#PulseFirstLove is a weekly series that captures the emotions people felt, and the motions they went through the first time they tried being in a relationship.
What does your initiation into dating and relationships look like when you are the last child and only girl in a family of super-strict, religious Nigerian parents and three over-protective, overbearing brothers? This #PulseFirstLove story has all the answers.
When was the first time you ever had a crush on someone or that anyone ever had a crush on you?
Lol. So let me quickly first mention that I am probably not the best person to have this whole first love conversation thing with sha.
LMAO. Why not?
I think my love life has always been mad boring. Like, I don’t have an interesting love life or love story even up till now that I’m married. It’s just plain and so straight to the point.
Well, interesting or not, it is your story and that’s all I’m interested in
OK. I hear you
Now let’s get back to my question.
OK. The crush thing. That has to be Yinka Quadri. See, I grew up watching a lot of yoruba movies and by the time I was in senior secondary school, I used to literally drool watching the man on TV. Lame, I know, but it is what it is.
LMAO. No one said it was lame.
Well, now that I have outgrown it, it feels so so lame. But then again, you can only have a crush on something or someone you see so often abi?
There were no boys in your school?
All Girls secondary school. Kinda difficult to roll with boys that much when we all sat separately at the mosque and during prayers and the worst inhibition were the restrictions and curfews laid down by my parents and the watchful eyes of my big brothers.
Wawu. So how was it, being so heavily guarded?
Crazy. Very crazy. And you know what was worse? I never even saw it until I got to uni and became a little independent of them. Like, it just dawned on me how messed up it was that I never got to experience what a lot of girls experienced before they became my age. I didn’t even have an idea of many things that had to do with love and stuff. And I am not even talking of extreme stuff, just basic things - like being wooed, being chased, that kind of stuff. I could not talk to boys especially when I became a teenager. There was always someone to see it and act as if I was fucking him in the full glare of the world and disgracing my family. If it was not my dad, it’d be my mum but most times it was just one of my 3 big brothers. I am the last so you can imagine.
Yeah. So when I say that my love life is not so interesting, that’s what I’m talking about.
Ok. You know what, just gist me. Don’t worry about what’s interesting and what’s not.
Obviously your crush on Yinka Quadri didn’t amount to anything
Hahahaha. For where?
Lmao. So when was the first time you liked someone and they liked you back?
University. I attended university of Ilorin. Actually he liked me first but yeah I liked him back and all was cute and sweet in its own way until it wasn’t.
Not so fast. Let’s not open that chapter and close it like that. Tell me how you guys met first
The mosque. He was one of those muslims who were struggling with the religion or how do I put it? He sha was not into it as I was. I only used to see him during the 8pm prayers - we call it Isha. He noticed me in his 200L. Didn’t grow the balls till 300L. He said he thought I was cute.I thought he was cute too. So him coming to combine all his prayers at 8pm became something I looked forward to. We became close and dated for a bit.
Why a bit?
I think I might have dated him as a form of rebellion honestly. By my upbringing, I already knew my parents would not have approved of someone like him. And as much as I enjoyed the pseudo freedom of uni, I still cared a lot about my parents’ opinions and feared what they’d think of my choices. So he definitely wouldn’t have been someone they’d like, him being a part-time drinker and a struggling muslim and all that. I liked him sha. He had a great personality. But all that meant we could not last because even me sef, I don't like people that drink.
How long were you together for?
About 5 months. And it was a struggle. My friends didn’t think he was good enough and they didn’t even know about the drinking part. Just that he was not muslim enough for me, you know. Mind you, I was ‘free’ in uni but I was still really rooted in my Islamic ways and devotion. It was the only way I knew how to be, you get? So I still gravitated more towards the super-devoted muslim folks who can sometimes be judgemental even though I wanted to also relate with other different babes too.
Must have been a struggle, right?
Being in the relationship?
Yeah. That and actually wanting to hold onto your tested and trusted ways, while hoping to try out other friendships.
I know right. That didn’t happen till I left uni sha. Now I have friends who are covered from head to toe as well as those who aren’t so religious. So far you are a cool person and we vibe well, I have no issues being cool with you.
Fair enough. Let’s talk about how you guys broke up
It was the drinking that first began to put me off. He told me at the onset that he used to drink but that he had stopped and that he was trying to get better in his practice of Islam and that sounded cool to me. But his downfall was that he kept rolling with guys who would make it easy to relapse. I mean, I can’t blame him too much in hindsight. We were almost the same in that we knew a life and even though we wanted a different one, we always went back to the one we were already comfortable with.
So, yeah. I caught a whiff of it in his breath one time when I was at his place and then another time and another time. Of course, we were already arguing over it a lot. I told him he wouldn’t change if he kept rolling with those his old friends, he told me I was being too holier-than-thou then mocked me with the one time we had sex. I acted as if it didn’t hurt me that much but that was really the straw that broke the camel’s back. But then again, I comforted myself with the fact that it was bound to end eventually. He was my rebellion project afterall.
Wow. I’m so sorry.
Phew. That stuff hurt me so much ehn. I feel some type of way even remembering it now. To think I have never told anyone this much details about the breakup.
I’ve been told few times that speaking with a stranger can be therapeutic
I think I agree. This is anonymous abi?
Ok. Thank you.
So how did he take the breakup?
He was stubborn about it, forming hard guy. When I left after that argument that day, I called to tell him I had gotten back to my place and that was it. He never called me after that day. He probably thought I’d call and all. But I didn’t call him either. That was it. We both just moved on like that.
Crazy. About that sex, can we get into it?
No, please. Not really. I regret it so badly and I don’t like to talk about it after how it turned out.
I get. So when was the last time you heard from him?
He tried forming cordial one time on IG. It was so random and out of the blue. Mo block were danu [I blocked him]. I’d rather leave that chapter in the past abeg.
LMAO. Just this last question: is there any idea you had about love and relationships that you are ashamed of now?
That if a muslim married a non-muslim, they’d die at childbirth.
I know right. It was one stupid girl in arabic school that told me when we were so young and I somehow held on to that belief for the longest time. Of course now I know it’s bullshit.
Phew. what a relief. But I take it that you still didn’t marry a non-muslim
No, I didn’t. But it had nothing to do with that belief oh.
I bet it didn’t.
There's more where this came from. Get all First Love Stories here.