‘Women Teach Sex’ is Pulse’s weekly series designed to capture the thoughts of everyday Nigerian women on sexual health, pleasure and what women expect good sex to be and feel like.
Modern Nigerian women are reveling in casual sex as much as men, despite a culture that celebrates this liberality in men and forcibly represses it in women. The woman in today’s edition of Women Teach Sex offers clear insight into what it feels like, as a Nigerian woman, to deliberately pursue pleasure outside the confines of commitment. For good measure, she throws in helpful tips, pros, cons and a list of helpful rules of engagement. This is the 10th story in the Women Teach Sex series by Pulse. Read previous ones here.
When and how did you first become aware of sex?
My introduction to sex was through an abuse by an older cousin. And it’s something I don’t really like talking about.
I'm so sorry. Tell me about the first time you tried having consensual sex
I was 21 and I had just gotten out of a 4-year relationship. I was just looking to sow some wild oats... looool. It was with a friend at the time, and he was my first friend with benefits. We had discussed terms and we just did it. It was in his house.
Did you have expectations? You know, everyone hears grand things about sex before they finally do it
I wouldn’t say I had a particular big expectation for my first time, but I expected to enjoy it and honestly, I didn’t. If I’d rate my first time on a scale of 1-10, I’d give it a 4. Maybe because he wasn’t as experienced as he had bragged to me. But after him, I have been with extremely wonderful lovers and my experience has been fantastic generally.
So what’s your sex life like these days?
Like once in two weeks now, which is poor compared to three years ago.
Hehehe. Tell me about three years ago
Three years ago, I had sex at least four times a week. I’m looking for a constant fuck buddy though, because I love sex and I’d like to have it regularly.
What do you think of of casual sex especially as it pertains to Nigerian women living in Nigeria?
I believe a lot of women would be okay with casual sex if not for the purity culture and slut-shaming that are prevalent in our society. I personally have no issues with someone scratching an itch when they get an itch, as long as they do it in a way that is not harmful to anyone.
Exactly. So what would you say are the most important things women need to know before making casual sex arrangements - especially Nigerian men?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm! FWBs/casual sex with Nigerian men is majorly god’s grace and vibes.
Lmao. Vibes and insha allah
If you have made up your mind as a woman to engage in casual sex with a Nigerian man, just be okay with the fact that there is a probability (might be low) for some (indirect) slut-shaming from him or his friends later on. Nigerian men like pretending that they are okay with sexually liberated women but that’s what it is, pretence. From my experience, they still reserve a bit of judgement. Also, don’t assume that having sex with a man will make him commit to you. Do not have casual sex with someone if there is risk of catching feelings, make e no end with premium tears.
Interesting. Obviously not many people want commitment these days, but sex must still be had; as per body no be firewood. Let’s say everyone reading this is hanging to your words and would love to learn from you…
What are your personal guidelines/ rules of engagement - from like sizing the potential partner up to getting naked with them?
Lmaooooooo omo! I’m not the best person to give people advice on this oh because if I see a man I’m curious about sexually, I just go for it. I rarely shoot my shot directly, so I just do a bit of strategic positioning and 98% of the time, they make the move. Just make sure you don’t promise what you can’t fulfill. If you’re the type of person who likes shooting shots, just go for it. Also, since most of my knack mates come from Twitter, I do a search on their handles and observe their views on slut-shaming and casual sex, if he has just one silly view, I shut it down immediately. Let me add that this doesn’t work 100% of the time but at least, it has helped me sieve out some.
So there have been some that turned out to be shitty people?
Oh yes. One in particular: he appeared mature on the TL and all but had no issues telling his friends all the things that happened in the situationship and those ones went around to spread the stories and slut-shame.
So sorry about that
What are the signs you see that lets you know you’re done with someone?
Most times, they don’t even have to do anything, I just lose interest. Ehn ehn, my attention span is so poor. The maximum I’ve done with casual sex / fuck buddies (I don’t do friendships with benefits as a rule) is 3 months. I get tired and just move. For the others, they start acting clingy and territorial, and I hate that, so I bounce.
I presume ghosting them out of nowhere would have left a number of men really confused and on your case for an explanation/second chance?
Oh well, I rarely allow for emotional connection during situationship so once I turn them down once or twice, they seem to get it and move on. I've had to tell a few flat out that I had lost interest though.
Fair enough. Talking about emotional connections, has anyone of your men ever caught feelings?
Where do I start from? Lmao. I categorise them into two groups – those who are coded about it and those who aren’t coded.
Lol. Go on.
Those who are coded about it would do things like react on my tweets about casual sex and having more than one knack mate, or saying things like having me all to themselves. Those who aren’t coded become extremely territorial, they’d expect me to become emotional about certain things and when I don’t, they’d take it as an issue.
This brings us to sex in relationships. Do you think there should be a difference in how one approaches sex when it’s casual versus in a relationship?
I honestly can’t relate with that. I approach sex the same way, whether relationship or casual sex. I love sex and I enjoy it a lot so when I’m engaging in it, my aim is to enjoy myself properly. I won’t say that’s what should apply for everyone, because we’re different.
True that. It’s common to hear that sex reduces in intensity after a while in relationships. Your opinion that?
Since I started being sexually active, I have been in two relationships and let me tell you, the intensity increased for me as time went on. However, if it ever happens to me, I would probably sit down with him and discuss what we can do to get that spark back.
Casual sex versus sex in a committed relationship from your experiences - which bangs hardest?
I honestly can’t objectively answer that. But I can say that my best sex ever came from a guy I wasn’t in a relationship with. It was litttttttttttt!
This begs for more details. Abeg give us
It was basically the fact that he knew what to do, he was very intent on satisfying me and I him so it worked out well.
Random question: what would you teach men about sex if you could gather them all in one place?
Different women, different pleasure points. Know what works for the woman you’re with and don’t use other women as a template for her.
How long should a round of sex last?
Personally, if penetration and thrusting last for more than 20 minutes, I would zone off. So for me, 20 minutes. Excluding the foreplay oh.
And how many rounds are satisfactory?
3 rounds is OK.
How would you rate your own sex skills?
Omo, I’ve gotten very good reviews oh. And judging by the fact that all the guys I’ve ever knacked always came back / wanted to come back for another session, I think I’m a solid 7. I’ve actually gotten feedback on my head game *flips hair* loooool!
Your most embarrassing sex moment?
When he put it in the wrong hole and I shouted “wrong hole, wrong hole”, we laughed it off though.
Weirdest place you’ve had sex?
Parking lot of a strip club. Got fingered in a strip club by my then lover sha (dunno if that counts).
One popular sex act you consider overrated?
Cunnilingus – I don’t enjoy it.
And which would you say is underrated?
What’s one act/fantasy you’d love to try but haven’t been able to?
Lmaooooooo having sex on the balcony of a hotel room, while high. I’m a bit of an exhibitionist so I think it would really bang.
What’s something you wish I’d ask you but I’ve somehow not asked?
Lmao. Ask me if I sometimes forget people I’ve slept with.
Hahaha. Mad. Do you?
Oh my! Yes, I do usually forget.
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