‘Women Teach Sex’ is Pulse’s weekly series designed to capture the thoughts of everyday Nigerian women on sexual health, pleasure and what women expect good sex to be and feel like.
Many women choose celibacy for religious, moral and personal reasons. For the woman in this #WomenTeachSex episode, however, her body just simply refused to yield to her will for three frustrating years. She takes us through her experience with this uncommon form of imposed celibacy. This is the 12th of this series. Catch up on previous editions here.
First things first: How are you feeling at the onset of this interview, like what are you expecting?
So I haven’t been on this side of the table very often so I’m a bit nervous plus I haven’t told this story before. Since it’s anonymous I’m like, why not!?
Exactly. Oya gist me what your introduction to sex was like
I started reading romance novels at a very young age. I remember reading one of my first and the thing was sweeting me but I didn’t know or understand what Iwas reading or why it was sweeting me lol. I just knew that they were exciting and I wanted to be like the women in the book. Sometimes I say romance novels ruined me, because i started to idealize sex. I mean, the sex in the books was always perfect, exciting, loving. And the people always had a happy ending. I wanted that, too. So in reality, I avoided everything that had to do with sex because I was waiting for “Mr Right”.
And was it with Mr Right the first time you did it?
Uhm. So I was actually off sex for a long ass time...
Oh. So, celibacy?
Yeah. After I realised that all that “Mr Right” stuff I had internalized was crap, I decided to try out sex when I was 19-ish. I had someone with whom I just wanted to do it and get it over with. I was ready and relaxed and willing but my vagina just refused to open. I was with the person for a while and we attempted it several times, on different days, in different positions. This guy was gentle, attentive, all that… he was not even a virgin and he knew what he was doing but my body just went: ‘yeah, that’s not happening.’ Celibacy was literally forced on me by my body.
And it was so frustrating because I liked him a lot and he liked me too but this sex thing put a strain on things. For me, I felt embarrassed and felt so conscious about it so I broke up with him because I felt I had nothing else to offer him. I know that’s dumb but that was it.
How did your partner[s] take it?
Omo. I used to lie a lot o. Because I was so unwilling to explain to people why I was still a virgin. The conversation usually takes a whole different direction that I was unwilling to even explore at all. I’ve lied that I’m asexual. I’ve told multiple people that I am celibate, told someone else that I was demisexual - just to explain away the reason why I wasn’t going to have sex with them. If we were making out for example, and I suspected that things were going to move down there, I‘d just take control and steer them clear by doing something else to make them forget about sex. And when that didn’t work, then I’d bring out the lies. Lol.
But many of the guys were understanding. They’d usually go “Ok, whenever you’re ready.” That’s how I now have so many people all over the world that have decided to be there for me when I’m ready.
How did celibacy impact dating and stuff like that?
The fact that I wasn’t having sex inhibited me a bit. Especially knowing that my body was rejecting sex. I didn't feel like trying to date anyone because I felt like dating in this our modern time involves a lot of sex. I felt that was something everyone would want and I couldn’t offer it at that point, so what was the point?
Also I was embarrassed. I remember there was a boy I really, really liked and we started going out. So I initiated sex with him and that stuff happened again. In the middle of the whole thing, I just started crying. I was very embarrassed and annoyed at my body for not allowing me to do what I wanted to do. It was just very, very annoying. Especially when I started crying and he started comforting me. Gosh! Fucking embarrassing till this day.
What were the most difficult parts of maintaining that enforced celibacy?
Holding back. I am a very introverted person already, so having that issue just made it worse. I didn’t bother meeting people at all and I regret it now that I am older. I kinda feel like I missed out on experiences just because they’d laugh at me or something. And of course, the times where I’d be horny! Mind you, I already knew what arousal felt like but I just wasn’t having sex at that time. So I’d just have to help myself out on those horny days. Particularly those times when I’d smoke weed and get really high. Omo.
What was the horniest thing you heard from someone trying to convince you to dump celibacy and get down with them?
Not many experiences come to mind but I remember the guy that tried to give a whole ass lecture about how all that celibacy thing wasn’t worth it at all and that I was wasting my time. I think that’s it.
Did you ever fail and had to restart the whole cycle?
Well, after the first period when I tried and my body did what it did, I signed off sex. But then I met that guy I really liked and then the thing failed and I started crying. Lol. After that I didn’t try again until I left Nigeria. At first, I was bent on doing it before leaving Nigeria but it just didn’t work so off I went.
Lmao. Oh my God. Apparently, I had just been so conscious of my body. Look at me thinking I had endometriosis or that my vagina was not normal. All it took was for me to go to a gynaecologist here. LOL. I was like: ‘Aunty, can you please check me? I have tried having sex and it’s not working o.’
She sha told me to not worry. She did a cold examination of my uterus, did all her checks and said my vajayjay is alright and that all I needed was to be calming down, learn how to relax, how to do kegels bla bla bla. I actually had to learn how to get control of my body sha. I did that and as they say: the rest is history.
Hahaha. Tell me a little about this ‘history’
Well. Lmao. My hoeing days started with white men. It’s actually been white men so far. Lol. The first time I tried after seeing the gynaecologist, it [my vagina] was about to do that whole thing again but because I knew what the problem was, I just relaxed. But when the guy was going to put it in, it was quite painful but I was just like, ‘let’s do this shit and get it over with so that was that.’
Oh. Let me add that I finally see why everyone wants black men. White men don’t really have impressive dicks like that.
LMAO. I’m screaming .
And this guy had the nerve to come early and roll over! Omo!!! I was just there like, ‘naim be this? Is this really my first time? Omo how we go do this thing?’ Lol. After a while I went to meet him oh. Please, we have to do this thing again.
LMAO. E don jam Nigerian stallion.
He was like ‘round two?’. Omo, I told him ‘yas bitch.’
He sha came correct sha. The second time wasn’t bad.
Confirm. Random but what would you teach men about sex if you could gather them all in one place?
Honestly, I used to read and hear about how men don’t know how to find clit but omo… that thing is real! And it’s not even about finding it but knowing how to handle it. Some people… they are too soft. You are not supposed to be kind and gentle and soft with it. This is a whole trigger we’re talking about here. You are supposed to be rough. It’s not even just that… there’s a way sha… if you eventually find the clit, whether you are giving head or fingering, you should know what to do when you are there. Why are you gentle with this thing? When you are supposed to be gentle, you won’t be. Omo, this is fire for fire. Please work out this thing. Do your job please.
What is the most ignorant opinion you’ve heard from a man concerning women’s bodies?
This wasn’t said to me sha. But some guy on Reddit said he used to think that when women cum, they are supposed to bring out milk from their breasts.
What’s one act you’d love to try but haven’t been able to?
[Long laughter] Definitely getting handcuffed or something. Just inhibited in a way and then thrown about. They’ve thrown me about sha but yeah, cuff me and throw me around. Not some Christian Grey level of Kinky stuff sha. Also, I’ve been considering sex when I’m sick. I don’t know sha but they say it’s nice, especially for guys. I’d love to try that.
One popular sex act you consider overrated?
Riding. It’s enjoyable oh, but I think it’s overrated. Maybe because I can’t really do it. Lmaoo.
And one that is underrated?
I know a lot of girls don’t like doing it but I really like sucking dick. Personally, I find it really enjoyable.
What’s your sex life like these days?
I have a constant servicer. We’re not in a relationship and I don't want us to be because he’s quite annoying, but he’s very good at what he does so... here we are.
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