I have seen depression in Nigerian musicians, but they can’t sing about it

I admit, I have been listening to American rapper, XXXTentacion, and the music that is contained on his "17" album. I first knew of the man as an abuser, one who had attacked his pregnant girlfriend, and beaten her beyond belief. This was no Chris Brown and Rihanna situation. If anything, it was worse. She was pregnant for God’s sake.

But I have listened to him for a week, and consumed his music, and created a connection to his art which comes from such a troubled place. I don’t respect the man. Neither do I give him a pass for being such a despicable human being who would wish to hurt other people and hide under making great art which contained the demons that drive him to the edge.

“Hello, from the dark side in, Does anybody here wanna be my friend? (my friend). Want it all to end. Tell me when the fuck is it all gon’ end? Voices in my head, Telling me I'm gonna end up dead.” He sings on a song titled ‘Save me’.

It is his music that many connect to, due to the emotion and truth in the music. Many young people can deal with the mental illnesses and emotional darkness that numbs their ability to live through the mornings, soldier the afternoons and enjoy the wind-filled evenings. It’s soulful stuff, designed to be an outlet for the feelings and self-reflective monologues that you hide from.

Nobody wants to face their demon. It is ugly, it is the truth of your life; A disturbing demon, living in your head.

I have seen the same demons in the eyes of Nigerian musicians. When they go on a rant about life and the futility of living above board in the music industry, there’s a cold fire in their eyes which tell the truth of their situation; depression caused by the system, obsession for wealth, and a lust for fame that pushes them over the edge sometimes.

I have experienced first-hand, as many musicians admit that they are dead inside, walking corpses chasing the music, the money and the respect that comes from having a hit single. On one cold evening in a studio, one had called me outside to cry.

“When is it all going to end, when are we going to find rest from being public bodies? Picked apart by the fans, slave to the fame, and masters of nothing other than the money that comes from making art?” he said, over sobs and tears streaming down his cheeks.

But they can’t sing about it. The system isn’t right for it, they say. They worry about if they will be seen as weaklings, who can’t deal with something as intangible as depression. These conversations exist in the in-betweens, those safe spaces between the music, the media and the relationships. Those places where whatever you say remains between you and the listener for life. Where you seek absolution for guilt, and help to combat the demons within. But it necessarily has to be outside the public eye.

We exist in a society that is generally ill-equipped to handle mental illness such as bipolar disorders, depression and more. Generally, the conversations about mental illnesses in Nigeria among the populace is still rudimentary. If the person is not ‘mad’, then he isn’t ill. What is depression, shape up, press that guilt and unhappiness to the back, and function. But the truth is more sinister. We are all mad on many levels, but as long as we can function, throw on some clothes and step out to play our part in ensuring civilisation keeps it together for one more day, then we are fine, publicly.

“Our society requires us to be strong. We are conditioned by Nigeria to be generally capable of handling anything that comes our way,” says Dr Dami Ajayi, who is a Senior Registrar at the Federal Neuropsychiatric Hospital, Yaba, Lagos.

Depression is a key part of the music industry. A 2016 study conducted by Help Musicians UK in conjunction with University of Westminster has found musicians may be three times more susceptible to depression and anxiety than the general public. 71.1% of people involved said they have suffered from anxiety and/or panic attacks while 68.5% said they have suffered from depression.

Musicians offered up a few main reasons behind the high levels of ill mental health, mentioning poor working conditions (difficulty of sustaining a living, anti-social work hours), lack of recognition for music and pressures of being a woman in the industry.

According to website MetalSucks, "Depression isn’t a symptom of the music industry—it’s one of the music industry’s foundations.”

If it’s one of the foundations of the music industry, why don’t we address it in the music? Why can’t our artists show vulnerability and mental instability, which can be powered into their art, tell their story, and at least provide art for numerous others and their fans who share their reality and the demons that they battle?

“The pain in my heart just won't end. The words that I find just don't seem to compare.” XXXTentacion sings on a song titled ‘Orlando’. A song about his waste of youth, due to his mental struggles.

Somehow, if you carry that song, and scan through the music industry, you find very little content to match this level of personal honesty. And it won’t be surprising.

Reekado Banks recently came out with his battle with depression. “Depressed!!” he tweeted. “Nothing is as it seems…everything is probably fucked.” But he quickly picked himself up publicly, perhaps to avoid being labelled. “Gotta keep it going regardless.”

“We can’t come out publicly with such content. Nobody knows how the fans will react. They might see you as weak and ungrateful. They might curse you and leave you,” an artist who refused to be named for this story told me.

“So we hide behind the happiness, the shaking of yansh, and the champagne lifestyle that we are required to create for social media. If everyone decides to open up about their mental health and be vulnerable, we would have a flood of emotions and bitterness that we cannot be able to handle.”

For now that appears to be working publicly. Anything to keep moving, anything to mask the pain and the suffering, and finding new ways to occupy the mind. That’s the remedy in the music industry.

And oh, don’t forget clubbing too.