The pain of losing a child and your journey to healing

Toolz and the devastation it has on women and families involved.

Be it early or later on in pregnancy, losing a child is a cruel and unexpected turn of events which can cause irrevocable pain and often times lead to depression. If you've been struggling with infertility or have had one or more miscarriages in the past, the loss can feel especially painful.

Many women form an attachment to their baby early on in the pregnancy, particularly if they've been trying to conceive for some time. So after a miscarriage, they're likely to go through a period of mourning and possibly experience the same stages of grief that can accompany the death of a loved one

Though time and comfort are often the best healers, it helps sometimes to understand the grief and mourning process that can accompany a miscarriage, and to know what you can do to start coping with your loss.

1. Ask for help with breaking the bad news.

If you're feeling too fragile to talk about your miscarriage or don't feel up to facing others, ask a friend or a relative; somebody you trust to tell others so you don't have to discuss it.

2. Don't take hurtful comments to heart.

Many people do not realise how deep of a loss a miscarriage can be and may say things like "Don't worry, you can always try again." Although these people don't mean to be insensitive, they are just unaware of how you are feeling and can't fully comprehend your pain. Try not to let their thoughtlessness compound your pain.

3. Help others understand.

If you feel up to it, educate the important people in your life about pregnancy loss. Suggest, for instance, that they read a book on the subject or research it online in order to gain some much needed knowledge on the sensitive subject.

4. Don't apologise for your pain.

During your healing process, friends and relatives may pressure you to "move on" or "return to life as normal" but don't feel as though you need to comply until you're ready.

Your pain is a normal response to the profound loss you've suffered, and you do not have to apologise or do anything that you are not ready to do.

5. Seek support.

After a miscarriage, it may help to talk with someone who's been through the same experience, or to join a support group that meets regularly.

6. Seek professional help.

During pregnancy and after a miscarriage, a woman's hormone levels change rapidly. As a result, many women experience mood swings and/or depression.

If you're having trouble dealing with these emotions, speak with your doctor, who can refer you to a counsellor if necessary. Do not suffer in silence or hope that it will blow over.

7. Ask for help around the house.

As you recover from a miscarriage, ask friends and relatives to help with household chores, like laundry, errands, or cooking. You will need time to physically and emotionally heal, and it can help to lighten some of your day-to-day responsibilities.

8. Be mindful of your feelings.

Immediately after a miscarriage, you may find it hard to be around friends and relatives who are pregnant or have babies. If it feels too painful to see them, give yourself permission not to visit.

Tell them that you still hold them dear, but that this is a difficult time for you and it's just too hard to see them now. True friends will understand and support you as best they can in any way that they possibly can.

9. Think about poignant anniversaries.

Anniversaries, such as the date the pregnancy was lost or the due date, may also be painful, and you may feel sadder than usual at these times.

If you need to, take the day off, attend a religious service, or mark the date in some special way. This also helps with the grieving process.

10. Consider the future.

If you and your partner have been through more than one miscarriage, you might begin thinking about how much loss you can bear.

At some point, you may need to discuss whether you want to continue trying or consider adopting a baby, or if you can feel comfortable living your life without children. You and your partner know whats best for your family so it's important that you communicate with each other.

The amount of time you were pregnant is irrelevant when it comes to the grief a woman can feel when a miscarriage happens. Never feel bad about being deeply sad, even if you only knew you were pregnant pregnant for a day or months.

Furthermore, don’t feel bad if you see things very logically and biologically and are not that deeply affected by the loss. There's no one size fits all, just ensure that whatever you feel, you go through it and not around it.

There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.