There seems to be a communication problem in many modern relationships that no one either speaks of, or no one seems to be paying attention to.

There seems to exist a pattern of fear and/or unwillingness to communicate with one’s partner and instead reach out to outsiders for their opinions.

Communicating with outsiders

All you need do is check out the relationship pages on Instagram and other social media platforms to grasp the extent to which people in relationships shirk their responsibility to communicate, to reach out and let their emotions, feelings and thoughts be known to the person that really matters; the person with whom all these things should be shared and expressed before anyone else.

On Pulse’s Agony Aunt column, “Bukky’s Relationship Talk,”the story is the same. Questions roll in daily in their tens from people who are scared about their relationships and are worried about things their partners do.

People with genuine concerns on how best to make their treasured relationship work, how to avoid an upset in the balance of the love life they have created with their significant other.

Seeking help is good

Trying to get expert, dispassionate advice on how to make the best of your ailing relationship is not wrong. No. Doing what you can to protect what is yours is never a problem. The act of reaching out for help on emotional issues is not being condemned here, not in the least.

It is the manner with which people go about it that warrants correction.

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Sending a DM to your favourite relationship expert on Instagram at the first sight of trouble in your relationship is not cool. Throwing your matter open for debate on Twitter columns and Instagram comments section is not ideal either.

Heck, your closest friend is not even the first person that you should speak to about that issue in your relationship.

Every relationship involves only two people. All other persons - friends, advisers, counsellors - are extra clogs that the wheel of the relation-ship can certainly move without.

Communicating with your partner is better

Reaching out to your partner, communicating with him or her honestly about your concern should always be your first recourse when there is an issue bugging you in the relationship.

What happens when you communicate first with other people is a reversal of the ideal cycle. Normally, your communication should start with your primary support group – your partner.

It is only when your sincerest, repeated conversations with your partner does not get the job done that you involve outsiders. And that pretty much means everyone else that is not your partner.

They are your secondary support group and their role is to provide answers to things communication has failed to.

Until you have tried to communicate with a partner and met a brick wall, or until all attempts to get them to do the right thing has failed, then and only then should you reach out to your secondary support system.