‘Women Teach Sex’ is Pulse’s weekly series designed to capture the thoughts of everyday Nigerian women on sexual health, pleasure and what women expect good sex to be and feel like.
Today’s edition of Pulse’s #WomenTeachSex is as told by a Christian woman who found out in marriage that her religion could stand in the way of her pleasurable sex life. She candidly shares the turbulent journey she and her husband navigated before finding that sweet spot between their sex life and their walk with God. Catch up on previous editions of Women Teach Sex here.
Tell me about the first time you knew what sex was
My earliest memory of sex, if I remember correctly was in JSS 2. This girl in my class always had the wildest stories and we all just used to gather around her to hear gist. It was from her that I truly had a grasp of what all those things we used to see on TV really meant and entailed.
How old were you then?
Fair enough. When was your first time?
During NYSC. One thing about me is that while my parents were not the most religious or the strictest, I still managed to internalize a lot of prohibitive narratives about sex. I mean, I am 28 now so you have a mental picture of what the Nigerian society thought of sex in those days. In a way, it’s still the same religious and moral stand against premarital sex that you have these days, but that one was on steroids. It got to me and I just somehow picked the ‘no sex before marriage’ stance. It was hard to let go of it even after I’d started reading and getting more educated on sex and sexual health. So, yeah, that was why I didn’t do it till NYSC.
And how did you feel after that first time?
Underwhelmed. Very underwhelmed. And it’s fascinating because I have seen many women say this same thing, too. Here you are, preparing your mind all your life, psyching yourself for what is so regularly hyped; and in the end, you are just massively disappointed. One would even think that men of 25/26 would know how to ease a woman into a more pleasurable first-time experience but no oh, these Nigerian men seem to be just as clueless whether they are in secondary school, uni, or postgraduate school. It was so bad that I just logged off sex and decided to hold out till marriage. Not for religious reasons or anything oh. I mean, what was the point of doing it, if it was going to be that shitty? In the end, I couldn’t hold out till marriage sha. After my then-boyfriend [now husband] proposed, we started having sex.
What changed your mind?
For one, we had been dating for one year and we had made out a lot in that time. Also, there were like 3 years between when I left NYSC and when I got married. I had discovered self-pleasure and sex toys in that time, so sex with him just occurred as the next logical step, especially after he proposed and we started preparing for the wedding.
I feel you
And also, lowkey I wanted to be sure that my body could actually handle a real penis, and also to establish our sexual compatibility beyond the conversations we had. Thankfully, there were no issues there.
So what’s your sex life like these days, you know, being married and all?
These days? We’re good now. Generally, we’ve had it good but we’ve had rocky patches sha oh. Omo, serious rocky patches.
Hold that thought for a minute. For how long have you been married?
2 years and a few months. Let’s say two years sha.
Ok. Tell me about those rocky patches you were talking about
Before we got married, he mentioned being down for anything and being adventurous and as I mentioned earlier, I had been reading and consuming a lot of stuff when I was being celibate. I mentioned that anal sex was something that I found fascinating but wasn’t sure I’d be able to try because I read that it could be painful. Long story short, some months into our marriage, I kind of got over my fear and I suggested that we try. Baba refused repeatedly and we had a huge row about it. Apparently, he had also been having issues with me still using toys after we married. Me that I was already thinking of introducing sex toys to our lovemaking oh. It was not funny sha. This thing dragged on for weeks and started affecting parts of our relationship.
That was when he also made a comment about us being Christians and stuff like anal sex and toys not being so Christian-like.
See I wanted to lose my mind. I was like: where is all of this coming from? Yes, we are now more in touch with our religious side after we got married but abeg, what has that got to do with the way we approach sex? In marriage oh. I mean, is the point not to wait to get here and then let loose?
I think that’s exactly the point
It turns out that my husband has been overthinking this Christian life too much. I was almost tempted to pray for us to go back to being passive Christians oh, because kini gbogbo palapala yi? [what’s all this rubbish?] In the end sha, we passed that hurdle. I don’t even know what he saw, read, or who he spoke with. He just came home one day from work and started making moves.
We got in bed and he asked if I still wanted to try anal. I was looking at him suspiciously but I nodded. That’s how baba went and brought out one big tube of lube from his office bag. I just started laughing on the bed. So, yeah, we tried that and that was how we worked past that. Since then, he has become more open to trying new things. At least to see if we will like it or not.
I’m glad things worked out for you guys
Thanks. But please can we, like, talk about the sex life of Christian men for a minute?
Hahahaha. By all means, abeg.
Why do they think there’s anything wrong with enjoying and exploring the full spectrum of sexual pleasure? Inside marriage oh! Is it because Christ told them to honour us? Omo, me I don’t think Christ would mind that one oh. Because, how does a religion focus so much on female chastity before marriage, women obey and hold body till they get married, only for these men to now be holding us back again? See, God forbid oh. Let me tell you something funny.
I was having this conversation with two other married babes at my workplace and one of them says she knows someone who experienced the same thing in her Christian marriage and that she also suspects that her husband would be someone like that as well. Thankfully, she doesn’t care much for all of this explorative and adventurous stuff so that can’t be a problem for them. But for other married women like me who have this ginger in them, the husband simply has to oblige!
That’s on periodt!
Maybe you should ask your readers oh. Because I am sure there are men that think like that and their women must be going through a lot. Let’s hear what people think about exploring these so-called ‘taboo sex’ topics in Christian marriages.
I surely will. One last thing though: how would you advise women in this situation?
I’d say communicate. Just communicate. It’s usually not as easy and straightforward as that but if you intend to be faithful and to enjoy your sex life to your heart’s content, you just have to push through your inhibition and talk to him about it. And if he is not so eager to try, go on a campaign of trying to convince him. Send him links to show the advantages and pleasure in what you are proposing, and all that. And if that does not work, then sorry to you, dear. I don’t know what else to say.
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