Road To Pimp-Hood [Writer's contest]

It is not my fault that I am still a bachelor – or is it? My father Chief Olalere was a very busy business man and my mum was an ambitious Banker. They hardly had the time to sit at home and watch over me and my baby brother. So here I am, 29, still single but not searching for any keeper. Oops! I didn’t even introduce myself properly, Ola, where are your manners? My full name is Olalere Olaitan Alabi. I work with a reputable media house in the capital city of Nigeria, and what you are about to read is the story of my life; and how I became a chronic Casanova and addictive player.

Please, don’t get me twisted; I don’t hate the fact that my parents are career driven. As a matter of fact, I respect and idolize them for what they gave to me as parent i.e. good education – as I went to the best schools in the country. I also have them to thank for the satisfying life I am living right now for they taught me to love myself and place no one above myself. Ergo, me first others follow. I won’t want you to also mistake this notion for selfishness. Am not selfish, I just love myself and you can’t judge me because it’s the same kind of trait we have – isn’t it?

Back to the story, where will I even start from? Ok let me start from the scratch, when I was barely 7 years old and 47 inches taller than the ground. There was this Nephew of mine called Kayode, but we always call him Bros Kay. Kay loved to chase girls and he is very radical about it. On a faithful day, Kay saw a girl that he had been admiring for quite a long time – knowing that the girl could speak what we considered an impeccable English back then, while he is not grammatically and phonetically sound. He therefore decided to use his priceless asset when it comes to spoken English – me.

He said “Ola, se o ri omo yen” (meaning: Ola, do you see that girl?) pointing towards the young lady.

“Yes, I can see her” I replied.

He then placed his request in a stern and commanding tone

“Lo pe wa fun mi” (meaning: call her for me).

“Bros Kay, she will beat me ooo!” I replied in a scared and naïve manner.

But Kay had his mind set and he was never going to let my fear come in the way, so he offered a price to bribe me. Funny, because looking back now I am even ashamed to tell you what the "bribe-price" is. Well, I was very young so don’t judge me. It was Choco-Milo, believe me, no child born in my generation can reject the temptation of Choco-Milo. The love for Choco-Milo was what made my younger brother swallowed a Maggi cube.

Therefore, with the price of Choco-Milo on my mind, I set on my first attempt on wooing a lady (or so I thought). My mind was pacing faster than Usain Bolt’s feet when he is on a hundred meter race but I believe I can do it and that was my motivational strength. Mind you, the lady in question was thrice my height, probably in her late teens or early twenties, so am guessing she was also twice my age. Standing behind her, all these facts began to run through my mind. I practically became paralyzed with shock and anxiety; I stretched my finger and touched her hand.

“Aunty, good afternoon,” I said.

She turned and was looking for the voice that beckoned her from her height’s point of view. I suppose she should know I am a child, but, then she might think it is a girl’s voice judging by the shrill nature of my voice. After split seconds of eye-rolling for her caller, she found the diminutive creature (me) and then bent low to my height. My guess was that she found my composure adorable.

“Hello. Cute boy, how are you? She asked.

“I am fine” I replied. I then sustained my request “aunty, please I need your help but I doubt if you will do the favour for me.”

“I will do it for you if it is within my capacity” she replied.

“It is definitely within your capacity” I spontaneously injected my response.

“Ok,” she said with a little sigh of conviction “cute little boy, ask” she retorted.

But before I could ask for the favour, she chipped in another question “what is your name, sef? And in a well-packaged manner, I replied “my name is Ola” and she said “ok, now ask for the favour.”

At this point, I can’t really explain how the words were coming to my mouth. I mean, you will want to doubt the next words that came out of my mouth (judging by the fact that I was barely seven years old). I guess it is the level of acquaintance I have created with this lady.

“please Aunty, my brother over there (I pointed to Bros Kay) says he love you, but he knows that if he comes to tell you, you will probably disagree, so he ask me to help beg you to give him a chance”

From the look on the lady’s face, I could tell she was shocked to hear such words from me. She was startled and baffled at the same time.

“What is now the favour you came to ask?” she retorted

“The favour is simple, please help me love him because he loves you,” I said with a strong conviction even when I don’t know what love is.

“Did he teach you all this?” she asked.

“No, he just asked me to come and tell you” I replied.

Then in a very soft tone, she said “Ok. Tell him I have heard, but he should come and tell me himself.”

I said, “ok, aunty, but no matter what he says, Aunty, will you still accept him?”

“Maybe, just tell him to come himself,” she said.

Turning to leave, I snapped as I forgot to ask for her name.

“Sorry, I don’t know you name, Aunty.”

She nodded her head back and forth as if to say, she doesn’t want to tell me. As I noticed that, I quickly moved to strong arm her into giving me the name. Using my puppy dog look, I said, “Aunty, haba! You know my name already, why can’t I know yours”. Falling for the look and the tune I used to convey my request, she said “My name is Bimbo.”

I said, “Aunty Bimbo, please don’t break your promise to me”. Note, I was saying this just for the purpose of choco milo and not because I care about the feelings of the lady. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t think so. I am just an errand boy doing the biddings of my master.

NAME: OLAYIWOLA GRANDEE