So you think you can make a guy a temporary boyfriend when the guy you are so besotted on dumps you, only to go groveling back to him?
Well, you have something to think about. This guy, Kelvin, sent in this invoice for onward delivery to a girl who thought it was best to make him a temporary guy while she begged her main bobo.
Here we go:
January, 15, 2014
Attn: Most Selfish Babe Ever
25, Crab Avenue, VGC,
Re: Payment for Temporary Boyfriend Services Rendered
Dear Female Psychopath,
It has come to my attention that after five weeks of dating me, beginning from the first week of December, 2013 to the first week of January, 2014, you have made a swift return to your old boyfriend, whom you had previously dated for three years.
Under relationship statute #3468, your ‘bounce-back’ action grafts on to me the classification of Temporary Boyfriend - in which case I reserve the right to bill you for services rendered during our five week relationship. I am exercising that right with this invoice.
As you may infer from the above, had you left me for a subsequent male - whom you previously did not have a romantic relationship with - then this invoice would not have validity. However, that is clearly not the case, as you have indeed returned to your ex-a-hole.
Please find below an itemized account of Temporary Boyfriend services rendered, especially during the Christmas and New Year, and expected payment. I have totaled at the bottom not only for your convenience, but also because you're a total f**ing idiot:
Alcohol (Beer, Hennessey, Jack Daniels, and whatever else you needed to cry in) N 50, 000
Food/Pepper soup/Isi Ewu/Nkwobi (You seemed to crave everything) N100, 000
Movies including Pop-corn/Ice Cream (Imagine dragging me to all those rubbish eyesores you called movies) N20, 000
Your Birthday (That happened to fall in the second week of my misadventure in dating you) N150, 000
25 – 31 of December (Babe, you showed me you were just a gold digger) N300, 000
Morning-After Pill (Not my fault the condom broke; was rough in there.) N5, 000
Listening to your stupid-ass stories (Time is money) N30, 000
Gifts (I bought gifts for you, your mother, father, retinue of brothers, sisters, cousins and God knows who) N100, 000
Vomit clean-up (Because your taste in music made me sick, literally) N10, 000
Shoulder to cry on (You still took him back. Are you nuts?) N50, 000
Time Wasting (Again, time is money) N250, 000
Please remit payment upon receipt of this invoice. Do not attempt to claim non-receipt, as surveillance equipment will confirm otherwise.
I would sign off ‘Yours truly,’ however, I'm clearly not truly yours. Bitch.