How To Breakup With Your Nigerian Girlfriend

*Ladies please be honorable enough to ignore this article. If you can’t bring yourself to click past this page, just make sure your boyfriend never sees it.  It will give him good ideas. Good ideas on how to dump you. I am not your friend, neither do I miss being your friend.

Breaking up with a Nigerian chick isn’t exactly like eating Garri and Yoruba stew. It is hard. More like drinking Alomo and chewing bitter Kola. Or sipping swollen Garri and stale fish.

Nigerian girls are not easy to breakup with. They will scream, shout, kick, bite, and pluck off your nuts as some sort of revenge. Your cherished nuts will be yanked off, ushering you into nut-less life of no chicks. It’s pretty depressing.

So as you begin to read this article with enough thanksgiving to embarrass Heaven, and enjoyment to make the President green with envy,  lock your door with a key, to prevent ‘her’ from casually walking in and discovering that her darling boyfriend isn’t so darling after all. She’ll begin to scream and yank….at your precious nuts!

If she’s already in the house, quietly switch into stealth mode; crawl under your bed, or into the toilet. That will be your classroom for the next couple of minutes as I teach you how to breakup with your Nigerian chick.

#1. Never Break Up In Your House

Break up with her in your house? That’s so 1992 son!

Where have you been my child? Only your father and the fathers before him still thought it was cool to give their girlfriends, and the old girlfriends before them, the sad news in their mud and thatched houses. No harm there. Their houses were cheap.

This is the 21 century, and mankind has advanced to space travel and all that needless B.S about you having to move with the new efficient breakup trend. Take her on a date, to a very public place, where armed police guards are present. They may be the difference between you walking away, (whole, single and searching). Or stretchered off as a eunuch.

Or take her somewhere where she can cry or scream, or slap you, but not kill you. Don’t do it at home. In fact, never do it at home. She will become hysterical grab your favorite mug and try to kill you with one good throw. Off course you’ll duck, but your Plasma TV won’t duck. It will explode from the crash. So would your iPhone, expensive Italian chandelier, and the flower vase your mother got you for Christmas.

Take her out to break up.

#2. Use The Passive-Aggressive Move

You have to have a format if you would ever break up with a Nigerian chick, without making a mess of the affair. It’s not cool business, and you’re  not supposed to come out the affair smiling ad hitting the bar for a celebratory round of drinks. If you breakup with a good woman, and you hit the Hennessy corner, then you’re an animal who’s conscience was served up as lunch to the minions of hell, or used as butt wipe by some demon.

Breaking up with a Nigerian chick shouldn’t involve violence, and screams,wet handkerchiefs, and the use of a bazooka. No, my child. You have to keep it simple. That’s the new cool. The simple breakup. This is how you do it.

While you’re on that date at an expensive restaurant (it has to be an expensive restaurant. It’s bad manners to breakup in a local joint while sipping on a  bottle of  ‘Shinap and ogogoro’.), switch into the emotional zone, and tell her your mind. Appear sad while you’re at it. That way she becomes less selfish, seeing that her soon-to-be-ex baby is in pain.

Tell her calmly why you should breakup, and how poorly you feel about ending the romantic affection. Don’t forget to mention how you’ll miss the way you scream her name before you climax. And then cry.

You heard me right, I said cry.  That way the both of you will cry, and nod heads and console yourself, and everyone leaves satisfied that they’re doing the right thing.

You have to wait for two days before you rush to the bar for celebratory Henessy. And be sure to drink all night.

The last line was sponsored by the Nigerian Association for the Celebratory Drinking of Hennessy after Breakups (NACDHeB).

This is the only approved method for breaking up with a Nigerian chick. Any other way you’ve heard from your friends, you’re shameless father, concerned Aunt, or learned from watching Ramsey Noah and Jim Iyke break Tonto Dikeh’s heart is from Hell.

This is the once, true, and future way. Amen.