"I’m Dating Genevieve Nnaji"

I am an Ajebutter. Not by birth, or by formings, or by swag – I am simply an unapologetic Ajebutter by default. I didn’t choose to be born one. God, without seeking my opinion (because He’s God, I guess), gave me the genes of an Ajebutter and a funny Bri-Merican accent . By luck or some twisted work of fate, fortune, Karma (I might have killed ten defenseless puppies in my past life) or destiny, I have found myself in Lagos, crazy Lasgidi, and this is my story…

I once touched   elbow, and it felt like I had tasted heaven on earth. I once spent an afternoon listening to the eerie voice of Nigeria’s rap queen, Eva Alordiah, and I never hungered for the voice of another woman for a month. I still have the overpowering cologne of Yemi Alade from the last time we hugged…and it’s been over 2 months.

And that has been my greatest failing in relationships.

Working as a journalist, presenter, publicist, and music critic in Nigeria’s largest entertainment digital media firm throws a lot of things down my way, and I deal with all of them smoothly…except for one of  them. Nigerian female celebrities.

Many of them, in person, have sincere smiles that could make Sango long for the warmth of mortals. Their sense of humor and humility is always a delight, and when you combine that with their penchant for hugging, and staring into your eyes during interviews, then you grow soft inside, and  you fall in love.

That has been my problem. I want to date a Nigerian female celebrity. Why? Because the non-celebrities, the good loving girls who would go the extra mile for me, plan our future together, and help me save on my salary do not give me those feelings.

They smile, no magic happens, they give me full tight hugs, and I feel like I’m been crushed. Even when they stare into my eyes and talk to me like I was the only dude in the universe, all I can think about is my next drink of beer.

Whenever I sit right across the sofa on set with a diva, every part of me comes alive. I feel like a peacock who's got the brightest plumes to dazzle the world. Sometimes I actually dazzle. Other times, I sound like a leprous goat.

I tried my hands in love a thousand times, and each of them have failed to move to the next level. One even slapped me thrice to deliver me from the spirit of negligence, and all I could think about was Heineken.

Genevieve Nnaji will never slap me. Neither will Seyi Shay whose makeup that stained my shirt last year is still on it. I refused to wash that shirt. My sweet Seyi Shay.

Today, I still daydreamed about Genevieve Nnaji, and I caught myself ‘oohing, aaahing, and aawwwing”. Perhaps I’m in love. Perhaps not. But one thing I’m certain is, Nigerian  female celebrities have my heart in their palms, and they all have a place right in that heart.

But of all of them, I want Genevieve Nnaji and  her magical elbow. The rest will be my concubines.

See you next week. Peace & Good hustle.

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