‘You are not the most beautiful woman in the world, but I chose you’ is Negging - Here’s why it is wrong

What happened?

A Nigerian relationship expert was in the news for writing a caption to his fiancee that started with ‘You are the most beautiful woman in the world’.

He is not the only one who has given such a backhanded compliment, a pastor once said his wife was not 'fine' when he met her.

Perhaps what they intended to say was beauty was not the criteria they used to choose a mate and they are committed to them beyond their physical appearance, but they should never have said that they do/did not rate their partner's attractiveness highly.

Why this is important

Negging comes from the word negative feedback, and it aims at reducing a person's self-esteem through backhanded compliments.

In an article published in The Journal of Aggression, negging was defined as, “the purposeful lowering of a woman’s self-esteem to increase perceived attractiveness of the man in order to achieve sexual conquest.” It has been used to pick up women for the longest time.

An example of negging the writer of this article, a slim woman, has received is, “I usually like curvy thick girls, but I am attracted to you.” or “I didn’t like how you dressed until I saw you in that yellow shirt.” Negging is neither a compliment nor an insult.

Here are five ways a man negging you will behave

His compliments embarrass you

A compliment is made to make you feel happy and more confident, but when you are being negged, you end up feeling more embarrassed whenever he compliments you.

His compliments involve comparison

“I met more beautiful women, but I chose you.” What this compliment does is elevate the man, feed his ego and demote the woman.

While it may be true that he might have met more attractive women, telling her only makes her feel bad about herself when compared to others.

He brushes it off or says he’s joking when accused of negging

Instead of accepting responsibility for what was said, and agreeing that it lacks emotional intelligence, they attempt to gaslight by saying, your interpretation of what they said is the problem or they were just joking.

He might even tell you, he is just being honest and you are unable to handle the truth.

He makes destructive criticisms

Some criticism isn’t just to make you better but to make you feel smaller and crush your self-esteem.

He makes you seek his approval

Men who negs wants you to constantly need them and seek their approval and praise. You find yourself adjusting your behaviour so he can be pleased with you.

Why do you need to avoid a man who negs?

Negging is a toxic form of emotional manipulation. The relationship is usually not happy and fulfilling. As far back as 1965, a study showed,

“When an individual is made to feel ‘low,’ they find potential romantic partners more attractive — but only in the short term.”

Even though you may be attracted to a partner who negs you, those feelings won’t last. You will soon begin to resent them.

Plus, a person who engages in negging does so from a place of low self-esteem and powerlessness and at the end of the day, both of you may be unhappy and miserable unless you get to the root of it and he changes his behaviour.