#PulseFirstLove is a weekly series that captures the emotions people felt, and the motions they went through the first time they tried being in a relationship.
What happens when you think you and someone share something eternally special, only for them to switch up on you in a dramatic, awful way? Today’s #PulseFirstLove explores the thin line between both love and hatred, and how the human mind could easily crossover from one side to the other and never look back.
When was your first relationship?
2010, just before I clocked 17. Few months before this relationship, I had had a fling/situationship with a guy, let's call him A. I thought it was a serious one, but the guy wasn't just serious so I let him go. However I and the guy that would eventually be my first boyfriend already knew each other and a little while after dumping that unserious one, I got with my boyfriend and the rest, as they say, is history.
This was Uni, no?
Yeah, Uni. I was in Uni at this point.
What happened in secondary school? You didn't like boys?
I went to an only girls school. And even when I was on holiday, my parents were strict and wouldn't let me leave the house anyhow. So no boys for me at that point.
So freedom at last in Uni. Sounds liberating.
Yes, freedom. But I wasn't even expecting to date or even meet a guy that I would like enough to date, but then life happened.
What do you remember most about the relationship?
We were almost always together. I can actually say he was my best friend at the time. So in a way, it didn't particularly feel like it was a relationship in that serious sense. It just felt so natural, like a friendship. But we were together a lot. Like, a whole lot. We even won best couple one time like that.
Must be nice
You're still together, I hope?
Lmao. We broke up as we were graduating. So I am a visual person. Or let me say, I was a visual person. Out of sight was out of mind for me. We were so close when school was in session but whenever school was out of session, we used to fight so much. I‘ll admit that I used to be the one to cause the trouble but we always had issues when we were on holidays and then sort things out immediately we saw each other again.
Although none of us admitted this to the other person, I think lowkey, we both knew that we would part ways after graduation, since there's no school to join us together. And we definitely parted ways.
So the relationship really stood no chance.
Yes. It stood no chance after university.
Is it too late to say I'm sorry about how things ended?
It's too late o. Lmaooo. Very late sef.
Haha. I figured. Tell me how that first breakup felt for you
So basically, all through the relationship, irrespective of who was wrong, irrespective of whose bad behaviour caused the fight, he was the one who did the majority of the apologies. Except a few occasions when I pushed him to the wall. So every quarrel, I was basically the one who used to throw the break up tantrum. Every quarrel, I would tell him to his face that I am done. But shortly after we left school or shortly before we graduated, I can't remember which exactly, we quarrelled and he told me he was done with the relationship. That was the first time he would do that. I didn't apologise... and that was how the relationship ended.
Wait - what?!
So for a first heartbreak… my chest was tight sha. But I'm a strong and stubborn person.
Lol. It would appear so
Being that school was not in session at the time, we were not seeing each other anywhere. We were not running into each other on campus or in any other place; so that kinda made the healing a little easier than it might have been. And also, remember, I told you I was a visual person… So I didn't feel as hurt as I might have been because we were not seeing each other.
So he basically broke up with me by words of mouth, over the phone. I thought it was something to be taken lightly. I didn't apologise or anything and that was how it ended. A lot of things happened sha because the way I'm saying the story...readers might feel the story teller is a toxic person
How old were you at this point?
So you were pretty much in your formative years while the relationship lasted.
Yesssss! You can say that again. We were truly in our formative years. We were both young. We both weren't bad people but I think our young ages/ immaturity took a toll on the relationship and that's why we didn't make it together out of university.
What relationship ideas did you go into the relationship with? And was the relationship how you thought it would be?
I didn't go into the relationship with any relationship ideas sha because I absolutely had no idea of what a relationship even entailed etc. The first time the issue of something as basic as giving head in a relationship came up… boy… I was so shocked because I had no idea people did that. And I even remember telling him that if I had the faintest idea that things like that go on in a relationship, I would not have gotten into a relationship.
Lol. I feel you. So, the whole of this first relationship lasted 5 years. How did this affect your outlook on love and relationships? What changed? What lessons did you learn?
Ok, I think this was where I first realised that I actually love hard mehnnnnnn. As in, love really hard. I love love, I'm a sucker for love. So no matter how my heart gets broken today, I'm always ready for love. Just that I now need a little time more time to heal, so that I don't see the next man as a wicked person or out to harm me.
Another thing I might have learnt from that relationship is how it is important to factor in the opinions of outsiders in your relationships. I know people say we should not care what people say but in a way, I have come to learn that when a couple of people keep repeating the same thing about your partner, they could be seeing something you are not seeing and it is important to not let love blind you to those things. And then, there’s trust. That’s just as mad important.
Facts. What’s the last you heard of him? Y’all still friends?
Actually, we tried to get back together like a year after we ended things but he was no more the good guy I knew and he already had a lot of women so I had to be wise and bone that thing.
But I really didn't have anything against him. I won't say I parted with him on bad terms despite the fact that he hurt me but I can say he despises me so much sha.
Oh for real? I hope he has moved on as have you.
I really can’t wrap my head around it too. But I hope he’s moved on.
Let's talk about sex. Shall we?
What did you know about sex before this relationship?
Lmaooo. All I knew about sex before the relationship was that we were all borh through sex. See, let me burst your brain...we didn't have penetrative sex all through the 5 year relationship only rough rough play here and there. And people tell me he's still angry at me because I didn't let him deflower me.
Oh. That’s it then. That’s where all the harshness is coming from.
I guess so. For instance, I needed his help a little while after the breakup. The wickedness and harshness to me was unprecedented. I was so shocked. Like, really shocked. You know, it was almost as if we never dated for five years.
If you could go back in time, would you do it again?
Ok..as a 17 year year old, one reason why I would do it again is the experience from both good and bad...It made me know what I want and what I can't tolerate at all. So I won't trade the experience for anything in the world.
Are you dating now?
Yes. I am
And you're happy in it, I presume
Well, yeah. We’re not perfect but we’re trying.
When you think of your first relationship now, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
So he bought me one bag that was lemon colour. I don't remember him whenever I think of that colour but any time a friend of mine sees that colour anywhere, she must screen grab and show me. So, yeah, maybe the colour lemon is what comes to mind.
I even still have a jumpsuit he bought for me then...I don't even remember that he was the one that bought it for me anytime I wear it.