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Amebo Pulse: J. Martins Goes On Exile (Becomes Politician) And Wizkid”s Middle Finger

Few of us like a Monday, but Amebo Pulse does for it gives him the chance to scratch the underbelly of Naija’s entertainment industry and laugh at the good, the bad, and the down-right pig-ugly, from a week brimming with potential victims.

Last week I got a personal mail from a religious leader (who obviously has a lot of time in his hands) saying that Amebo Pulse should stop, and that as I am typing these words on my second-hand Tokunbo laptop, that somewhere, Satan is writing my name on a list right now. Fear bin catch me because, I no want be firewood for some eternal fire. So I decided to pack up my bags and leave the business of Amebo. But then I went to church yesterday and a well-meaning man of the collar (who also had a lot of time in my hands), identified me and said I am on the “write” path, and it is marvelous in his sight. He also gave me some strong arguments (and prayer points) for this column. The prayer points I will keep to myself, but I go share the arguments with una because, I love you all. Here are the arguments:

Few of us like a Monday, but now all of us don dey like the Monday now because Monday now reads as gossip day for all of us. Gossip is good. It was put on this earth for people on the struggle, meant to give us sweet laughter to spice up our boring day, and reveal the evil, and yeye that these celebrities do. I am spreading laughter and happiness, and I deserve to be blessed, or at most, made a saint. Saint Joey Of Amebo Pulse. Bless you my people.

So trust me na, I sent a mail back to the first man, gave him my reasons, and also told him that I had my revelation too, and in it, that list wey satan dey write, na him name dey on top. Then I gave him an artful, lovely, beautiful and inspiring picture: The picture of my middle finger.

No mind am jare, let’s go there!

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J. Martins Now A Politician….

In Equitorial Guinea…that is.

Change is good. Anybody wey no like change then that person dey die slowly. See Sunny Neji wey no wan change him music, I fit bet say that guy next album na only him local government council the thing go sell…except say him change feature Wizkid, or 2face, or Pastor Goody Goody!

That said, one man wey actually dey embrace change now na our darling J. Martins. The sweet highlife singer wey him song dey sound like a combination of Oliver de Coque and Terry G. For a considerable amount of time now, Bro J. has exactly been releasing singles, or carrying out those horrible collaborations that are now trending. He simply disappeared. Me I thought he went back to his village to collect chieftaincy title or maybe the guy don go Abuja go beg for Amnesty (for disturbance of public peace with his songs, everybody dey find amnesty these days). Surprisingly none of these was the case. The guy ported out of Nigeria. He went to look for greener pastures. He didn’t take the flight to the UK or the beautiful America, he went to Equatorial Guinea! Now that’s what we call browner pastures. He left Naija, the giant of African (population), and pitched his tent in Equatorial Guinea, why J.Baba, why?

I kept asking the question until I watched his latest ‘Good Life’ video, and midway through it, the picture of the president…no, vice-president of that brown country popped up. That was when it dawned on me that our J. Martins went down there to search for sponsorship, and the thing confuse me because that man salary no reach my Local Government Chairman ‘toothpick’ allowance…that is an insult to Nigeria!

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So therefore I hereby decree that that his video should be banned from Nigeria, it has political content that has nothing to do with 2015.

NBC ban that video and get J.Martins arrested. Please!

Wizkid: F*** That Car!

Money Good O! Any nonsense person wey talk say money no sweet, I hope say him don make enough for him children’s children. Whether by hardwork, or exclusive access to the National cake, before you open that your mouth talk say “Money is not everything” just make sure say you be billionaire, because man wey no fit buy rice chop go talk say the rice get cancer so e no good for him health. Nonsense Jagwajantis Animal talk. The moral of all stories in Nigeria, is that money is good, and poverty is a disease. In fact, all roads lead to owo, ego, and kudi. Any other thing no follow!

Wizkid get money, that’s why he has the world at his feet. He owns fat girl counts, fat bank accounts, and nothing can stop his progress. Trust me, since Amebo like better thing, I follow join Wizkid fans, sticking with him and offering him ‘emotional gossip support’ when he broke up with his bald boss (Remember him? the Bank with the shiny head). I stuck with Wizkid, mopping his tears, and helping him with his boyfriend troubles. Now they’ve both reconciled, and gone ahead with their bromance (bro + romance).

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Wizkid finally decided to treat his BMW like a danfo, and upgrade to a new ride. Contrary to good reason and popular belief that the guy wanted to step up, I authoritatively can say he changed that car because his girlfriend, Tani Omotayo, wasn’t comfortable with the car anymore. Read this conversation before you continue…

Wizkid: Tani sugar, what’s it? You been adjusting your top since you got into this Star Boy ride.

Tani: I’m hot this your car no longer cools my boobs! You should get a new car!

Wizkid: The one that comes with the in-built boobs coolant, huh?

Tani: Thanks honey, you are the best (shakes her hair, and her favorite body part)

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So Wizkid ran out of the country and bought a ride worth N15M, well-pimped with a boob-cooler of course!

He got a Porsche Panamera S, and being a nice guy he sent pictures online. We kept feeling the car and replying all those mean investors and hungry entrepreneurs who taught that the price was absurd, as if na their money wey the guy use buy the ride until I got to this picture.

The one with the artful raised middle finger! What!  We all know what that mean!

We deserve an apology, you hear? There’s something called good manners, and if you couldn’t get some from home, then Google it!

Next time we see that your finger…only God will save you!

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Nonsense!

Photo-Mebo Pulse

Deep in those innocent Angelic eyes...lie a Savage lady!

Karen's Night Out

The old days get a revisit...

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A Chip of the Old Block!

Branded Doctor Sid...

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