Everything You Need To Know About Getting A Divorce While Raising Kids

Many parents who are about to get divorced also feel guilt, Campbell adds, because they feel as though theyre tearing the family apart; its normal to worry that so much change will be too difficult for your kids.

Especially if its been a rocky road to the divorce , your children are most likely feeling the effects of the conflict in your marriage, and are equally upset about the situationthey might vacillate between feeling sad and being angry with you, says Campbell. Theres a chance your child or children might even express resentment toward you, or in other cases, they might feel the complete opposite. Many children also report feeling relief because they were tired of all the fighting, Campbell says.

The main way to weather the situation is with clear communication about how your lives will move forward, including an in-depth talk with your partner regarding the logistics of the living and parenting situation first, experts say. Heres how to initiate the divorce discussion with your kids and how to help them retain a sense of normalcy throughout.

Whats the best way to tell my kids I'm getting divorced?

The tough thing is knowing where to even begin with this conversation. First of all, you cant assume your kids have no idea whats going on, no matter how discreet you think youve been. Many children of divorcing parents suspect a divorce is coming if they haven't already outright asked their parents about it, says Andrea Vacca , Esq., a collaborative divorce attorney and mediator, so the best thing to do is tell your kids the truth. Vacca suggests coming up with a plan of attack with your partner in terms of honestly answering this question.

I advise parents to try and create a common narrative around what is happening to the marriage, what changes the children can expect after the divorce, and what the new living arrangements will be, Vacca says. Thats why its key to chat with your ex-husband or wife first and establish that script so you both use the same language when speaking to the kids. If you cant come to an agreement about what to say or when to have the conversation with your kids, consult a therapist to step in and mediate, Vacca suggests.

Is there a right time to tell the kids?

Well, no time is going to be ideal to tell your kids youre getting divorced, especially because divorce proceedings can drag on for longer than you originally anticipated. And though waiting until things seem more "final" might feel like the best move, Vacca warns these long proceedings don't often have a clear beginning, middle, or end so you might end up being too late.

Ideally, you and your partner would talk to your children as a team before filing the divorce papers, Campbell says. That way everyone will be on the same page before anything official happens. Divorce should be taken one step at time with all players operating on common ground, says Campbell. "Otherwise, betrayal becomes an unnecessary issue that only aggravates the already intense emotions."

Should I consider splitting up the conversations based on my kids' ages?

Its best to have one family meeting about the divorce process, so that none of your children feel left out or slighted because the other sibling found out first. Once youve told them all together, then you can have separate conversations with each child to answer their individual questions, Campbell says.

When you have those private discussions with each of the kids, talk to their age level, Campbell suggests. If you have an elementary school age child, you may need to explain what a divorce means first, before explaining what the parents and childrens living and visitation situations might look like.

An older child will understand the basics of a divorce, likely because they'll most likely have friends whose parents have been through this, but may have more questions about all the logistics of life after the divorce. No matter what, you need to keep each childs emotions in mind; they might react very differently than their sibling or siblings. Always talk to their developmental level and always be honest, says Campbell.

What do I do if my kids worry the divorce is their fault?

Regardless of their initial reaction to the divorce, it's critical that you reiterate to your children that they're in no way responsible for the divorce. And rather than being vague about why things are changing, give some detail about why the marriage could not be saved, advises Campbell.

During this conversation, youll want to reassure your kids of the reality that some marriages dont last, and sometimes people just cant get along like they once did, says Campbell. Ultimately, you should explain why its better for everyone involved that you separate. Make sure they understand that its in the best interest of the children to grow up in a home with love rather than conflict, she adds.

As long as you're honest and clear, you kids will understand the many reasons for divorce. Check out this woman's:

How do I explain how life will look after the divorce?

You may not have all the answers to the questions your kids come up with when you have the initial divorce talk with them, but keep them in the loop as you work those details out. Vacca recommends working out the logistics about co-parenting with your partner ASAP, and then explaining them to your kids together in order to provide them more stability throughout the process.

These details should include where the children will be living once the parents are no longer living together, what the plan is for finding a new home for the parent who is moving out, and what the schedule will be for the children to spend time with each parent, Vacca says.

Keep in mind that theres no perfect solution or right way to cohabitate or co-parent after a divorceyou have to figure out, often with trial and error, what will work for your family. Some parents might be still living together while they work everything out, but may have a schedule with an on duty and off duty parent to minimize the parents' interaction.

Vacca says shes had clients decide to nest, which happens when the children stay in the same home and the parents move in and out. More conventionally, one parent moves out to another home. Let the kids in on the schedule and living arrangements so that its easier to understand where they will be staying and when, and even how they will get from one home to another, Vacca says.

Even while you and your partner might not have every post-divorce detail worked out, sticking with your kids' regular routine is important. Keep them involved in their activities and keep their schedules as normal as possible, says Campbell. So that even though your kids know things at home are about to change in a major way, they can count on the other parts of their lives to look the same.

Should we consider therapy?

Its very likely (and expected) that you and your ex-spouse won't always be on the same page when it comes to parenting, schedules, and time spent with the kids. Thats where a therapist comes in. They can help mediate the conversations between you and your ex, and between the the two of you and your children. A therapist can analyze your particular situation with each child, and help you keep their schedules on track, Campbell says, while making sure things stay civil between you and your ex as you co-parent.

And if you ever have to switch up your parenting agreement in any way, that warrants a conversation between you, your ex, and a mediator, lawyer, or a therapist, suggests Vacca. That way, you have a third party to help iron out the details about when each parent will take the kids and what their specific responsibilities are during that time.

How should I speak to my kids about my ex?

Trash-talking your ex, especially in front of your kids, is not going to be healing for anyonedont do it, Campbell warns. Leave the children out of your disagreements and discussions having to do with the divorce, Vacca adds, You have to make your best efforts to control your emotions in their presence.

And its not just youremind your relatives and friends to be on their best behavior as well to set an example for the kids. The last thing the kids need is more people feeding negatively into the situation and adding fuel to the fire, so to speak. When one parent (or a relative or friend) speaks negatively about or argues with the other parent with the children present, it can make the kids feel caught in the middle.

Speaking to each other with respect and careful consideration, instead of speaking to your ex-spouse as though they're an enemy, can make all the difference in helping the divorce process go more smoothly, Vacca says. Children need to know that even if the marriage is ending, you are still a family.