Dear Bukky,

I am really just not happy. My fiancé called me and said I am Lazy. I work 8am till 6pm every day; I also go for my academic classes over the weekends.

Just because I sleep a lot when I have the opportunity, he called me lazy.

I am really sad because I thought I have found my all in him. What should I do?________________

Dear reader,

I see deeper issues in this matter you presented here. First of them being the need to ALWAYS relate your problems first with the person you’re in a relationship with, whether or not they are the cause of the issue itself.

That your boyfriend has made you angry does not disqualify him from the position of your first listening ears when you need to settle that issue. So in this case, I’d ask, have you explained to him how insensitive those words were and how hurt you were by them? Did you bother to have a talk with him about how such words put you down and make a mockery of all the hard work you are putting into becoming a better person? If the answer to these is no, then I really think you can do better.

As we have explained in this very educative and helpful article here, talking to outsiders is OK but it should come after you have extensively communicated with your partner, not before. It is when all the efforts at communication bears no good fruit that you can now extend your search for answers to outsiders. By outsiders, I mean every single person other than you and your beau.

Let me also add that I don’t think this is an issue that should split your relationship apart. It’s not much of an issue, sincerely, if you can communicate with him in clear terms how words like that affect your psyche and makes you feel incompetent and undervalued and disrespected. Truth is, he may not even know the extent of the damage of such words. And this is why you have to forgo the expectation placed on him to know better, and actually explain to him expressly what can’t be joked with and words that do not help you in any way.

It is only when this pattern of insults and harsh criticism continues that you may now start to consider dumping him for good. I really do hope, though, that it doesn’t come to that._________________

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