Dear Ayo is Pulse's new Agony Aunt Column [uncle in this case]. In each edition, we will try to help one reader make sense of their relationship dilemma, while proffering helpful tips on how they can move forward with their love, marriage and sex life.
Dear Ayo: Why am I not attracting the kind of men I want?
Am I unlovable or something?
Today's email is from *Jane, whose love life is filled with men who are nothing like her dream man. Her question below:
My name is Jane. I am 24 years old. Right now I am so confused. First, no man has ever treated me right. I feel every man that comes my way wants sex. I don't even get to be approached properly. Men don't give me money, they are not interested in my life and my struggles but they feel entitled to sex. Is it bad to feel entitled to a man's money if he feels entitled to my vagina?
I am not dependent on a man but I feel loved when a man gives me money. But if I bring that up, they tend to leave. Even if I don't ask for cash, merely resisting their sexual advances makes them leave as well. So what do men really want from me? Am I so unlovable or what? Lastly I like mature guys between the ages of 30 and 40, but I only attract 25+ or even guys I am older than. Is this because I am petite or because I don't dress maturely enough?
Wheew! There are few layers to this, and hopefully, we can work through them together.
First, about not being treated right. I think it’s only a matter of patience. Provided that you know what you want in a relationship, there is someone out there who fits the bill. I can assure you of that. Hopefully, you’ll meet someone you’ll fit tightly with, whose expectations you will match just as they’d match yours.
On people feeling entitled to your body, I don’t think that’s right. Your body is yours and no one should feel entitled to it, just as a person’s money is theirs to do as they please. So, unless expressly stated beforehand, I don’t think it is compulsory to give up sex because someone gave you money, and you should not be expecting money from someone simply because you gave up the cookie. But this is a little bit nuanced. So, be real with yourself and be clear with people on what your expectations are so that no one feels deceived or blindsided. If you are clear and honest with yourself about your expectations, you should be able to navigate this a little more easily.
You also mentioned feeling loved when a man gives you money. I think that’s OK, inasmuch as that’s not the only scale you’re measuring love with. Getting monetary presents should be part of the things you look out for, not the only one. And again, let me remind you that there is someone out there who will love you as you wish and spoil you as you dream of being spoilt. Just be patient and work on being a good person yourself, so you can attract and retain the kind of partner you want.
*Subject’s name has been changed for anonymity reasons.
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