Are Nigerian men losing women to vibrators and dildos?

A man walks into the room, and is trying to get down on his wife. They start making out, and next thing you know, she says, “wait, wait, I have an idea.” He’s excited. He likes new types of enjoyment, because he is the enjoyment minister.

“Help me get it from the drawer,” she points at the bedside drawer. He dives there, because time cannot be wasted. When he opens the drawer, at first he thinks it’s a torchlight, but he grabs it anyway, a little confused.

When he raises it up, it looks like the chunk of meat between his thigh — the one that was now shrinking. Only, this thing is bigger.

But you know the thing with vibrators, dildos and everything in that gang, they don’t shrink.

Nigerian men, and in truth, men from everywhere, freak out at the sight of a vibrator. You be hearing words like “Am I not enough for you?” or “I promise to last longer than two minutes next time.”

But will men ever be replaced by vibrators?

Guys, you need to chill. There’ll be women who will stick to vibrators because they believe, you know, men are really just scum, and something that runs on Tiger batteries will never cheat on them.

But do we see a future where men have to go down on one knee to be chosen over a vibrator? Well, not really. Unless technology gets so badass that we have smart vibrators that detect pleasure points with ruthless precision.

But even at that, there’s no real chance that your Willy will get replaced by the e-Willy. Here’s why:

1. Penis is not everything: Guys believe their penis is the beginning and end of everything in a woman’s Universe. Guess what? It’s not. And be lucky it’s not, because if it was, then women won’t be needing men. An orgasm is great and all that, I mean, women have to get it somewhere at least. But women want more than that.

2. A dildo will not listen to you talk about your day: And women dig this, because, women, just like men, want companionship. I asked Mercy, who just happened to be visiting her friend here at Pulse when I hit her with the question;

“Men are scum, but a sex toy won’t kiss you on your forehead at night, and do all those cute things.”

3. Nothing like a real, warm, true life something: A vibrator can’t be cuddled. Hormones like oxytocin aka the love hormone, has a better chance of being secreted by human contact. By the feel of another person on your body. Ella, a writer here at Pulse said this:

“You just want to be able to hold on to someone when you’re done. You can’t cuddle a dildo.”

Have you ever been to an Owambe and they gave you only small chops? Small chops are nice and all that, but can it replace Jollof Rice?

If anything, Nigerian men should start treating vibrators as an ally. You know, buy time with it, let it be your supporting striker. So it can buy you time from like two minutes to 15 minutes.

That way, when you start to carry shoulder up, it actually feels more justifiable.

The Future of Sex Toys.

We’re building machines and processes that learn to be smarter from feedback. It’s the future. Software no longer just takes instructions, it learns from you. It studies your habits. It knows you like to read about Wizkid. Or that you like to visit Hot Pulse at 2 in the morning.

I asked Mercy, “what if you had a dildo, or better still, a sex mannequin that knows you like kisses at 11pm, and knows how to please you in ways that your egotistical man can’t.”

Her answer was apt;

“I’ll choose scum over sex toys. Any day.”