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In My Head “Go And Die Please”

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Gov. Adams Oshiomhole and Mrs. Joy Ifije play

Gov. Adams Oshiomhole and Mrs. Joy Ifije

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Day One

Governor Adams Oshiomhole: “Hey, who is the mad man or woman that is trading on this street? I have warned you people not to hawk anything on the street but you people will not listen to me. Do you people think I am like Lucky that was only ‘chopping money’ and allowed you people to behave anyhow? Me o, I will deal with you people very well. I no dey take nonsense o. Patrick, come here and find out who is that mad woman trading on the street.”

Out steps the Edo State Chief of Staff, Hon. Patrick Obahiagbon:

Hon. Patrick Obahiagbon:Hm...hmmm…hmm, in case you do not comprehend or decipher what my Emperor is trying to pass across, let me elucidate, expound, illuminate and explicate it for you. Who is the homo sapien with the temerity and effrontery to commit this malodorous excrescence in Benin, causing this higi haga of cascading odium out from erebus? This is just a matter of higgledy-piggledy of very serious satiation of a megalomaniacal termagant.”

Gov. Adams Oshiomhole: (Whispers into his ears) “Patrick, I said you should ask who is the person trading on the street and not the person selling pigs. Let me ask again, who is the person trading on this street?”

A poor widow comes out of the crowd and walks gingerly to the governor. She throws herself to the ground and cries at his feet.

Widow: “My Lord, please forgive me. I am a widow and I do not have anything to do to feed my children. Please have mercy on me.”

Gov. Adams Oshiomhole: (Thunders) “If you are widow nko? Go home and die. Am I not a widower? Do you see me selling things on the street? If I catch you there, you go smell ya head, yeye woman.”

Two weeks later:

Gov. Adams Oshiomhole:Patrick, Patrick, Patrick… where is this my yeye COS? Where is this man?”

Hon. Obahiagbon: “My Emperor, I am at your service.”

Gov. Adams Oshiomhole:Bo, forget that service o. There is fire on the mountain o. Oya, go and look for that widow wey we yab o, make you bring am and her family come government house now now. This PDP people wan take my shine o. You no hear say dem wan give her N200, 000? That my show has given me another opportunity to shine and those people want to reap where they did not sow. I will show them that I am a star when it comes to playing their game.”

A day later at the government house:

Gov. Adams Oshiomhole making a speech:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I called you here today to witness as we honour a great ambassador and an illustrious daughter of Edo State. I present to you Mrs. Joy Ifije; she is now my Special Assistant on Sanitation and on top of that, I donate the sum of N2 million naira to her. Let me apologize to you for the way I spoke to you, I am very sorry about the statement. I have also realized that even in anger, one could still achieve the same result that he set out to without provocative outburst. I apologize from the bottom of my heart, but sometimes you get angry when people compromise your efforts.”

Two hours later, while drinking tea with the widow:

Gov. Adams Oshiomhole: “Ehmmmmm, Joy, I know you are a widow and as you know, I am a widower too. So as it is, can we make something out of our situation? You know, widower meets widow and we could give ourselves some comfort, you know, especially now that you are my SA. So, what do you say?”

I did wait to get the answer o, I just realized the whole episode was playing out in my head.

Catch ya’ next week.

(In My Head is a crazy creation of the writer and everything goes on in his head. Believe him, you will believe anything)

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