‘#WomenTalkSexByPulse’ is Pulse’s weekly series designed to capture the thoughts of everyday Nigerian women on sexual health, pleasure, and what women expect good sex to be and feel like.
Women Talk Sex: The tricky sex life of a Nigerian demisexual
The Nigerian demisexual experience.
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation that makes people feel sexual attraction only towards people they have formed a deep emotional connection with. In this week’s ‘Women Talk Sex’ edition, we spoke with a young Nigerian woman who tells us how chaotic and unsatisfying it can be when you are a demisexual in Nigeria. Read on.
Let’s talk about your first time realising what sex was about
That had to be in Primary school. I think this was Primary 3 or thereabouts. There was a mentally imbalanced man who used to roam somewhere around my primary school back in the day and he had brutally raped a goat. That period was a lot stressful as the school had to ensure that we were safe and all that. It was in the aftermath that one of the girls in the class, who happened to be older than everyone, explained what sex was to us. She must have been 11 or 12 at the time. It was she who gave us the whole penis-in-vagina kind of narration. At the time, I cringed. Lol. I was like ewwww!
I know right. And it’s crazy because prior to this time, I was being abused and I didn’t even know what was happening. My stepbrother had been touching me inappropriately. And then it happened again when I was about 16/17 and this time around, I was aware of what it meant and what was happening and it hurt like a motherfucker.
I’m so sorry that you had these terrible experiences.
Has any of that affected your present sex life in any way?
Presently, my sex life is pretty much self-serving. Lol. I go through something that many other women go through which is that whenever you get close to your monthly period, you become extra horny. That is actually when I have sex - with myself. Asides from that, I’m celibate, really. And all my life, I have actually been more celibate than not. Truth be told, I’m demisexual, first of all. So sex is a weird thing for me, really. I enjoy it greatly but I have never been ruled by it. I have a very healthy appetite for sex; in fact, I’d love to have a very healthy sex life but I don’t get to have as much sex as I think I’d love to. I think I should be having waaaaaay more sex than I am currently having but I’ve just never had it that way. It’s crazy. I’m dangerously close to a year without sex. I’ve been very busy and occupied to actually pursue the kind of sex life that I actually like. I always prefer it to be with people that I can relax with, people you can trust and enjoy it with - not just some random person. And this is made even more tricky because I don’t date.
Do you think those experiences may have played a part in your becoming a demisexual?
Uhmmm… no, I don’t think so. And I don’t think I’d ever let them take credit for that. So, no. I like to think I am what I am, independently of all that. I have moved on from that time of my life and all that is behind me now so hell no. I mean, after those experiences, I have lived through many more experiences [not necessarily negative ones], and I think I have grown in many ways, put in the necessary work and shrugged off the painful experiences to be where I am today, sexy in my skin and comfortable with myself. Nah, they have nothing to do with the person I’ve become now. Can’t let them take all that away from me.
Speaking of putting all that behind you. Did you see a professional therapist or what exactly were the processes you went through?
I never did therapy even though I recommend it. But I did a lot of journaling, read a lot of books, turned to God. Truth be told, I almost lost my mind. Thankfully, I had the best friends. They listened, stood by me and gave sound advice. Frankly, it wasn’t a walk in the park but I soon realized it wasn’t my fault. And my worth wasn’t determined by my hymen. It couldn’t be stolen. That was the hardest part. Time made the rest better. Time and good company. I’ll still be trying therapy soon though. I just couldn’t find the time back then. It’s been a long road to recovery. But I’m grateful to be here.
I feel you. Away from that, I wanted to ask how it feels to be someone with a healthy appetite for sex and yet be getting so little of it
It’s a vicious cycle, especially for someone who is sexually liberated like me, who does not adhere to repressive sex standards. Personally, I’m not someone that likes to wait for shit to happen and I wouldn’t mind going after what I want but connecting with people is very hard. In today’s world, everyone just wants to dine, dash and owe nothing. But my body and mind simply require more. The few times I tried the no-strings-attached thing, I got bored so fast. And since I wasn’t looking for a relationship, my options have always been kinda limited. People always think your desire to connect is a trap but my body just simply demands trust. So, yeah, it’s very tricky.
I can imagine. But the self-pleasure bit keeps things balanced, I suppose?
Oh, yeah, it does. I’ve also introduced sex toys to my routine. I don’t have a closet full of them yet but I got a mini vibrator last year and it’s been a game-changer. I’ve also decided to really think about my fantasies, research the things I like.
Speaking of fantasies... care to share the biggest one you have?
Lately, I’ve been thinking about dating again and with dating comes to sex. So I guess I’ve been fantasizing about the kind of partner I want. Is that weird?
All fantasies’ lives matter
Lol. I guess. But on a more serious note, I want a guy that can take and give control. I like to be in control. So I may have been fantasizing about that. I also want to play games, kinky games. No BDSM or pain of any kind but want to skate the edges; roleplay, blindfold and basically explore.
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