Amebo Pulse: Tonto Dikeh’s Not So Secret Wish, Tony Umez Gets Boobs Job

Hello everyone, I don show. By that I’m not talking about the regular weekly column, I mean say the real me has appeared. Oya, Fire and brimstone! But before we start I wish to say a big sorry to all my fans that had to endure the crap I wrote last week. Yes! I knew it was crap, but this our journey na for better for worse. If e beta for me, e go beta for you too. If e bad, then all of us go follow pack go village go join politics. Another big apology goes out too to all those celebrities wey no feel my mouth last week. I know you were all disappointed because I wasn’t up to my high evil standards. Sorry say I no open your yansh well. But what you should understand is that I’m human. I don’t possess the superpowers of the devil. Only the devil fit do evil everyday with sustainable improvement. Maybe my bones were weak, or old age don catch up with me. But that one no mean say my bad mouth don old, okay?

The Easter celebration affected me badly. I was almost born again. I stopped drinking alomo, stop to dey pursue woman, begin pursue dog, left sex, but I refused to leave gossip, so my pastor excommunicate me from communion. Una see sacrifices wey I dey make for una? No worry, WE SHALL PREVAIL! So here are my new promises to you.

1. I promise to continuously feed the pervert in you.

2. I also promise to keep to promise number 1.

God Bless Nigeria, God Bless Amebo. God bless Our Bad Mouth.

Yemi Sax Shows His Class, Gets A Beautiful Ring-bearer

You all know Yemi Sax, that guy with the huge golden coloured musical horn that without pay, does a voiceless remix of any top song. And funny enough he gets paid to blow that horn, with big air from his small lungs. I just hope he doesn’t fall down because to blow that thing, no be dodo. Adighi easy (Igbo kwenu).

Yemi obviously rolling in Saxo-cash, engaged his long-time lover, Shola wey fine well well. See, Yemi, I watched you engage that fine Oyinbo pepper. You were quite classy, going down on one knee was cool, but do you think your father did that to your Mama? That Yoruba man wey your mama dey call kabiyesi, did you actually consult with him before you decided to dirty the knee of that your fine, stock-jeans? Well, nothing spoil, love makes a man lose his number 6…and 7.

So the Superstory continued. The sax-man pulled out a note with plenty of poetry from Darey Art Alade’s book of past girlfriends. It all felt like one cheap movie. Then when the ring-box came out, the girl started convulsing, aaawwwwwww….Holy Ghooooosssst, FIRE!

The young man read his note with a voice that sounded more horny than romantic, and a trouser that had a bulging Anaconda. I saw it all, and it was pretty scary stuff. Yemi finally outclassed the girl into saying “I do” and then she cried. Tears of slavery. Ladies and gentlemen, this is no engagement, this is how you acquire a ring-bearer. Yemi Sax, well-done. I hope you marry that fine geh o. If na ring-holder you dey find, then check Yaba market. Congrats Shola, your ring-bearing days have just begun.

Tonto Dikeh Winning A Grammy…You Wish.

Wishes come true only if Lady Luck smiles upon you or bites you in your butt. But Lady Luck gives fortune to the deserving, and sometimes the undeserving, but never to the extremely undeserving. Tonto Dikeh falls in the veli veli Over-undeserving. Why? Ask me well well.

Last week, AY held his yearly Easter show, and like all other shows he came out to give us our money’s worth of laughter. Imagine people paying N500,000 just to hold their ribs and laugh their sorrowful existence away. Na so your life don bad reach sotay u need to buy laugh into your life. God go deliver you.

So AY did his regular thing, other artists came out, did their numbers and the mood in the house was lovely until the next comedy act was announced; Tonto Dikeh and her band of overpaid tap-dancers came out to thrill the artist. I called it a comedy act because to call her songs music, is to insult the word. Na big Taboo be that!

So Tonto came out, and I almost had a heart attack. AY why?

I saw through it all. AY had gone dry. He had exhausted his armory of pastor-jokes, so he brought out Tonto to make us all laugh, but she ended up achieving the opposite. Tonto fall my hands. The girl came out with her fire-wood waist, the choreography felt like it was directed by a kind kindergarten teacher, and the songs,…God!

One audience near me, one guy wey don hustle spare parts business buy ticket, screamed, “ AY give me my change”. I no fit laugh.

Another one screamed, “ This one na performance too? AY, I dey suffer here o!"

See, AY, take your time o. We actually buy your tickets to enjoy ourselves and not to get attacked by the gory site of some wannabe. All the beg wey I beg that bouncer so that him go allow me fit enter your show for free no be to come see Tonto. Better take your time AY.

And for all of you on twitter wey dey deceive Tonto say she sabi sing, God dey see una o. If something good, talk am. If e bad, talk am. If e bad well well, still talk am. Thous shalt not lie!

And for you Tonto Dikeh, sorry, u hear? Just make sure say in your next world you come into the world as Celine Dion. Amen. But until then, stick to acting…we love you where u were.

Jim Iyke-Chan

Last we saw of Jim Iyke, he was at the AfricaMagic Viewers Choice Awards, looking like the classic Village Headmaster. No laugh na. Everyone caught up with his daring…and inventive outfit, and started doing bad-belle. They yabbed him, cursed him, even got to call his yam leg a yam (a spade’s a spade, even an expensive looking spade, is still a dirty-packer). While you were all screaming and shouting at him, young Jim held his peace, kept silent and claimed sexy. He looked the classic fool, but do you know that you all that were laughing were all close to your deaths? Not by bombing but by classic Martial Arts.

It’s true. Jim Iyke, the man wey God send come earth make him come fight, has multiple belts in Judo, Akido, Ti-Chi, Karate, Kung Fu, Taekwondo and Head-chi. I hear they even call him Master Jim Iykle Chan. I sha know say the last time I saw him fighting with 2 Huge Gorilla-looking night club bouncers, I can’t describe the fight, but I saw bodies flying, head cracking, bones breaking, and Jim Iyke laughing. He’s a natural at beating people.

So when next you want another word for trouble, just say Jim Iyke (Amebo dictionary of bad-belle). But be careful, speak of the Jim Iyke, and he appears. You have been warned.

Wizkid, Behave Yourself!

Wizzy take time o. Last Thursday, Pepsi had a gig in Unilag, and as expected they drafted in their big guns. That being Wizkid and Tiwa Savage, and a Rolls Royce. After the gig, Wizkid started doing longer-throat. He took the car keys of the Royce, and took pictures with it. At first, I saw the picture, knelt down and gave thanksgiving. But no, reports later came in that said it was all for Pepsi’s show. Vex wan kill me.

Wizkid, you na star. You don big pass borrow pose. That car is worth just N50M, which is not even enough for your perfume bill. No dey behave like Mallam Spicy. You are too classy and handsome for that. Buy that car, now!

Photo Of The Week

We understand Desmond, that's why you look like him...don't cry, Junior

Tony Umez: When The Cheque Stops Coming In

Tony Umez (Who’s he?), I feel your pain. Once upon a time, when I still wore pampers and took long drinks from feeding bottles that looked like nipples, When PHCN was still NEPA, home videos still rolled out on video cassettes, and Baba Fryo was Naija’s best talent, Tony Umez was the golden boy of Nollywood. From one cheap Onitsha-produced movie to the next, Tony was right there. He played roles from Father, brother, madman, President, tout, fool, agboro boy, lover boy, Igwe, Amadioha, Pastor and Devil. Life been sweet for the man.

And you won’t blame him for being that successful because his main competitors were Segun Arinze (With a scary name like black arrow. Would you want to hire a Black Arrow?), and Kenneth Okonkwo, who’s unique mouth reminds everyone of the Lagos canal. So Tony Umez outshone everyone.

But now Nollywood is desperately trying to be like Hollywood, so actors with a boil on their noses are being dropped from movie roles. Na the young, handsome bobo-ish oyinbo ones wey dey chop the pepper.

The long and short be say, things became red for Mr. Umez. So he switched to a new career in modeling. The guy started modeling headaches for Paracetamol. Come on, man must chop. The commercial was so boring that we all had headaches and so had to buy their paracetamol to cure ourselves. Nice business strategy. You cause the problem to your cure.

But now, the paracetamol deal is dead, and Tony is broke. So he went searching for a job, and after begging profusely at 51 Iweka Road Onitsha, he was given a movie. Praise The Lord! But it turns out the movie, Room 027 is a soft porn. Tony no send. If he’ll get paid for pressing the milk out of a beautiful actress’s boobs, then who cares? Press booby, get paid. Nice, very nice!

God Bless our hustle jare… see you next week. My strength has finished.