Here’s why some women actually despise Valentine’s Day

Men will spend an average of $217 on Valentine’s Day gifts and dates to please their partners this year, according to a new survey commissioned by Groupon.

But before you load up your cart, get a load of this: 41 percent of women in a relationship actually dread Valentine’s Day more than any other holiday, according to a recent survey commissioned by epi24, a sex toy company.

That’s because for some women, Valentine’s Day just doesn’t feel genuine, says relationship therapist Paul Hokemeyer, Ph.D. With its hearts, flowers, chocolate, and champagne, it can feel as authentic as Cheese Whiz.

Plus, Valentine’s Day is loaded with high expectations, says New York-based relationship expert Jane Greer, Ph.D, author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship.

You probably figure she wants a diamond ring paired with a five-course Italian meal; she might assume you want the hottest sex you’ve ever had - but in reality, neither one of you feels like forcing an epic night of romance.

In fact, 34 percent of women would rather watch TV than have sex on Valentine’s Day.

“There’s the expectation that you’ll do something fun and exhilarating, that she’s going to dress up and wear something sexy, maybe try something out of the ordinary—and the sex will be great and explosive. It’s a very high bar for people to reach,” says Greer. “It might feel like sex on demand, like you’re expected to not only have sex, but have ‘super sex.’”

To put it simply, women aren’t into feeling like objects. While Valentine’s Day is dedicated to romance, she’s usually the one that’s expected to look and act sexy for a holiday that might not even mean anything to her - which can be exhausting, says Hokemeyer.

So instead of succumbing to the pressure, it’s only natural that she’d rather opt for relaxation instead.

So, how’s a gut to know what she actually wants? First, don’t ignore the holiday, suggests Hokemeyer. That could easily backfire.

Instead, ask her a few questions to gauge her thoughts before you go all-out on gifts. Believe it or not, she might just want to spend extra time with you instead of being flooded with over-the-top presents, which could just make her feel uncomfortable.

Simply ask her something like “What do you think of Valentine’s Day?” or “What’s the best thing about our relationship?” says Hokemeyer.

Giving her the opportunity to weigh in will let you into her head about what she really expects from you. Greer agrees: Communication is key here, she says - and the data backs it up: 72 percent of women reported that communication is the most important thing in a relationship, so it’s never a bad idea to check in with your partner and let her know that you’re actually listening to her.

Then, you can act accordingly. If she swoons at the idea of colorful candies and a bouquet of red roses, get yourself to your local grocery store and do your best to surprise her (while you’re at it, check out these Valentine’s Day gifts she’ll actually love.)

But if she winces at the mention of making a big fuss over Valentine’s Day, honor it by allowing her to do exactly what she wants, says Hokemeyer.