The awkward truth about the friend zone

My Best Friend’s Wedding is one of my favourite movies, not just because I love Julia Roberts or think Dermot Mulroney’s character is so adorable (his character in nearly all his moves is always adorable), it was one of the first romantic comedies I watched with an interesting twist that broke the generic ‘happily ever after’ formula for romantic Disney movies, which I had grown tired of.

Brainwashed by Disney.

Yet, still brainwashed by Disney at age 10, it did not occur to me that the idea of best friends falling in love with each other could be a reality miles away from the concept of marrying Prince Charming on the very day you meet him. At the time, I was only just getting used to the concept of boy and girls being friends, and the rivalry of the genders in my Year 6 class did not help matters.

So to me, this movie was simply a genius fictional story in which Julia Roberts’ character made a complete fool of herself through numerous attempts to sabotage her best friend’s marriage, therefore risking his happiness and even their friendship.

Rom-Com frenzy.

Since then, however, many versions of romantic comedies where one party is secretly in love with his or her “best friend” but never actually does anything about it until the other person starts to get involved with someone else have popped up over the years. Some examples are The Wedding Singer, Valentine’s Day, Made of Honour, Just go with it …the list goes on.

So over the recent years, I have come to realize that what happens in these movies could be a little closer to real life than the Disney fairytales; and to give further evidence of the extent of the actuality of this situation, MTV went ahead to produce the reality show, Friend Zone, in which a person admits to his/her best friend, some sort of hidden feelings they had been harbouring until their heart starts to ache.

Interestingly, amongst the episodes I have seen, I would say that a good proportion of these best friends do end up having mutual feelings. Well, kudos to MTV for catalyzing the relationships of High School and College kids in the state of Florida.

Some wise words.

My mother has also told me on multiple occasions that some of the longest lasting marriages are between a man and woman who are genuinely best friends, because even when that initial mind-blowing love (or lust) wears away, a foundation of friendship persists, which nearly helps with companionship in the future.

So undeniably, when I look at my male friends, I wonder if there is some potential for a relationship with any of them. But then again, who is to say that someone I meet today, would not become my best friend tomorrow?

However, I have actually found myself on both sides of what I call The Awkward Truth about the Friend Zone:

Scenario 1.

There was once a male friend of mine whom I thought I saw a future with, but never attempted to do anything about it because we were young and I feared losing the great friendship we had, hence I kept him in the friend zone. All of a sudden, when someone else became interested in him and was more aggressive with her approach, I became crushed by the situation and then expressed my feelings towards him...too little too late.

He, also having feelings for me, was then torn between the two of us…but after the heat of things, the situation eventually ended with us all remaining single. My point here, though, is that if the other girl hadn’t come into the picture, I would never have done anything or said anything to anyone. I would have just played it safe and merely just hoped and prayed that things would somehow turn out the way I desired.

Scenario 2.

The other situation was pretty interesting as well. Thankfully, this time around, I was the ‘desired’ one. I met someone (platonically) through a male friend of mine. He asked me on a date, and I thought ‘why not keep an open mind?’, although I wasn’t particularly interested in him in 'that' way (no harm making new friends, right?).

But a few outings later with my new friend, my good old friend then asks me out, although he clearly knew that his friend was interested in me. I thought it was so funny because this old friend had not indicated any feelings towards me until he thought he was about to lose me to someone else. Again, that situation ended with three single parties.

Drawing from these two scenarios as well as the experiences of friends, it is reasonable to wonder why some of us don’t make a move until we feel like we have something to lose. Could it be because we are afraid of ruining a good friendship, or do we just enjoy living on the edge?

Making that bold move to take a friendship with your best friend whom you have 'friend-zoned' to the next level, avoiding other interested parties swooping in could be the greatest decision people like those my mother refers to made.

But now the question is…what if it is not worth the risk? You may be left in an awkward position if it doesn’t work out, but would you rather have known than be left in the dark?

Written by Oyin Egbeyemi.

Oyin Egbeyemi is an engineer-turned-consultant-turned-educationist, runner and writer.