Here's How to Tell if You're Dating a 'Pillow Princess'

Philip Ellis

June 5, 2020 7:30 PM

There are a number of "keys" to great sex, from open communication about your wants and needs , to a willingness to devote time and energy to making sure that your partner gets off and has just as amazing a time as you do. However, for some couples, sex can be a little... well, one-sided.

Is Your Partner ‘Starfishing’ During Sex?

A "pillow princess" is the term for somebody who enjoys laying back and receiving sexual stimulation, but is less fond of reciprocating. This descriptor originated in the LGBTQ+ community and predominantly relates to queer women, however it has been used increasingly by straight men, too. In heterosexual circles, the act of passively receiving pleasure is also known as "starfishing."

"We see a lot of stuff out there in the ether about men being selfish lovers, having orgasms and then rolling over to sleep without the mere attempt to get us off. Its true, this happens all the time in bed between heterosexual cis-couples," says Gigi Engle, a SYKN brand expert, certified sex coach, and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life . "But it also happens in reverse with heterosexual cis-couples and in same sex relationships and in polyamorous relationships and in open marriages. Anyone can be a pillow princess, regardless of gender or the type of the relationship."

Here are a few telltale signs that you or your partner is a pillow princess:

Receiving oral sex and pretending to be too tired for intercourse.
Receiving oral sex and then refusing to reciprocate oral sex.
Receiving hand-sex and then deciding youre finished with sex without reciprocation of any kind.
Always expecting your partner to be on top during missionary , or do the heavy lifting during intercourse.
Having an orgasm during some other form of sexual play, and then deciding youre finished and the sex is over.

If you think you've been guilty of starfishing in bed or forming some pillow princess habits, then you might want to change your behavior, and let your partner know that you value their pleasure, and want to spend some completely time devoted to them. Conversely, if your partner is the pillow princess, it's OK for you to let them know that you want some sexual attention.

"I highly recommend trying either lingum massage techniques or vulva massage (depending on the genitalia involved)," says Engle. "This is when you have your partner lie down and slowly massage their penis or vulva, giving them full focus. Orgasms are great, but it should be about the journey, not the destination ."

"The key here is wanting to fix it," she adds. "If you're fine with the pillow princess lifestyle, and it works for you and your boo, you're fine."

Philip Ellis