We need to kill the Igbo tradition of making exorbitant demands

Before them, sweet, aromatic food sits on tables covered in cloth, including some dishes that have travelled across the seas to die on encrusted ceramic bowls, under the gaze of people who ordered them without knowing what they taste like.

Regally dressed, a groom and bride beam in the spotlight of their moment; if you’ve lived in Nigeria or consumed any content from within these shores, you can recognize a Nigerian wedding from a mile away.

The joining of man and woman as husband and wife is a big deal in Nigerian cultures; perhaps the most notable of these, thanks to stories from Nollywood and Metro news, is the Igbo traditional wedding.

As with most tribes in Nigeria’s South, the traditional wedding is an elaborate ceremony deeply steeped in traditional norms and customs that come before the white-toned spectacle of a Church wedding.

But what comes before all of this — a series of negotiations and transactions is more important than either of the ceremonies.

Before most lovers (or pre-betrothed persons, as the case may be) consider what colour of Ankara they want their closest friends to pay for through their nostrils, money and valuable property pass from the groom to the bride’s family.

In Nigeria, as in many countries around the world where it is practised, we know this as a bride price.

The bride price is usually made up of small amounts of money, food substances and other tangible gifts.

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This exchange does not signify that someone’s daughter has been purchased.

All things being equal, it is a purely symbolic gesture that the groom shows to acknowledge his permanent debt to the couple who raised his wife-to-be.

It is also an understated indication that the groom can take care of his wife - but if we are to believe different accounts and how their exchange of bride price has become a part of popular culture, it would appear that in Igbo culture, things have gone a bit further than everywhere else.

Among the Igbo, the definitive list of items to be “submitted” by the groom is not prepared by the bride's family alone.

The umbrella of “Kinsmen” is a very wide one that covers uncles, aunts, cousins, family friends, old neighbours, and nephews and nieces in some instances.

All of these people get the opportunity to contribute their share of demands to the list. It is why, when a man goes to marry an Igbo girl, the list is hardly ever on one page.

The implications of this “trend” are two-fold. A groom who procures all the items on a large list proves his financial capacity and his dedication to getting his chosen bride.

But more often than not, the young, upwardly-mobile men who just want to marry see this list of requirements and demands and they shrink.

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To the outsiders who neither have the privilege of context nor understand the intricacies of the culture, it appears sometimes that the groom has to “purchase” his wife and pay her worth in cash, yams and electronics before he can take her to her new home.

In the late 20s to early 30s where marriage becomes a priority, most Nigerian men are struggling to stand on their own feet or tentatively gathering resources to create a structure that can sustain the families they intend to build.

It is not ideal by any means but it is an uncomfortable reality that gets worse when they have to plan and explore austerity because they want to marry a woman of their choice.

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For this and many more reasons, the Igbo tradition of charging high bride prices must die a quick and preferably, painless death.

While the trend has reduced in recent times, it has earned the people an unhealthy reputation that discourages many from exploring marital and conjugal relations within that tribe.

As influences cross the oceans and various cultures exchange elements, traditions are important but only as far as they help us stay true to our identity and progress along familiar lines.

In a world where life-long relationships are created within days and it is not unusual to find a white Atheist groom and a melanin-brimming black queen on both sides of a Christian minister, exorbitant bride prices are in the back of the line, in a place where the light of cultural innovation is unlikely to ever reach.

Every man deserves a shot at making a life with the Igbo queen of his choice; if old traditions like a list will stand in his way, then it’s time for tradition to look to the realities of life in this age and evolve.