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Relationship Talk With Bukky My girlfriend can't get over her ex; I'm fed up

She tells me she loves me but I don't believe that. Her actions make me feel that way.

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Why you should absolutely avoid silent treatment in relationships. play My girlfriend can't get over her ex; I'm fed up (MovingTowardsTheLight)

Dear Bukky,

I’m Joe. I’m in a relationship with this lady for 11 months now. But it seems she's not fully committed.

We are not staying together. She tells me she loves me but I don't believe that. Her actions make me feel that way. She has been in two previous relationships with men who had money as compared to me.

I’m a University graduate and I do my possible best for her but because of her previous relationships, sometimes I think I am not doing enough. She told me I shouldn't worry but it worries me sometimes.

She also likes taking decisions on her own sometimes because of our age differences of five years. She's 32 and I am 27.

After having a little conversation, I felt that she still had feelings for one of her exes whom she dated for four years. She told me she doesn't but her attitude towards our relationship makes me feel that she doesn't love me that much.

When I compare the kind of things she told me in her previous relationship (memories) with that particular ex which she's not doing with me (not sex), I think she's not much interested in this relationship. We have not had sex but it doesn't bother me at all.

I know how stressful her new job is but is that a reason for not calling me for a whole week? I do call her but I don't anymore.

I don't feel comfortable in her room when I visit her, I feel like a complete stranger because of the way she behaves. She has never called me to come over and eat, when I want to get closer to her, she distances herself from me any time I try to.

At first she told me she is not ready for these things because her mind was loaded, she was seriously looking for a job. I understood her.

Now, she has a job and still does the same things. We have spoken about it but nothing new. If you are very busy and stressful with your job, you work from Monday to Saturday, is it enough reason for not having time for your partner?

I need your opinion on this issue seriously because I have decided to never call her again, and forget about her totally.
______________

Dear reader,

I think yes, leaving her might be the best thing to do, not necessarily because there is no other thing to do, but because you sound defeated about the whole thing already, and with that approach, there’s pretty much no need trying anymore.

Maybe all the issues you see in the relationship are there because they’re what you choose to see and focus on. You already have the posture of someone resigned to not being enough, you already see yourself as inadequate and ‘lower’ compared to her exes. I think that could be a reason why everything you see from her is an issue.

I’m not saying all the things she’s done so far are topnotch, your email shows that she has flaws and has made few mistakes, too. But I think if you weren’t seeing yourself the way you’re seeing yourself now, maybe you wouldn’t have had an issue bearing a little with her and pushing the relationship a little more till it gets to a stage where you both understand each other perfectly.

Again, yes, I agree with you ending that relationship. With your approach, her own inadequacies and an obvious unwillingness to find a common ground between the both of you, it’s doomed to fail anyway.

I hope you are manly enough about the whole thing though. Instead of ghosting on her, be gracious in severing the tie you have with her. You can learn about doing that by reading this article here about how to break up with someone in a mature way.
______________
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