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Chronicles Of A Lagos Ajebutter “Shoki Almost Ruined My Life”

I am an Ajebutter. Not by birth, or by formings, or by swag – I am simply an unapologetic Ajebutter by default. I didn’t choose to be born one. God, without seeking my opinion (because He’s God, I guess), gave me the genes of an Ajebutter and a funny Bri-Merican accent . By luck or some twisted work of fate, fortune, Karma (I might have killed ten defenseless puppies in my past life) or destiny, I have found myself in Lagos, crazy Lasgidi, and this is my story…

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Joey Akan, Joey’s Chronicles Of A Lagos Ajebutter, Pulse.ng play Joey Akan, Joey’s Chronicles Of A Lagos Ajebutter, Pulse.ng (Pulse)

I walk the streets of Lagos and a certain dance rules the air. The clubs, parties and celebrations have all been infected by what seems like a dance move.

A dance move that almost killed, and ultimately broke my poor waist.

“Shoki mi shoki”. Ah Joey!

Olamide’s rookie artiste, Lil Kesh was the originator of this evil dance. Since the first day I received the mail that had the dance video, and saw it on Youtube, my life has never remained the same. I quickly shut down my laptop in sweat and fear, because I know the world will catch onto this. It was too stupid not to be loved by the Nigerian public.

Now Shoki is all over the country, and people are dancing in various forms. I still don’t know the basic step of the dance, and that’s because I have tried to learn from many people, and each of them has a different opinion. For many, the white handkerchief is a necessity. Others say you start the dance move like an imbecile, with an irrational look that would attract T.B Joshua’s deliverance, then you begin to move like a demon-possessed individual.

Others say you can never truly get the Shoki dance unless you throw a somersault, and then wipe your face with a dirty handkerchief. Guess they learnt theirs from a mad man, right before he committed suicide by snapping his neck on a failed somersault attempt. God forbid!

Somehow, after my study with various groups, I finally settled for a dance routine by a group that made it look easy. An easy Shoki was the only way out for my fat self. I said my prayers, gathered my guts together, and dutifully learnt the moves in front of the mirror…but little did I know that the mirror, isn’t the most perfect place for shoki moves.

2 weeks later I found myself in a club, the wine was good, the women were pretty, and the mood was right for turning up. I also had a fine girl that I just met, and was quick to impress.

All over, people were displaying amazing dance steps, and my lady began to show her admiration ‘on code’, for the dancers. Disturbed and keen to impress, I stood, and stretched.

“Honey, what are you about to do?” She was interested now. Aha! I have her undivided attention. God bless me.

“It’s Shoki time baby, and I’m about to knock this fat off me. I know a million shoki moves and it’s time to display”. My chest was pumped ready for the dance.

I straightened myself, made my imbecile face, and began to nod to the rhythm. Got the flow, and the bounce, and started with the basic moves.

“Oya make we shoki, shoki shoki”. The DJ’s music was on point.

After about 5 minutes of the basic move, my girl was beginning to tire of me, so I spiced things up, and made the resolution to bring out the dangerous move.

“Baby watch this bad move. My Shoki is bad”.

I took a deep breath, and prayed for God’s mercy. Then I turned, and twisted and bent low. Just then I heard a slight snapping sound around my pelvis, and I knew I had done myself in.

I hit the ground. Falling like a big thief. My Shoki had killed me. Thankfully, one of the clubbers was a chiropractor who had knowledge of bones. Everyone gathered and stared, while he tried to fix my broken waist.

“Guy na Shoki do you this thing abi”

“My brother, yes”. I was in pains.

Just then my lady laughed. That thick mocking laughter that makes a bad situation worse. Right there, I made the decision never to go out with her. I swore under my breath. That was a betrayal.

Thankfully, I regained control of my waist after 3 days. But my love for Shoki, and my girlfriend had vanished. So I hate Shoki now. Lil Kesh is wicked. His dance almost ruined my waist, my love life, and my career.

See you next Tuesday. Peace and good hustle.

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