I’ve spent a million broke weekends…and I’m not a corpse yet.  Corpses don’t sit at computers and try to dish advice to poor citizens. Neither have I seen a corpse, or heard of one who’s called Joey Akan.

So it’s weekend again, and you find your pocket as dry as the Sahara. Not a Naira, a penny, or even some cheap Tom Tom to ease you along. Maybe because life has been unfair to you, or aliens stole your money, or you’ve just being as lazy as a spoilt cat. Who cares? The bottom line is stark: You are broke on a weekend. Hurrah!

Suddenly you begin to fret. Your mind starts an alarming journey of what-ifs & how-do-Is. What if your girlfriend gets it into her head that she wants some cinema time or she dumps you. What if your plumbing decides to go burst, filling your house with poop filth? There’s not a dime to use in repairs.  What if some actual robbers (wicked fire-eating ones, not imaginary aliens) come visiting, and you come up short. They’ll wring your neck until it snaps nicely. That’s a broke horrible way to die. Unless hunger gets you first.

So here I come to offer you invaluable advice and keep you alive on a broke weekend.

1. Avoid the Girlfriend’s Money…it kills!

You have this sweet-smelling, soft and inviting lady friend. You guys have the best sex ever, and then proceed to do fun things together, before you fight, kiss and make up, and then exchange ‘ewwww’  words of  eternal love. You think you’re in love, but love needs money to make it work, brother.

But when you ignore that and get to the weekend with your bank frowning at you, your mind begins to play tricks on you, that over the other side, at your girlfriend’s house, the grass is green, the river flows smoothly, milk and honey are in abundance, the air smells of free romantic dinners, and money grows like grass.

You begin to think of paying a broke visit, to tap from all that wealth unfairly lying around. She’s your girlfriend, your darling, your love, and the bone of your bones. She’ll be very understanding to your current penniless situation, her hugs will be warm, and her smiles sincere and soothing. Above all, she can spare you some money to get you by.

Stop right there brother!

That lady expects you to take care of her, not the other way round. Forget all those books about lovers supporting themselves with their resources. It doesn’t work here. Here, the rules are simple. The man gives the woman money. That’s how it is, and it will always be so. Leave her money alone and get your broke ass…

2. To Visit A Rich Friend

You know your life is a real dipshit when you look all around you, or scroll through your contact list, and discover that everyone on it is in the same shitty state like you. What have you been doing with your networking skills?  Charity?  Or you’ve been spending all your spare time at the poor people’s home? No my son, no!

But if you do have a friend who somehow managed to get his hustle straight, and has pockets busting with money bills, then you have to be his weekend parasite. Let’s be straight here, you will be a parasite. No shame in that. Unless you want to die a slow, painful death from hunger or angry robbers with your honor intact. For me, I’ll take survival over honor.

I don’t expect you to show up at his door, hat in hand, tongue in cheek, and a sad sorrowful look, which says, help me or I die! No! You’ll be wearing your shiny Sunday best, and your perfume. You’ll hug him like a brother, and smile sweetly.  Walk with a swagger in your steps and give him  a rich hug. He’ll warm up to you and proceed to entertain you. That way he feeds your ass, and keeps you alive. Just be sure to find a way to extend the duration of your visit to all weekend.

Friends, what can we do without them and their money! Have a great weekend, broke-ass nigger!