Dear Bukky,
Relationship Talk With Bukky: My man promises to never hit me again; am I safe to stay with him?
In December 2016, he almost killed me. There was blood and my face was very much dealt with.
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I've been dating this man for close to four years and he is what you will call the perfect guy. He ticks all the boxes from being homely and domesticated to being nice and accommodating. However, between 2015 and 2016, he abused me physically.
I'll admit that I slapped him first across the face during a very heated argument in the middle of the night in 2014. I also asked him to leave my house that night till I calmed down and let him be. I apologized severally for hitting him and even made it up to him. In turn, he told me he had forgiven me and we moved on.
Between 2015 and 2016, at every slightest disagreement, he raises his hands on me. In the beginning, I fought back, but a woman's strength can't be compared to that of a man. As the abuse continued, I just cower and let him beat me to pulp. After beating me to his satisfaction, he drags me into the bathroom against my will.
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If I resist, he beats and kick me more. So, I just allow myself to be dragged in. He'd turn on the shower and hold me down there in my full clothes even when I can't breath well due to much flow of water. And if I manage to run out to catch my breath, he'll drag me back in after hitting me again.
After every episode, he tends to my wounds and apologizes profusely that it'll never happen again and I always believed him till the next episode. I wondered and will always ask him if it was because of that one time I hit him that he became beastly towards me, or was he hiding his true form all these while.
In December 2016, he almost killed me. There was blood and my face was very much dealt with. I was in so much pain that I swore to him that it was over between us. He kept crying and pleading as usual but my mind was made up.
Deep within me, the relationship was dead. Although I care about him, the love was gone. But I couldn't severe ties mostly because of what people will say. People who know us, people who look up to us as a couple, people who idolized us. I just couldn't break up with him officially. But he knew that things changed. I started seeing other guys and making friends more.
Then, I reconnected with a guy I knew from 2013. He asked me out initially in 2013 but I turned him down due to what his friends told me about him. Also, I wasn't into him as of then. So, last year, I got talking with him a lot on social media till we couldn't go a day without saying hi. We moved to WhatsApp and kept talking.
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He asked me out early this year and I haven't given him a response because he traveled out for a program and will be back next year. I told him that I'll give him a reply when he comes back and asks me physically which he agreed to. He is so serious about me and doesn't joke with my feelings. Turned out that everything I heard about him were lies because his so-called friends wanted me to date another guy in their clique instead back then.
Now, my current boyfriend knows I hang out with guys these days. He knows about this new guy I'm talking with but doesn't know that things are serious between us. He plans on proposing to me in 2020 but I already know that even if I stick with him till then, my answer will be no because of the abuse I went through in his hands.
Note that since that last time in 2016, he has never hit me again. He has been all nice, loving and caring but is quick to anger since then. But I keep telling him that 'once an abuser, always an abuser'. But he says he has changed. That he will never raise his hands on me ever again. But I don't believe him. I only care about him as a friend now. No love or feelings at all but he still has hots for me very much.
I know that if the other guy comes back and asks again, I'll say yes without thinking twice.
I've experienced freedom, love, peace and happiness with him, and I do not want to let go of that feeling. I want to break up with my boyfriend this December and remain single. At least to know what I want even before I accept the other guy.
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I shared this with a friend and she's against my plan. She's of the opinion that my current boyfriend is a better option as I've known him for long. Plus he promised never to hit me again and is sticking with it. She said I don't know the type of baggage this new guy will bring into the relationship. But I'm of the opinion that my boyfriend is just putting up this act till we get married so he can continue with the abuse.
So, please, what do you think? Should I dump him or continue with him?___________
Dear reader,
PLEASE GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW. LIKE, THIS VERY MOMENT!!!
You have no business being in that relationship anymore. I think you have stayed too long in it. What your friend said is invalid. The plan you have is the ideal one. I just think you have postponed it and held on for too long. Now is the time to let that man go! Do it immediately!
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I also think you should know here that I am not asking you to break up with your boyfriend because I think he’s a bad person or because I see you as blameless in all of this. I think you should NEVER have hit him in the first instance. We can never tell what your relationship with him would have been if you had not hit him first. But what is done is done.
Going forward, please never ever hit a man anymore. Try not to. Men deserve to not be hit just as women deserve to be free from physical abuse. I am advising you to leave this old relationship because it is obvious that it is a shell.
You no longer love him, you are already willing to accept another man’s marriage proposal, and you are finding joy and independence only when you are not with him. The right thing to do here is to dump him right away.
You happiness is already so detached from him. Why continue to attach yourself to him? Let people say what they want to say. Your happiness matters above that. People who idolize the relationship do not know the full story of what goes on in it. You cannot let their opinion decide what you do and what you don’t.
Since you are going into another relationship, I think it is very important to ensure that this mistake never repeats itself.
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Go in search of your new happiness. Wishing you love and light in all you do henceforth.____________
Do you want to talk about your love life, marriage or family issues?
Do you have burning questions that you would love to get answers to?
Just send a mail to relationships@pulse.ng and I'll provide the most honest answers to them anonymously.
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![She decided to break up with her husband and completely cut off contact with him [iStock]](data:image/svg+xml;charset=utf8,%3Csvg%20xmlns%3D'http%3A%2F%2Fwww.w3.org%2F2000%2Fsvg'%20width%3D'300'%20height%3D'172'%20data-ring-placeholder%3D'1'%3E%3C%2Fsvg%3E "She decided to break up with her husband and completely cut off contact with him [iStock]")