"The male manual: Why is space important?"

A very special friend always says that she loves how we can be in the company of each other and still have ‘comfortable’ silence. What she means by this is simply that we can both be around each other and not necessarily say anything to each other. Our relationship has matured to the point where we can physically be in each other’s presence, not say anything to each other and still not feel like we are being ignored or unattended.

When you are in a relationship, especially a long relationship, you won’t always have something to say to your baby. As men, we aren’t naturally inclined to talk all the time or a lot. And even when we talk, we usually get to the point and that’s that. Women, on the other hand, are generally not built this way. They usually want to talk about anything and everything. Talking is mostly synonymous to some sort of attention and affirmation as far as women are concerned. It may not be about anything in particular. You may not even have anything to do with what is being talked about – the information being passed across to you may not even be of any meaningful purpose to you – as long as you’re talking. So what do you do when you’re faced with this land mine? How do you navigate this potentially treacherous situation? What do you do when you don’t really feel like talking but don’t want to be put on pussy leave indefinitely? We’ll get to that.

Apart from talking, there are other times when you just want some alone time. You love your girl and all that but sometimes, you just want to be with your guys or watch the game or you just may not feel like cuddling. No matter how much you love your girl, there is no way you will ALWAYS want to be with her ALL the time or spend EVERY waking moment with her or do EVERY single thing with her. And that’s just how it works for your girl too. Don’t worry, this is completely normal. That’s just how we are wired as humans. That’s why you have to be very conversant with your girl’s persona. A lot of men barely know their woman, I mean, really KNOW their women. Most times, we just go along relating with our women based on the general stereotypes we have about women. The messed up part about this is that we are blinded to the fact that every woman is different. Every woman approaches different situation differently. Not all women are clingy, not all women are overly emotional, not all women are attention seeking missiles, and not all women want a dotting man that is always all up in her business. I’ve witnessed instances where men constantly monitor their women. “Where are you?” “Send me a picture” “Which friend are you with? Give him/her the phone” “I know we spent the last two weekends together, but I still want to see you this weekend.” Smh.

Fellas’, being in a relationship with a woman doesn’t automatically anoint you as the FBI of her life. No matter the kind of relationship you have or how close you both are, you need to learn to give your woman her personal space. She won’t always want to tell you EVERYTHING; she can’t always be with you – even if you’re married. You need to learn to give your woman some space. You don’t have to have an input in everything that she does. Not so much space that she starts to feel ignored or abandoned, but just enough to let her do her thing.

It may be hard, but trust me when I say doing this will only make her appreciate you more and also give her a chance to miss you from time to time. She starts to see herself as having a chance to be herself and live a full life, not having to deal with your annoying ass self from all the damn time. She develops the confidence to have fun and try new things without you breathing down her neck like a love-starved G-string. She trusts that you trust her and would never betray that trust. She doesn’t feel like she has to be anything other than herself as far as you’re concerned. It may seem impossible, but give it a try. Don’t query into everything she tells you, let some shit slide. Your relationship will only be the better for it.

As for the talking part, it’s just like I said, not all women are the same. In fact, quite a sizable number of women aren’t really talkers. So it all boils down to you, as a man, taking the time to observe, understand, and know your woman. Notice her wiles and whims, observe the subtle nuances in her demeanor, and value her independence. When she doesn’t feel like talking, don’t push it. If you need some clarification, ask. It doesn’t cost anything. And if you’re the one that doesn’t feel like talking, or going to that club, or to that her friends’ wedding because these kind of owambe’s kind of put you under a lot of stress, you have to let her know without being dismissive, or derogatory (this is very important). Explain in clear terms why you don’t want to talk or do whatever earnestly, and leave it. If she is on the same wavelength as you – why else will you be with her, right? – she will understand, and act accordingly. Learn to communicate with your woman, guys.

Verdict: Relationships are always about compromises and communication, which is why you have to be a man and play your role. Don’t be overbearing, don’t demand, represent yourself to the best of your abilities and let your woman do her thing. GIVE HER SOME SPACE. If you need some space, explain to her why and so on. Talk TO not AT her. Be gentle, be honest, be definitive, stay your ground. End of.

Remember your happiness should always come first. Till next time, may God keep us and ours.

If you have suggestions on what topic I should talk about next on#TheMaleManual or thoughts and opinions on this article, tweet at me @Fxlvrin.