It’s now an open secret that Reuben Abati, who served former President Goodluck Jonathan as Special Adviser on media and publicity, has a phobia for demons, spirits and whispering palms.
In Abati’s Aso Villa (the nation’s seat of power), Witches and Wizards lurked in the shadows, looking for whom to devour.
Abati was so convinced of the influence of evil spirits in the affairs of his principal, he recently devoted an entire column to discussing Demons, Witches, people walking on their heads, dildos and erectile dysfunction.
In Abati’s world, Witches are the reason Nigeria hasn’t attained greatness all these years.
“People tend to be alarmed when the Nigerian presidency takes certain decisions. They don’t think the decision makes sense. Sometimes, they wonder if something has not gone wrong with the thinking process at that highest level of the country. I have heard people insist that there is some form of witchcraft at work in the country’s seat of government. I am ordinarily not a superstitious person, but working in the Villa, I eventually became convinced that there must be something supernatural about power and closeness to it.
“When presidents make mistakes, they are probably victims of a force higher than what we can imagine. Since Buhari government assumed office, it has been one mistake after another. Those mistakes don’t look normal, the same way they didn’t look normal under President Jonathan. I am therefore convinced that there is an evil spell enveloping this country. We need to rescue Nigeria from the forces of darkness. Aso Villa should be converted into a spiritual museum, and abandoned”, Abati wrote.
Abati’s piece was a journey into the esoteric, the arcane, the spooky and the mystical.
Inside the nation’s number one address where all of the major decisions are taken, evil spirits and witches reign supreme—stalking the place on their heads.
As Abati puts it: “There were persons in the Villa walking upside down, head to the ground. I screamed. Everybody looked normal to me”.
He screamed! Who wouldn’t?
It is little wonder that Goodluck Jonathan was such a clueless President and Abati was so poor as spokesperson, he wrote pieces labelling persons criticizing the administration he was serving, as “Children of Anger” and “Yesterday’s men”. Witches.
The bloody Witches! They friggin’ seized his laptop as well!
Abati has a solution for the nation’s witchcraft woes: “Should I become President of Nigeria tomorrow, I will build a new Presidential Villa: a Villa that will be dedicated to the all-conquering Almighty, and where powers and principalities cannot hold sway”.
Abati was so relieved when he finally got out of the Villa.
“We are happy to be out of that place”, he exhaled.
But trust the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) to ruin a man’s mood and act the part of Witches—Abati’s worst nightmare.
On Monday night, Abati was picked up by operatives of the anti-graft agency.
ALSO READ: EFCC arrests Ex-President's aide
EFCC sources say the Guardian columnist and renowned essayist was arrested for a N50m gift he received from former National Security Adviser (NSA) to erstwhile President Jonathan, Colonel Sambo Dasuki.
If your memory is any good, you’ll recall that Dasuki was quite the Santa Claus during the Jonathan era.
Dasuki is currently in DSS and EFCC custody for a slew of crimes including illegal possession of firearms, money laundering and corruption.
EFCC boss, Ibrahim Magu has been talking tough.
"We don’t just arrest somebody who has no case to answer,” Magu thundered.
He added: "It’s not true that we are selective in the fight against corruption. Whoever we arrested for corruption must be guilty of it. We are also making progress in this fight even though it’s not our fight alone, it’s a fight for all of us as people of this country."
Oh well, Magu and his EFCC can’t tell Abati nothing right now as he cools his heels in one of their cells; pending when he is granted bail.
EFCC and Magu are Demons and Witches!
Expect another thriller from Abati once he’s done with EFCC interrogation: “The spiritual side of Magu’s bald pate”.
Some mothers do have ‘em.