Iyanya needs less muscles, Davido needs a serious girlfriend, and 2face needs, well, find out below what our Nigerian male stars really do need in the new year.
So we are done with screaming for the new year, having impressive feasting and dancing the year in. But here we are, again, and life as we know it must go on.
Our Nigerian celebrities, know this too, and while they’re busy plugging away their existence and trying to kill themselves with singing, women, men, (off course I’m not sexist), weed, and every other conceivable high on the continent, we have taken out time, travelled twenty leagues into our mental sea of goodwill and found out just the right things for our lovely entertainers.
Say thank you…
This dude fell from the sky with a slim body. Now he’s built like a bull, and ready to explode. Heaven knows in 2015 he needs to stop using those juices that make him swell, and do more…singing, I guess.
My main man! Davido has all he needs. But can I please interest you in some good good loving and a steady girlfriend? Even if you don’t need the drama and commitment, we, the media would like to have someone to blame when your nudes appear online, or sympathise with when your indiscreet fling gets flashed onto the news front pages.
Stop smoking weed! Please just stop!
Koko Master (or is it garri scam-ster?) needs the world this new year. First he needs more money (I know we all do, but his case is grave, trust me). All he needs is to get his act and his life right, and start earning the street credibility that he has spent on packaging and no substance.
Drop good songs, dear Sir. A little Don Jazzy won’t kill you.
Well, he finally stopped procreating like the Chinese. That’s a good sign. But with the removal of his horny balls, 2face Idibia suddenly lost the ability and dynamism to make legendary music. Thanks to Joe El, we still have a worthy substitute (or cheaper clone, with due respect). 2face needs to concentrate on the basics, and actually sing. Between, he needs to lose LeriQ. That guy is bad for his health.
This dude’s scam is working. And I am impressed beyond reason. Keep smoking the good stuff and living on Instagram. It’s working, sweet Sir. Why change what’s not broken?
Let’s all scream legend, and let this little man sneak through our scrutiny, huh? No people. We love him, and we have something for him; Get married and start a family of hobbits. You guys will make Hollywood scripting. The Hobbits 3: Return of the seven chompy Abagas.
Olamide is fine. He is complete, his world is ticking, and his cup runneth over. But if he can go through a day without getting so high that heaven can hear him, then I’ll pinch his cheeks with gladness, and to check if he really is human, and not Oduduwa’s descendant.
Fine man. A real fine specimen we have here. And he can actually sing? Direct videos? And manage people? Wow!
Banky needs to make Shaydee a star. It’s his civic duty and moral responsibility to make sure that dude gets all the credit and pop appreciation he needs. God be with you.
Can we have some music in the house? All these beauty is getting boring.
What Flavour really needs is to stop taking biology lectures with reproduction specialist, 2face Idibia. He has his music in place, his body is ripe, and from my projection, he’s got a fine career ahead. But then, stop making babies, you horny stud! 2 down, more to come right?
This dude is the Godfather. Of Nigerian music…a bit of a snob, but he’s alright. Too bad there’s no ‘Corleone’, in his official passport. Timaya has the almighty formula for Pop music. Notice how he has never been away or lacking in hit songs?
This year, he needs to keep that formula top secret, and help more people.
And here’s something fancy; Dear Timaya, grow those lovely dreads. I would kill to have you in untidy locks again.
Slow, steady, reliable. What Dr Sid has is working for him. His wife’s stomach is testament to that (I mean, his, er, his thing is functional, in a good way of course).
Sid is still dining out on his ‘Ancient’ Siduction album. Perhaps a new, massively promoted hit, and videos without his failed attempts to dance?
That will do him some good. Surely.
Weed, weed, and more weed! It’s working right?
I have never been one to admire the person of Burna Boy. His palpable arrogance and ability to make women scream in love and desperate lust just tears my heart out.
But I will always be a huge supporter of his talent, and ability to make songs that makes you feel young, old, alive and dead. He’s a genius, this young gun from Port Harcourt.
Between, h should keep smoking the good stuff. It’s a miracle working weed.
Darey Art Alade
Come back to music dear Sir. We miss you!
Politics is the best friend of this MC with an M.Sc. With a family deeply steeped in the working of Nigerian governance, Naeto is fast losing the things that made him capture our hearts at a time when we were reluctant to embrace Nigerian music.
This year, a few good songs will be in order. And please Sir, stay away from Goodluck Jonathan. He’s bad luck to your singing.
Dammy Krane worked really hard in 2014, with a debut album to show for it. But something seems off here, and he isn’t getting the attention he deserves.
Perhaps a sextape in 2015 will do the magic? Think carefully son, consider it deeply.
This dude is fine. He needs nothing. Drink Orijin all the way.
Brymo has his head in heaven, and his music is inspired by the angels. But we in Nigeria do not like heavenly thinks (except it’s manna).
2015 needs to see this singer become of the world. Perhaps spend a night with Olamide.
Nice guy. Nice songs. Nice cream. You need nothing. Just let the skin glow.
The road to recovery and shedding the weight of reclusion is a long winding path. Jesse Jagz is a genius, that fact is not to be disputed.
In 2015, he needs to become more human, and depart Mt. Olympus. He’s mortal after all.