I am an Ajebutter. Not by birth, or by formings, or by swag – I am simply an unapologetic Ajebutter by default. I didn’t choose to be born one. God, without seeking my opinion (because He’s God, I guess), gave me the genes of an Ajebutter and a funny Bri-Merican accent . By luck or some twisted work of fate, fortune, Karma (I might have killed ten defenseless puppies in my past life) or destiny, I have found myself in Lagos, crazy Lasgidi, and this is my story…
For once, I lost my cool in public, and almost paid with my dear life. But thanks to all the tithe that I have paid in my life, and a little commonsense, I was spared.
Last Saturday, I had quite an exhausting meeting at the office, and being a firm believer of the ‘work hard, play extreme’ rule, I took off to The Palms Mall, where I had to see a movie. I had for company, two tall pretty women.
As I strolled through the mall, one on each arm, I felt a bit like an Aristo. Fat big guy, walking with two beautiful women. Model types.
Life had never tasted better. Even Akwa Ibom food would have felt like Charcoal on my tongue. Woman sweet pass food. Deep.
The movie lasted forever, and I didn’t want it to end. Sitting the middle of two pretty women is pure bliss. I felt like ham in Sharwarma. Soft, sweet and tasty. The best part was the feeding. Both women took turns to stuff me with crusty sugar-coated Popcorn, and the slow sips of Coca Cola was made in heaven. Both women, shared a Coke with Joey.
With the movie done, they all had to leave. I hate fornication so I didn’t allow them come home with me. What with being a Christian and all. They did come with a car, and were very disappointed to leave without me. The fun was supposed to last all night.
It was 11.30pm, when they pulled away from me, I immediately regretted my decision. Why didn’t I go with them to Paradise? My only chance for a threesome came, and I blew it.
I tried to order a cab from a software on my phone, but had a flat battery. So I took the bus, and it was a long scary ride home. But it was made better with thoughts of my special treatment by my two ‘friends’. I got to my first stop, and found another vehicle to lead me to my estate.
In the car was a man who got himself grazed by the vehicle during a scramble to board. He kept complaining, whining and pining. He was loud, and he was disturbing my good thought. His razz hoarse voice was blocking my ability to bask in the warm afterglow of my sugar-coated crusty Popcorn.
“Please keep quiet. Your noise won’t make your pain go away. It’s disturbing us.” I fired.
There was silence, and I smiled. That went easy. Tim to dive back into my mental fantasy.
“Ajebutter, you dey mad ni. You think say na only you sabi speak English? You wan chop meat for my food?”. Mr Complaints had a new outlet.
Trust me. I gave as good as I got.
“Please keep quiet.” I was stern. "It’s late and nobody wants to listen to your cries. Baby.”
That seemed to unleash violence. A torrent of abuse followed, while I looked forward. I maintained a wry smile to infuriate him. He told me he was a graduate of Philosophy, and how I was just a useless Ajebutter who is poor.
He asked if I had no car, and why I was in a taxi with his ‘type’. I kept looking into the distance, my smile fixed. He grew enraged, and then the death threats began.
“I go kill you. I’m a buccaneer, not Aye or Eiye. I be confirmed buccaneer.”
I kept staring forward. My smile had snuck off. It was scared of being killed. But I maintained my calm, and began to think of ways to fight back. I was once a judo major. Although I had no belt sha.
I got to my bus stop and alighted. The great complaining angry buccaneer didn’t follow me. Guess his thirst in blood can only be captured in words.
On my way home, I was angry. Not at the buccaneer and his threats, not at life. But at myself.
"I should have followed the women to do evil." Those were my last words as sleep claimed me. As expected, I had nightmares.
Peace and good hustle. See you next week.