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Relationship Talk My partner is 42, selfish & insensitive; do I leave or hope he changes?

Our relationship is about seven months old now and I feel tired already.

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My boyfriend is insensitive and selfish. play

My boyfriend is insensitive and selfish.


Dear Bukky,

 I hope you are good and kudos on the job you are doing. Please I am in a state of confusion and I really need your candid advice or opinion on this.

I will be 33 by January 2018 and I have a relationship that I am not enjoying or happy about at all. All my efforts to make it seem or look like what I dream of has proven abortive.

My man is 42 and a single father of a 21 year old girl. Our relationship is about seven months old now and I seem to be tired of it already.

I visit him mostly on Sundays because I am always very busy during the weekdays and when going to his place I stop by at the market to get some stuffs that we can eat.

What I’ve noticed is that under no circumstance has my boyfriend ever given me money whether for my transportation or for the stuffs and he is working although his job does not pay much.

Secondly, I think he is self-centered. I noticed that most times when watching the television he will always want us to watch what he feels like watching.

Thirdly, sexually he is a very active person and I am not although I told him I will brace up with time but I noticed he does not like us having sex again because he feels I always dull his mood.

Lastly, I had a surgery and I was in the hospital for 10 days and he could not even come see me for once at the hospital let alone contributing to my bills.

Now I have been at home for three weeks and he only came visiting once with not even a cube of sugar. Please is this man worth dating or marrying?

Dear reader,

Apparently you both have ideas and expectations which clearly do not match.

Communication is the only one bridge I know that can close that gap and you need to start constructing a firm base of communication with him in that relationship.

I understand how difficult it must be, having to discuss sensitive issues as this but it is what you have to do.

This is majorly to gauge his willingness to meet you halfway in the relationship. You just can’t up and leave like that without giving him the chance to do better.

Really, a man of 42 years is expected to know and do better than this but I think he deserves at least, the benefit of doubt.

You’ll be surprised that he might not even know there’s anything wrong with what he’s doing. As ridiculous as this may sound to you, he probably feels he’s doing right by you.

So until you converse with him as honestly as possible you can’t be sure of anything.

When you do have that conversation, teach him how to be better. Tell him your expectations, how to love you right, things that’ll make you happy. I do not think these expectations you listed out in your mail is too much to ask for.

You can then give it time and watch his response. Not just what he says there and then, but how it reflects on his behavior and how he treats you in the relationship afterwards. Be patient with him because permanent, positive change often takes time.

If after a reasonable time, nothing changes, then you should know he can’t be helped and being with him doesn’t look good for you.

Let me end this by adding that you have to do better at sex, too. Like, you should bend over yourself and go out of your comfort zone to be better till you become capable of giving him sex the way he likes it.

Communicate with him on that too. Ask him what he’d like to do to you, what you’d like him to do to you, what he’d like you to do to him and all those questions.

You’re having sex with him already anyway, you might as well do it right and make it count.

Who knows, the sexual frustration could be one of the reasons why he’s acting the way he does. Don’t underrate sex’s ability to make or mar a romantic relationship.

In any case, I wish you the very best in that relationship. I am pretty interested in this so don't hesitate to forward new developments to the same email address if you should need some more questions answered.
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