting your man from?

Becoming your perfect lover, asking him to stop, start or change something in the bedroom does not have to be criticism- it is direction and as long it sounds inviting and not like you are nagging him to pick his wet towel, he will love it.

Young men or most men repeatedly talk about how much they love sex with a lady who knows what they want, are not afraid to ask for it. Some people react angrily to feeling criticized or embarrassed or insecure but if you approach him with respect and care he will have nothing to react to.

If you are feeling angry with him, those negative vibes will leak into everything you say, whether you mean them or not. So take the sex talk out of the bedroom and onto neutral ground. Try to be honest about how it is for you, without pointing the finger and give him the chance to do the same. The sex they say mirrors the quality of your relationship…

3. Fear of being judged:

Ladies if that is your fear you are probably judging yourself. Social norms are narrowed when it comes to sex and everything outside of them I often considered weird. You cannot control your sexuality: it is formed of the gazillion of bits of info collected over a lifetime, which makes it uniquely yours and ever changing.

You did not choose it. You cannot help what turns you on and unless you are putting you or someone else in danger you have nothing to judge yourself for neither does anyone else…

I say this to all my friends that if a lady can do what you want  why can you not go through that same pain to do same…if a guy cannot  do same that means he is selfish. If the relationship is new, ‘not hearing’ could be a big red warning flag; he is out for himself and would not put himself out for you or maybe you have not learned to speak each other’s language yet.

Next time, tell him in a very simple term and if he still does not listen you might have to consider your options. If he would not give a little in bed, what are the chances of him making room for your needs in the rest of the relationship? If you have a long time partner and have recently found your voice only to find he is not listening anyway, do not give up.

You have an established sexual history and men are creatures of habit. If you try to change, add or stop something after so long he may mistake suggestions for complaints. Tread carefully around his fragile ego and use positive upbeat language. If you have tried that and he still does not seem to care, you know he is a selfish tosspot who does not deserve you.

Finding out what you want in bed is like discovering what foods you like from hundreds of new tastes. One day you will want to try something exotic; the next you will want to stick to what you know, your plate will grow with experience. Speaking about it just as important, if not more so, because it includes saying no...